The past year my life has changed in ways I never imagined it would. I look back to my old self now and then for reference points to find a grip on myself but my past self has no answers. I remember my old self so well and yet I admit I sometimes miss my old shell because I don't quite feel my current self is as tailored as I would like to feel.
Change is very hard regularly but we do better when change just happens to us against our will because we have no choice but to adjust. Changing with purpose takes the same strength but requires courage and bravery on top of the rest of the struggle. Courage and bravery need extreme amounts of will power and determination and somedays I just don't have it and I finally understand that that's okay. I get so frustrated I want to just shatter into a fit of rage and drown into pool of tears. Rage is usually counterproductive and anger is just a mad mask for pain we want to suppress. Drowning in self pity feelings sorry for myself or hunting down someone to throw the blame at won't build a better me either. So.... I've just had to sit with myself and rest and reevaluate what it is I want to do and why. I don't feel the same way I used to feel when I started all of this. I don't even care about the same things I used to care about. It's been pressure because I sometimes feel like I have to keep doing what I've been doing because it's what people expect...... but Hell No! I refuse to ever live my life ever again for the expectations of people. I don't want be known by everyone. I just want to help people that struggle like I do and understand my vibe. As I get closer to my purpose and grow into my current evolution I have begun to feel lighter again so I am harnessing it and expressing it in a way to grow it. It's not easy at all to do but the way I do it is by keeping a rational mind and focus my energy on my goals. I can be sad today if I feel like it or mad tomorrow but I will not stay there and make it a lifestyle or character trait. I will not create dialogue in my mind against myself or others. If I do I remind myself I'm only human and the same for everyone else. We all make mistakes, we all back slide or stumble along the way through out our journey. We aren't all bad and we aren't all good. Even if we have done the best things we can turn the tide with the worst decisions. The worst things are eventually forgotten and everything only last a day even if the consequences last a life time we can chose to be triumphant and change our stars. We are all only as good as we decide to be today.
