Apologize to yourself for all the apologies you waited for

I used to believe that everyone will change into something better with time and experience. I waited in my heart to be rescued and resolved of my past pain. I fantasized about apologies that never came and I would wrap myself worth into it when they failed to manifest. I felt unloved and down on myself thinking I wasn't good enough to be given explanations or an apology. 

Growing up my Mom would tell me that my feelings didn't matter because feelings change. So for most of my life everything I felt that hurt me I ruled out as invalid and even though I was crazy for having feelings at all. I pushed my feelings away and waited to feel differently than I did because I believed I was just gonna mature and arive to a place where it would magically change because I was older. I found out the most difficult way that she was right about how feelings changed but wrong about how they did. 

I stayed so bottled up that it poisoned me into a prison of depression most of my life with unresolved pain. The feelings left unexpressed and unacknowledged ate through me like acid completely weakening my spirit and self esteem. I actually believed her and I would gaslight myself into believing that maybe I was wrong or misinterpreted my experiences because if I could be the blame then I could bring myself peace. To this day when someone hurts me I always blame myself because I need to find control to help myself process it. In the past I would verbally abuse myself by calling myself stupid and weak. 

Today I am not harsh and uncompassionate with myself but I still root back to my desions and illusions of what I thought it was to pin point the red flags I should have taken more seriously. I had to learn that the only person that was ever going to rescue me was myself and the only apology I was ever going to get would have to come from me as well. I've learned that not everyone grows up to a positive place from their experiences because some are too difficult to grow into good from. Many people grow into stone walls and lack the capacity to express their truest emotions so its no wonder they can't acknowledge the the feelings of others. If we don't have an example of how to love we fall short in how to show it to those we could have had loving connections with. I know better to wait for anyone to resolve or validate the way I feel and expecting it give someone else too much control of my life. I know now it wasn't because I wasn't loved. I just expected it from people that were deeply damaged themselves that knew nothing about love but pain. 

My only regret is that I had been living in an illusion for so long. If I had known sooner I might have found some kind of happiness alot sooner than I did in my younger years. One of the worst things any of us can do is wait for those that have been our source of pain to see it or acknowledge it at all because they seriously aren't paying attention to how you feel. The reason why is they are too consumed with pride and personal protection that prevents them from making a move to show you love. No matter how many times they may have reduced or rejected you they are not willing to risk being rejected by you. It's not because you aren't important, it's not be you aren't beautiful, it's not because you aren't deserving of compassion.... It's because someone did the same thing to them and deep inside they are so broken that they aren't able to humble themselves to take anymore risk with their heart....  not even for you. It wasn't until I learned to sympathize with those that hurt me that I learned to move on and love them from a safe distance. You can't be too close because hurt people don't know how not to hurt people, expecially people they actually love. 

Stop waiting and take control of your destiny now.  Your life is yours and that's why it's so important to learn to love yourself because in the end it's up to you to to set yourself free from dead end cycle of waiting for someone else to see you as valuable.

What doesn't kill you makes you stronger

It seems as if every post I read on instagram lately are all the same theme. We all are so over this pandemic shit and cannot wait for it to end. Some of us are depressed about it and over flowing with anxiety. Some of us like myself is just absurdly impatient and waiting. I think one of my worst character traits is how impatient I am. I hate to wait for anything and the longer I do it bleeds into negative intrusive thoughts that overshadows all the ways that I am blessed. I am grateful that I am conscious of it so that I can call myself out and be accountable for controlling those thoughts. We all are affected some of us far worst than others. It's not comforting in anyway to know that it can be worst; then guilt sets in when you witness the tired and sunken eyes of those that are struggling to keep from being homeless and feed their families. Alot of us are just bored and drowning in stagnation. I will admit reluctantly but accept that I am one of those people.
On my ungratefully impatient days I am frustrated with this small house, mad about the heat that has always been in Texas and annoyed by my own children arguing. It takes a great deal of mind power to confront myself and see the silver lining. My children are safe and healthy enough to give each other a hard time. This small house has allowed me to get my family financial stability and improved my credit for a brighter future to give my children what I have never had. I sometimes have to sit my youngest down who hasn't been able to play with his friends and hardly leaves the house and say to him all the truths that I too are struggling to deal with. My best friend has a second son that I have yet to know or even set eyes on. I had so intently planned to be there to share the experience with her. I can afford to actually go now and my presence is a health threat that both of us are too concerned with to risk. I put all of my effort into my work because I feel like much of my youth was wasted with distractions instead of being committed to bettering myself. I've never been more focused in my entire life than I am now. After my last near death experience who I used to be did not survive that crash. It's been 2 years ago now and I have finally accepted that she is gone but I still have not gotten used to myself but I'm content with my results. I have learned to protect my energy and I don't give myself away to what's too far to reach and what cannot exchange the energy that I know is required for me to be invested. I only crave what I can bring in close enough to truly feel and trust because I need all of my energy to propel myself farward to my dreams that I once was too afraid to even reach for. I hate this pandemic like everyone else does but I have to admit in many ways it has replaced alot of the time I have lost over the years when I was too broken to even have bright aspirations.
I think the best thing we all can do right now is dare to dream bigger and be honest with ourselves about who we were before this began and ask ourselves if we were truly satisfied. Sometimes we must be reduced and reshaped by tragedy and difficulty to build better versions of ourselves. I think this pandemic is just like my car accident but for the world. As horrible as it is out there the good changes are building a different world for us all. I suspect that many will get lost and descend beneath the rubble but those of us that survive will be stronger and better that it all happened.