The Ariel Trope

When I take on a character to embody I always do my research. I have seen the little mermaid a billion times as a child but as an adult the experience is very different. I set aside my pre assumptions about what I think I know and then I flip it over and view it from a new perspective. I think many of us don't realize the great impact that the stories we memorized as a children would have such a big effect on our adult life's.
        Like many other's in my age range (30 to 40) I grew up watching Disney movies repetitively. Disney made me believe in magic and wish on shooting stars. I once believed that some ultimate love would free me from my dull and uneventful upbringing and I would be rescued by some handsome prince and run off happily ever after. I found out too soon that life is more like a Tarantino movie in the way that it is comediclly dark and clever. It's only happenstance that you survive covered in blood and trauma to be greatful that you survived at all and then you can be happy.
     I'm embarrassed at the fact that in my youth I was an Ariel. I was just completely fascinated with all things far apart from myself. I was always more instrested in other cultures and other places in the world while I felt my own world was a trap. I took for granted that I grew up on the coast of the gulf of Mexico that was just the smell of fish and petro chemical plants to me. I felt insignificant growing up in black culture assuming I would always be held back and down and embarrassed by my creole blood line that was know as dumb voodoo believing hicks that couldn't be trusted. By the time I was 13 I knew more about China, Japan and how to be a cool and popular teen from advice from 17 magazine than I knew about the state I live in.
    In the Disney Little Mermaid it appears that Ariel gives up her voice for Eric but truly she's giving up her voice and the entire world of her own to live on land. In Hans Christian Andersen's 1837 story every step she takes with new legs in this new world resembles being pricked by sharp knives. She doesn't  marry the prince he chooses someone else and she attempts to kill the Prince to get her voice back but can't bring herself to do it and kills herself instead. She turns into sea foam when she dies and as her spirit floats in the sky, she eventually earns a soul by carrying out good deeds for a whole 300 years before ascending into heaven.
      The more I think about it Ariel becomes a villain herself in her pursuit of killing the prince due to her plan going all wrong. She has been manipulated by the sea witch to kill the prince to receive her soul back but you cannot convince me that rage and scorn from being rejected by the prince isn't playing a part.

Many of us make that same mistake.  We fantasize that we are going to find the perfect life and happiness outside of ourselves and then we blame the outcome on that man or woman that didn't make us happy , or that new place we moved halfway around the world that turns out not to be the Utopia we imagined.  We become bitter and angry at the world around us for not giving us what we thought was promised to us. We build resentment and lose hope on ever being happy.

The little mermaid kills herself instead of the Prince for 1 or both of these reasons:  Either because she has lost all hope that her fantasy failed her or because deep down she knows that she set all these events in motion when she sacrificed all she was to try and be something new she assumed would bring her happiness. Rather she takes responsibility for her actions or sees herself as a victim is un important to the consequences but vital to her ability to recover and see the lessons of her choices. She could have explored forever but without ever knowing who she truly is she would still be lost and incomplete.

Don't misunderstanding me now.... I myself at heart is an explorer in the way I approach living my life. I love new places and cultures and discovering new things.  Where I went wrong in my youth is that I didn't embrace the base of who I actually am first! I didn't learn to appreciate or see the beauty of my own culture, the hair that grew out of my head, the sand beneath my feet and how valuable I was purely in my existence and my talents. I well hid that I was smarter than I pretended to be most of my life because I didn't want to push people away by appearing smart and boring. People assumed I was dumb anyway because I was pretty and big breasted and I played the part to please them. I didn't see my creativity and talents as enough due to constantly comparing myself to other's so I waited late to harness my true potential.
   There is a saying that the easiest and most profitable way to success is to become an expert at what you are naturally good at and meant for. Therefore in order to reach our truest potential and success we must first become an expert of ourself. We must study our hearts and talents to the extent that we see all of our possibilities and become powerfully confident in ourselves in reaching them.
Life is not a fairy tale and there is no place you can go,  no love you can meet that will complete any of us if we don't explore ourselves first.  It will be difficult and disappointment searching both inside and outside of ourselves regardless but if we start at square one instead of running to square 30 we will build a stronger foundation for ourselves and make healthier choices throughout our journey.

For those of us that were the Ariel trope in the story it is never too late to decide to start an expedition into ourselves. 

The influencer

When I first started this social media thing  I was just posting selfies like all the other girls for fun and personal jumps in my self esteem. I did not expect it to grow into a business opportunities or that it could even be considered a real career. When people think of "influencers" they picture 17 to 24 year old girls with perfect bodies sticking out their lips and posing just right for their butt to look big. The media has exposed many influencers as spoiled brats with clout asking businesses for money and free merchandise and then not even completing or committing to the work required. OOOH...? I bet you probably assumed there is no work involved in just looking pretty in front of a camera! Well if you assumed that you would be wrong. There is a whole lot more to it when contracts are involved and that's not even the worst of it.... Staying relevantly marketable means you have to constantly grow your audience and stay current to be considered valuable by brands or social media careers. If you do not throughly understand how your social media platform works in detail down to each update staying current and growing is pretty much impossible. Expecially since social media sites have learned that they can make a profit by charging you to advertise to your own followers. Unfortunately influencer is a stigmatized career because those in the forefront of the business are usually still under 25 years of age and in most cases not educated in brand marketing and advertising. Many of them just want to have fun and look good in front of their peers and they do not take it seriously at all. They approach small businesses for free merchandise without professionally finding out if the business even has a budget for advertisment. They sign on with too many brands and don't meet deadlines or they never meet photo advertising requirements. It's the way it is because it's still a fairly new option in advertising and predominantly is made up of younger people with huge amounts of followers that did not plan to turn their platforms into a business in the first place. In the beginning brands chose social media influencer because it's cheaper than paying a whole team of photographers, models, hairstylist and for a shoot venue. It saved them lots of money and the naiveté of influencer was a plus as well because most of them do not know what they are worth to brands and are usually under paid. It's a crazy industry on both sides of the coin I assure you...  However, the influencer isn't going anywhere anytime soon because  it has become the necessity for advertising because social media has the most influential impact on society.

    So then there's me yall...

   I'm going to be 38 this November.  I'm a fat black girl and a mother of 2. I'm only 5'2 which is pretty much unheard of in plus size modeling who are always tall. That doesn't sound like an influencer at all does it?  I don't even have a big butt but I'm an influencer! Luckily every kind of subculture you can imagine there is an influencer for it because big business wants to reach everyone and everyone these days and in the future will be on social media.

I generally like what I do for the most part because I'm an artist at heart and I enjoy building a mood for other people to feel. I like nature and beautiful things and I absolutely adore costuming. Instagram gave me a place to showcase my creativity and tell my stories. I didn't expect it to be therapeutic both mentally and emotionally.  I didn't expect it to grow me as a person as much as it has either. In many ways becoming an influencer has positively affected my life and I am grateful for the experience. I have discovered that I can do great things with and for myself I had never believed in the past I have true potential for.  I have met many people who get me with the same interests and thoughts and feelings as I, after feeling like an outcast majority of my life. It has mostly been good to me but there is a dark side as well. 

      The worst dark side for me is stalkers. I have been sexually assaulted in my past long before I became an influencer. I had a gun pushed into my back before by a man I didn't even know at my job as a front desk attendant at a hotel and I have dealt with crazy men my whole life. So naturally I am not comfortable with being stalked because I know first hand it can be seriously dangerous. Sometimes I don't feel safe and the higher I climb in this career the more terrifying it becomes. It's the reason I don't post photos of my children anymore on my page and the reason I avoid large crowds and being noticed in public. I receive loads of messages everyday from people that can start off nice with compliments and support but the moment they aren't getting the attention they want from you or you tell them they have gone too far and have to set boundaries they become abusive and threatening and will troll you and try to hurt your career. I have had to learn the valuable lessons that friends and fans are not the same thing. Fans don't see you as your true yourself. They see you as a fantasy and they impose unreasonable expectations on you from their delusions. They began to think that just because they have read all your blogs and saw all your photos that they actually know you and understand you better than you know and understand yourself. They start to believe that just because they complimented you that you owe them something in return and will try and guilt trip and manipulate you to get what they want. Admiration and attention is not all that it's cracked up to be under the surface. Admiration can turn sour on a dime and calling attention to yourself always brings alot of negative attention with it. I have always known that but it's a whole other thing to experience first hand. 

   There's other things that suck too like people pretending to be brands trying to scam you. People stealing my photos of my husband and I to advertise dating sites or putting your photos on porn hubs. I've had people try and steal my whole identity and make a new page with my photos and catfish people.... smh... that was by far the funniest. 

    For those of you that think you may want to try this influencer thing I encourage you to go for it but please invest in marketing knowledge and research so you don't get used by brands or scams out there. For your safety never take photos of where you live, or your car with your plates showing. Don't post your location until after you leave that location. Don't take any brand deals that want you to buy something from them first. 

Being an influencer is and can be a dream job. You get invited to places often and sometimes companies will reach out to you for influencer trips to exotic locations. You get a ton of free stuff as well but don't get hooked on that if you want a pay check. It's great for those who has a creative talent of any kind to showcase to the world and it can take you far if you stay on top of educating yourself and learn as many avenues as possible so that one day you can transition out. Because like most advertising and entertainment careers it's extremely demanding work to have to constantly  put yourself out there in the limelight every single day. As you cultivate your audience learn to dream bigger and come up with things completely independent from someone else's brand and make your own. Start an online business, write a book or use all those social media marketing management skills you have learned and run someone else's social media business. There are tons of opportunities out there for influencers that doesn't require you to ever post your face in public.

         

  

Apologize to yourself for all the apologies you waited for

I used to believe that everyone will change into something better with time and experience. I waited in my heart to be rescued and resolved of my past pain. I fantasized about apologies that never came and I would wrap myself worth into it when they failed to manifest. I felt unloved and down on myself thinking I wasn't good enough to be given explanations or an apology. 

Growing up my Mom would tell me that my feelings didn't matter because feelings change. So for most of my life everything I felt that hurt me I ruled out as invalid and even though I was crazy for having feelings at all. I pushed my feelings away and waited to feel differently than I did because I believed I was just gonna mature and arive to a place where it would magically change because I was older. I found out the most difficult way that she was right about how feelings changed but wrong about how they did. 

I stayed so bottled up that it poisoned me into a prison of depression most of my life with unresolved pain. The feelings left unexpressed and unacknowledged ate through me like acid completely weakening my spirit and self esteem. I actually believed her and I would gaslight myself into believing that maybe I was wrong or misinterpreted my experiences because if I could be the blame then I could bring myself peace. To this day when someone hurts me I always blame myself because I need to find control to help myself process it. In the past I would verbally abuse myself by calling myself stupid and weak. 

Today I am not harsh and uncompassionate with myself but I still root back to my desions and illusions of what I thought it was to pin point the red flags I should have taken more seriously. I had to learn that the only person that was ever going to rescue me was myself and the only apology I was ever going to get would have to come from me as well. I've learned that not everyone grows up to a positive place from their experiences because some are too difficult to grow into good from. Many people grow into stone walls and lack the capacity to express their truest emotions so its no wonder they can't acknowledge the the feelings of others. If we don't have an example of how to love we fall short in how to show it to those we could have had loving connections with. I know better to wait for anyone to resolve or validate the way I feel and expecting it give someone else too much control of my life. I know now it wasn't because I wasn't loved. I just expected it from people that were deeply damaged themselves that knew nothing about love but pain. 

My only regret is that I had been living in an illusion for so long. If I had known sooner I might have found some kind of happiness alot sooner than I did in my younger years. One of the worst things any of us can do is wait for those that have been our source of pain to see it or acknowledge it at all because they seriously aren't paying attention to how you feel. The reason why is they are too consumed with pride and personal protection that prevents them from making a move to show you love. No matter how many times they may have reduced or rejected you they are not willing to risk being rejected by you. It's not because you aren't important, it's not be you aren't beautiful, it's not because you aren't deserving of compassion.... It's because someone did the same thing to them and deep inside they are so broken that they aren't able to humble themselves to take anymore risk with their heart....  not even for you. It wasn't until I learned to sympathize with those that hurt me that I learned to move on and love them from a safe distance. You can't be too close because hurt people don't know how not to hurt people, expecially people they actually love. 

Stop waiting and take control of your destiny now.  Your life is yours and that's why it's so important to learn to love yourself because in the end it's up to you to to set yourself free from dead end cycle of waiting for someone else to see you as valuable.

What doesn't kill you makes you stronger

It seems as if every post I read on instagram lately are all the same theme. We all are so over this pandemic shit and cannot wait for it to end. Some of us are depressed about it and over flowing with anxiety. Some of us like myself is just absurdly impatient and waiting. I think one of my worst character traits is how impatient I am. I hate to wait for anything and the longer I do it bleeds into negative intrusive thoughts that overshadows all the ways that I am blessed. I am grateful that I am conscious of it so that I can call myself out and be accountable for controlling those thoughts. We all are affected some of us far worst than others. It's not comforting in anyway to know that it can be worst; then guilt sets in when you witness the tired and sunken eyes of those that are struggling to keep from being homeless and feed their families. Alot of us are just bored and drowning in stagnation. I will admit reluctantly but accept that I am one of those people.
On my ungratefully impatient days I am frustrated with this small house, mad about the heat that has always been in Texas and annoyed by my own children arguing. It takes a great deal of mind power to confront myself and see the silver lining. My children are safe and healthy enough to give each other a hard time. This small house has allowed me to get my family financial stability and improved my credit for a brighter future to give my children what I have never had. I sometimes have to sit my youngest down who hasn't been able to play with his friends and hardly leaves the house and say to him all the truths that I too are struggling to deal with. My best friend has a second son that I have yet to know or even set eyes on. I had so intently planned to be there to share the experience with her. I can afford to actually go now and my presence is a health threat that both of us are too concerned with to risk. I put all of my effort into my work because I feel like much of my youth was wasted with distractions instead of being committed to bettering myself. I've never been more focused in my entire life than I am now. After my last near death experience who I used to be did not survive that crash. It's been 2 years ago now and I have finally accepted that she is gone but I still have not gotten used to myself but I'm content with my results. I have learned to protect my energy and I don't give myself away to what's too far to reach and what cannot exchange the energy that I know is required for me to be invested. I only crave what I can bring in close enough to truly feel and trust because I need all of my energy to propel myself farward to my dreams that I once was too afraid to even reach for. I hate this pandemic like everyone else does but I have to admit in many ways it has replaced alot of the time I have lost over the years when I was too broken to even have bright aspirations.
I think the best thing we all can do right now is dare to dream bigger and be honest with ourselves about who we were before this began and ask ourselves if we were truly satisfied. Sometimes we must be reduced and reshaped by tragedy and difficulty to build better versions of ourselves. I think this pandemic is just like my car accident but for the world. As horrible as it is out there the good changes are building a different world for us all. I suspect that many will get lost and descend beneath the rubble but those of us that survive will be stronger and better that it all happened. 

Forgive Who you were

When I was younger the only thing I ever really cared about was love. While everyone else was fantasizing about what they would be when they grow up I was thinking like a stereotypical 1940s teenage girl. It's why I was married with a baby at 18 years. I just desperately wanted to be loved by someone and have family that wanted me so I set out to make a family of my own. I assumed my life would be perfect when I found someone to love me and then everything else would just fall into place. My obsession with love was the beginning of my hardships and let downs. I learned that love isn't waiting for anyone and that most of us have a really messed up perception about what it truly is. 

The first lie I learned about love is that love conquers all. That lie lead me to believe that all I had to do is love harder and stronger with everything in me and that it would magically fix everything that's wrong. Love does not fix unhealthy people and in many ways it can make them worst because they will use your love against you. That lie is the reason lots of people remain in abusive relationships. In reality all that person learns is that you have no boundaries and that they can do anything to you and that you will take it because you are emotionally invested in them.  Instead of getting better they get worst because they will keep upping the abuse to find your breaking point while they build their ego around your love.

The second lie about love is love hurts.
What makes this a damaging belief is many people assume from this belief that love is supposed to hurt and so they sacrifice themselves to hurtful relationships because they think that their love has been confirmed real because they are in pain. The truth is love does not hurt it's people that hurt. We just can't let go of hurtful abusive people because we love them and nothing about that is romantic. I used to really believe because of that saying that love was supposed to hurt. I thought I was getting the rite of passage into love and would try to prove my love through my pain because of it. When I look back at all the things I allowed to happen to me to prove my love through pain I began to grieve for my younger self and experience feelings of worthlessness all over again . I have found it difficult to forgive myself for being too trusting and naively optimistic in my view of how people actually are. I was one of those people like all young people are without experience to support my beliefs that thought I knew where I was headed. The future higher self of us all lay waiting and judging us all very harshly for being wrong about what life is truly about and who we actually are.

I think it's the biggest problem for all of us middle aged people. We finally reach the age where we have the battle scars to prove that we are finally adults and we don't arrive to it happily. Now mostly all we do now is beat up on ourselves because we are still trying to work our way out of the hardships of our youth's decisions. We think, " damn! If had I been smarter or if I had been wiser." We live to cringe all the things we were so confidently ignorant about before.
I've gone through a lot but by far the hardest thing I believe I have done is learned how to forgive myself for not being who I thought I was and forgiving myself for mistakes I made when I truly didn't know any better. Learning the hard way knocks us off of our ego. It feels like an endless fall but we eventually crash into awareness shapeless and valunarably malleable ready to accept that we were wrong and for the first time in our life's being wrong feels right. We become anxious and proud to say that we don't know about something because it's easier to be incorrect about a state a mind in our assumptions than it is to prove that you are right with your life.

We have to forgive ourselves for who we used to be because our mistakes are a rite of passage into maturity to shape us into the best version of ourselves. If you have gotten far enough to learn through your own madness it's time to see it as a bage of honor. I used to have this friend that would tell me wild and embarrassing stories about her life and I would walk away thinking I would never have told people that about me . That was back when was still wrapped up in how other people saw me. Today I look back at her stories and I understand now through my own experiences that sometimes we can survive something so grim and difficult we want to shout it to the world because we are still surprised that we lived through it. I can tell people I have wanted to die and all the reasons why I did because I made it through and I have no shame in sharing my experience especially if it can teach someone else that those difficult things are possible to live through.

If you should find yourself today or tomorrow reflecting on who you were and the mistakes you made and you feel sad and regretful just close your eyes and wrap your arms around yourself and say despite what I have been I am better today by choice and will be even better tomorrow as I continue to grow forward.

Capable of Anything

So far it's been a really chill and rewarding summer for me dispite all the crazy going on in the world right now.
I've appreciated this time alone during quarantine and social distancing to really think and reflect on my past and plan for my future the right way.
I've been through a lot but I feel so greatful for it because it's provided me the resilience to get through a whole lot more flawlessly. I've begun to notice that although I am affected by these major changes in the world I am not responding the way many people are. I am not scared and not worried either. I am just waiting and constantly preparing for the worst the way I always have. I would like to hear that they found a cure for the virus and that the world is better than it was before; but if they say it's all going to hell and we are about to live like Mad Max I've got an outfit for that too.
During all this what I've learned is there is so much value in being alone because it's the only way to properly discover yourself and your true potential. I have realized that when I have too much outside interference it is much harder for me to express myself creatively because of all the outside opinions flowing in. I don't really discuss with anyone what I do in this career, the branches of this kind of work or how it works because everyone is a critic and thinks they know what other people should do with their life. However people still come with their 2 cents. Anytime I tell someone what I do they always have a suggestion without realizing that what I do has to solely reflect who I am and what's important to me because that's how artistic expression works. This is the kind of job that very quickly will sweep your whole image up in a direction you may not want to go if you don't steer it with authenticity of who you actually are.
Being alone has cleared me of the clutter that is other people's views. I thought I had found all of my confidence but when it came to people I know I still had a lot of fear associated with how I would be received. I didn't even know I had things I still needed to release until I would get in front of the camera all prepped up on my research and ready to go and then suddenly I couldn't move and couldn't speak. It reminded me of my first grade Christmas play the only school function my Mom ever made it to. I was so excited for her to come but when I saw her in the audience I completely froze up. All the other kids sang and smiled and I stood there and just put my head down. I was afraid that she wouldn't be proud or worst indifferent. I didn't see how that moment spread through out my life and how it was still holding me back from being who I was meant to be. Strangers that read blogs know me better than my whole family. I was always too afraid of what they would say or what they would think because nothing I had ever done was good enough for them to celebrate and I was the difficult child because I was "too sensative" so I kept my head in the sand. The way I over came that fear not to long ago is I heard something really fucked up about myself through my family's grapevine that made me laugh so hard I cried happy tears. I thought to myself damn.... If they believe that then I am free to do anything . I can get in front of that camera and act a complete fool if I want to. I've become comfortable with being the wild card weirdo because they actually believe I'm capable of anything and even though it's not in a positive way capable of anything is better than capable of nothing.

I don't think any of us are actually who we are meant to be until we find our own way in the world and create our own identity. We must all go out into the world and find our own meaning and our own motivations. I am just a fruit from a branch but I contain everything I need to grow my own tree. I am not my Mother, not my brother not my grandparents. We don't want the same things or even value the same things and that's okay because they don't belong to me no more than I belong to them . Being alone showed me I belong to myself and it's my job to create the life I want and live it. 

Into The Woods

I'm doing as well as I can be these days. Honestly I'm still sad I'm back from vacation to Colorado. I went from sleeping under a clear sky cradled in the serenity of the mountains to back home to the real world. Everytime there is a surge in racial tension I start receiving insults in my messages and comments and lots of discrimination for being married to a white man. People become hyper villigiant of the fact I'm in a interracial relationship. My children start experiencing the divide in their ethnicity and are bullied for not being dark enough or "black enough" to have an opinion on African cultural issues. It's a tricky place for me to be in because I'm very glad and I feel very proud of the steps black people are taking towards equality. However, I'm in mother bear mode right now for my family because people are acting really stupid in the world right now. Some people are seriously running up on others questioning their support ready to attack their character and platforms but proclaiming peaceful protest . There is nothing peaceful about trying to force your ideology on others. Personal growth is something that has to be personally realized through your own experience. The real truth is people that are already racist only get more racist during times like these because they have selective attention to support their racial bias. They aren't going to see all the actual peaceful protest, unity of the world and beauty of the changes. All they see is those weird videos of white people kissing black people's feet to support black lives, these crazy looters that all look black to them in the dark, and that black people think they are superior like they always have felt to begin with. What doesn't help change at all is the black people that are providing them with the fuel to fan their racist fires by seriously behaving as if they are superior because not all black people are focused on equality either.
I support what I know is right regardless of what color the truth rides in on and dispite this cause being designed with all the right efforts in mind there is a lot of fuckery going on that I do not support or agree with. I am not here to attempt to prove my "blackness" to anyone. I have been a black woman my whole life. I loved my natural hair before it got trendy when my black highschool sweetheart avoided me for wearing it that way because he was embarrassed by it. I was supporting the beauty of my blackness and the beauty in the brown skin women and men before it became a chain post.
I lead a very reclusive lifestyle because I am extremely sensitive to the emotions of others and the pain in the world .
Back in February on the 27th on Instagram I wrote:

Do you feel that? There's a scream unheard that rumbles the world. We all feel it but can't name it or tame the anxiety of the quake. Words are unspoken trapped in circling contemplation as we all hunt for the answer. Where does it come from? How is it I know how it feels without truly knowing it exist?

I wrote that before the pandemic was in America and I wasn't generally concerned with it coming here at the time because many things that start overseas never reach us. I just kept waking up with very bad anxiety sometimes crying in my sleep to a heavy sense of pain as if I could feel the world screaming and dying around me. I started feeling it before it came but I kept telling myself that I was tripping and I thought my depression was coming back. Turns out it wasn't me and to protect myself and my family I have retreated into the woods. I'm not on social media as much anymore because it's not fun anymore. My platform is moving away from just being fashionable and whimsical because I'm not feeling it. I use most of my time trying to get the most out of my life by conquering my fears and really shooting for the stars to reach my dreams before time runs out. I'm always looking really closely at my children when they are smiling so that I can remember our happy moments because I don't know where things are going and I'm afraid about what we may face in the future. 

    All in all dispite challenges I am still optimistic about the future but just incase we don't win this dangerous game of jumanji I'll remember the love I've lived and die happily complete. 

Growing through uncertainty

Life has changed for us all since the start of this pandemic and dispite a few things opening up things haven't gotten any better and in some ways it's worst. For me the days have become monotonously aggressive and boring waiting for the world to change. So I have been taking steps to change my own world.
I have been waking up at 5am most mornings. I drink some beet kvass to maintain my blood pressure while I play Elder Scrolls online and escape into a different world for a little while. By the time the sun comes up my husband and go hiking and or fishing. I haven't been that instrested in social media because honestly it just hasn't been realistically fitting into my current life style. When I get dressed for a photo shoot I always build it around a date with my husband or outing with my family so that it's more than just a photo for me.
Lately I have moved my efforts into my health to increase my strength and stamina so that I am prepared for the opening of the state and national parks. I want to be strong and have what it takes for a long camping trip with my family. Hiking has increased my endurance and overall has made me happier and more optimistic about the future.
I've discovered that fishing calms my anxiety and in many ways I have found it to be very much like meditation. That's both ironic and kinda funny because I was taught how to fish by my parents who are avid fishermen from a very young age and I absolutely hated it most of my life. My husband and I got so bored of sitting around the house just eating and sleeping in front of the TV that I suggested we go buy fishing licenses and gear. It's been really nice and therapeutic to see the sunrise most mornings and just sitting and watching the water ripple while the wind blows around the smell of the earth and water.
I've been so mellow and feeling so good that I finally started to record videos again. If you were wondering why I seldom post to my YouTube the secret is simply that I'm camera shy and wildly obsessive yall ! I also wasn't sure which direction I wanted to take my channel in. All I really knew is I wanted to do something to help people but I have a tendency to over think the process and then I get nervous and began to feel insecure about my abilities. All the videos I've done in the past had to have a very specific recipe of events to be executed. No one could be home, I had to already be dressed for something else because I really hate getting dressed just to get in front of a camera. My entire setup had to be ready a day ahead and nothing bad could happen or it would throw off my whole mood and I would have no motivation to move forward. There is no such thing as perfect anything or the right time. The time to do anything important to you is now no matter what is going on around you.
The state of our world is uncertain but dispite the challenges I'm greatful for how I'm growing forward and moving through personal obstacles that have always lead me to self sabotage. Though all of this the greatest lesson I have learned is that even if the world stops turning as long as there is life in my body the beat goes on and so will I because I have to. 

Recollecting Your Strength

These days just flow by so slowly that I seldom know what day it is anymore. I wake up some days anxious and full with my emotions. I think I'm okay but the slightest thing can bring me to tears. Mostly music does it to me and not the sad stuff either which is weird .... it's the happy inspirational things like when you cry in church and I suppose the optimistic hope I have inside just flows out of me. It's because I'm so extremely grateful that my children and husband are safe, we have everything we need and are together.
It's been weeks with my family together and there hasn't been even the slightest bit of tension or argument. I didn't even think that was possible for my kids. I've had the time to cook and bake new recipes so it kinda feels like Thanksgiving break everyday. I am focused only on keeping my family smiling and happy so I'm wipping out all the skills I have to make that possible; even if it means we might not fit through the door when we finally get the greenlight to go back to normal life.
Somedays my husband and I just spend the day falling asleep in front of the Netflix and other days we will spend the whole day listening to music or go for a walk in the woods. I've made the Dalgona coffee in decaf (can't have caffeine) which is amazing but no quarantinis for me that everyone is mixing up right now. I no longer drink at all..... No self righteous bullshit about it either. I wish I was lit most days like the rest of y'all but since I refuse to be on medication managing my health requires taking all other precautions seriously. It sucks too because no one should have to be sober through this situation everyday... but here I am regretfully coherent and alert.
I've started to avoid watching the news and I just read about it instead because I can't stand to see the worry and fear in the faces. My husband handles all the shopping because I'm really not interested at all in being around other people for more than just the coronavirus. The energy is so thick and uncomfortable out there I can't stand it.

    I wasn't going to post anything. I haven't been feeling up to it really and because I feel like who am I to tell anyone how to feel right now . People are too consumed with worry for themselves to even care what's going on with me. However... I'm writing anyway for myself and maybe someone who is feeling what I'm feeling to not to feel alone.
I'm so frustrated my people pleasing addiction is craving to find someone to save. I hate not being able to do more to help. There are families out there running out of money and rent and utilities are still due. There are people who have worked hard to build businesses for themselves that have no clue as to how and if they will recover. The whole world is in a state of panic and none of us know what will happen next...
I know it's a phase that will pass just as everything else does. What I fear most is the aftermath because the hardest thing to accept is that many of us will likely lose someone we know and even worst the possibility of losing someone we love.
This time on pause has really given me introspection about all the difficult things that have happened to me in the last 2 years of my life. I see now it all was ultimately preparing me for this moment.
I've been living a pretty isolated lifestyle for a while now and it's provided the clarity and happy peace I've always wanted away from empty moments. My only connections beyond my front door is my Mom and my bestfriend. I still got love and hopeful wishes for everyone else out there; but I've become honest with myself about my need for deeper connections instead of just settling for whoever will have me while their instrested. I can't be happy with surface material and people wondering vacantly in and out of my life never building solid foundations and never establishing bonds I can trust.
Since I have learned to love myself I have made the needs of my heart a priority. I won't live forever and before I die I want to have known and had what's really important to me. Through that action I have learned to see worth in myself and I have finally realized that God blessed me with smarts and resourcefulness. I've always had everything I needed to sustain and support myself I just never saw it because I was always distracted. If I had not made those changes to my life I know I would be stupid frantic in this pandemic right now. I would have wanted to run home the way I used to and go hunting down the familiar eventual let down. I have been blessed with the tools I needed to get used to being alone and strengthened by my hardships to be sufficient under pressure in order to thrive. Health is the new wealth now and luxury is the ability to wipe your own ass without getting it on your hand. Boredom has never killed anyone and there are worst places to be confined to than home.
If like me you find yourself worried and overwhelmed with stress of the unknown every few days sit with people and talk about all the times you have won when you didn't think you would. All the times you should have been dead but yet you are still here and remind yourself of your struggles so you can remember your strength. Keep your head high and have faith because we are gonna win this this thing too.

The power of belief can be enough to pull you through

I am bored like everyone else in this world wide quarantine....  I'm a regular at social distancing though just for my peace of mind. I can't wait for it to be over so things just get back to normal already. In the meantime all this extra time at home won't go to waste. I'm meditating daily, working and getting alot of things done I've been putting off for ages. Before this pandemic started I was feeling really burned out with work and was struggling to stay motivated. I was looking for a new jolt of energy to be excited and inspired again. Nothing jumpstarts my creativity and passion for my goals like the state of emergency!

Some of us fold when we are anxious and scared, but for those of us who have had to over come states of despair and emergencies through out their life this is just another day to think strategically and be crafty. Long before this pandemic the rules of life has always been the same... Only the strong will survive.

Many people are fixed to their tv screens and are so consumed by fear they aren't even seeing that we as individuals still hold all the cards. There is a elderly man I think he's in his 80s with bad health from the first corona cruise ship to be quarantined making a full recovery. The doctors thought he would die, his wife thought he would die but he stated in his interview he was determined to live no matter what. He noticed that all the others that did not make it was on respirators so he refused to take one and resorted to breathing excercises to strengthen his lungs and he pulled through like a champ. We have to stand firm even in the face of our own immortality sometimes and and let it know not today Boo!

I personally believe that the power in us all is in our belief in hope and that we can persevere. I've been in some dark places in my life but somewhere off in the distance even when I couldn't see it hope lived within me and has always pulled me through. Placebos work because we think that they will and when we belief that we are strong and capable we work better too. For those of you that are in a panic out there today I urge you to look for ways to calm your mind and find your strength. Try meditation and or prayer and be greatful for the simple and beautiful things still around us. Most of us are quarantined in family units or groups of friends so really enjoy your time with your loved ones and avoid wasting that valuable time worried in front of a television. If you notice people in your group that are anxious or scared talk about it together and build each other up so that your unit is strong. I wish you all the best of luck and I pray we all make it even though reality is clear that not all of us will.  We have to be strong to prevent our children from being scared and we have to be strong to pick up the pieces and heal those who will experience loss.

This terrible pandemic

I woke up this morning alarm clock free to the stream of light from my bed side window kissing my face. I slept really well so I feel good and optimistic about the day. Before I can decide what I will have for breakfast I lose my appetite to the reality that the world is at the mercy of the coronavirus pandemic.
Logic and history dictates that this coronavirus situation is not at all unnatural and was bound to happen eventually. There has been many viruses worse than this one to plague our world before.... The most difficult thing to accept about it is the fact that it's happening to us right now! Learning about the plague , Spanish flu, smallpox and syphilis wiping out the native Americans sounds terrible. None of us are ever walking around thinking one day it will happen to us. We are just greatful we weren't here when it happened in the past and pray we will be gone before it happens again.


I don't mind self quarantining because I'm a introvert anyway. I don't mind the economy dropping because my husband and I are extremely inventive survivalist who have conquered more uncertain times than this. I'm not worried about myself or my family getting sick and dying because we are all generally healthy. My anxiety and worry is for the loss of our Sages and those we love with struggling immunity. Unfortunately already 3 members of my extended family have the virus. I keep them in prayer along with prayer for the world.

The whole world is shaken up right now. We all have the same concerns and fears and it's manifesting in alot of negative ways. People you thought you knew are looking a mess with their prejudices, ignorance, and selfishness sticking out. It doesn't matter though because some really beautiful and positive things are happening as well. I almost cried happy inspirational tears to seeing the Italians singing on the balconies with each other. They have it pretty bad right now but they are still here with their heads up high singing songs to unite and inspire motivation through this thing. The world has not ended and will not end with this pandemic because people will always find away to come together even if they can't touch as long as we can feel. We feel each other's anxieties, emotions and fears and those of us that are strong in body and mind will always rise to support those that need us.

During these difficult times if you have the positive energy, strength or extra to help someone that needs you be the light to shine hope in places without it. Many people are afraid right now and just because you can't touch them doesn't mean you can't help.

Free Spirited Limitations

 I'm only completely inhibited and free around people I trust and that's not alot of people at all. I want to be as free as it is possible for me to be. My freedom is at the top of my list only second to my family that is the most important thing to me. I've felt too scared to be myself most of my life and became imprisoned by that fear. Naturally it set my sense of freedom very high once I began to accept myself. I have intentionally look for ways to stretch so that I can relax inside myself by finding new ways to feel freer. I have danced at drum circles around fires in the moon light and on top of tables in rennisance taverns with pirates and fairies. I have jumped off of cliffs into deep waters and floated back up to the surface . I've had actual dance battles in the club back in the day were I have danced so hard and passionately I would be drenched in sweat. I would get this high as if it was only me, swirling colors and the music. I have run naked through the woods with nothing but a sheet and boots in the morning sun. I have been the loudest person in the room. I have brought the party inside myself and shared it with my world and it all was wonderful. I have lived.
I've heard negative but fun rumors about myself that are alot more interesting than I actually am. Makes me jealous of the persona of myself that's being created. It got me thinking about all the things I would do if it was possible for me to be 100% free.
I wish I was brave enough to join a nudist society or to have been a burlesque dancer. Nudist aren't nudist to be sexy they do it to be free of a constricted society. I've always been facinated by the idea of being naked and feeling whole at the same time instead of feeling valunarable. Being naked in front of someone for the first time is terrifying. All you can think about is your every flaw and being rejected. I imagine there would be a rush of relief, love and unconditional acceptance to be only what you are and accepted because of it. How different our world would be if we had never known we were naked in the first place. We put on labels and shiny things and get farther from who we are and ironically try to define who we are by how we dress. It's that moment of seeing someone see all of you for the first time and being accepted that really matters to me. On a larger scale and non sexual I believe it would be amaze balls!

I would have liked to be a burlesque dancer because dancing has always been a passion of mine but mostly because of how clumsily and awkwardly I came into finding my sexy. I hit puberty earlier than I should have so being considered sexy was terrifying at 11. It's confusing for little girls to grow breast and hips and then be bombarded with the most ridiculous, contradicting expectations of society. They want us to be beautiful and sexy and then they want to write notes all over us to restrict it for a comfortable level for them. You can find someone beautiful and sexy easily because to someone everyone is. Once you run a beautiful sexy person through the society edits you won't be instrested in them anymore. I have always found it weird that someone could want to hide you for all the reasons they love you physically, psychologically or emotionally. I'm glad my husband isn't like that because he wouldn't be my husband. I doubt he would want me to be a burlesque dancer but I would have liked to be before I got married just for my own confidence and learning how to feel sexy in myself. Growing up in a basic christian family made me feel handicapped for being a woman. When I got into relationships with men I didn't understand the value of a womans feminine energy. I saw women as the weaker sex and felt weak for being at the mercy of men honestly. Now I understand the beauty and strength in being soft, supple , powerfully nurturing and dangerously sexy. A powerful woman can build or break an empire with the passion she radiates and inspires and that is the real reason that sex sales.

I probably will never join a nudist society or become a burlesque dancer and you know why... because even though I accept my body I don't possess that kind of high and unadulterated confidence. I wish I did and I'm admittedly jealous of people that can because I know they are riding an ultimate sky ship party and I'm not there. I'm okay with it because I'm just glad I don't hate myself and that I don't feel ugly and wrong the way I used to feel. I don't hide my body from my husband, or avoid going to the beach so people won't judge my body. I'm gonna always wish for more free but I'm not mad at where I am. I'm actually perfectly content. If I should ever feel like I've toned down to much I'll just live vicariously through my persona... she's bad ass.

In the company of the sick

If you haven't heard there was a cruise ship that was quarantined from Japan due to an outbreak of the coronavirus. I have prayed daily for those on board. They have been sent back to their nations and placed in a new quarantine. In an article from the Washington post a woman described the cruise as a floating penitentiary because they were not allowed to leave their rooms to prevent the spread of the virus.
It got me to thinking about how a virus is very much like negative energy. Those people went on vacation with the intention to live their best life's docking in exotic places, eating good food and drinking mixed drinks with umbrellas in them. One sick person has spread the virus to almost 300 people. Everyone is fearful and they have taken all the precautions to keep themselves from contacting the virus. I'm sure those people were doing everything recommended to them to stay healthy along with being extra careful not to touch anything or breath too deeply. It doesn't matter though because when a virus is in the very air you breath you won't avoid being affected. Even if you don't get infected your life is limited because you have to confine yourself to avoid being contaminated. Being confined is torture enough.....
Think for a minute how you felt the last time you were surrounded by negative energy. When you are in a space where people are ridiculed and all the subjects around you is negative in nature you don't feel safe. As a child I hid in my room to avoid being debased. As an adult I pack up altogether and leave any situation I'm not comfortable in because hiding doesn't keep you from being affected. When there is no safe place to relax into being yourself you simply lock up inside yourself and your life is negatively impacted just like those people on that cruise. You have to hide yourself and it stuns all the beauty and creativity you where meant to share with the world. When you feel sad there is no one you can trust to share it with. When you feel happy you fear sharing that as well because you fear that your happiness will be picked apart to shreds like Cinderella's dress when she happily showed her sisters and step mother.

Hiding is not coping. Hiding is a symptom that you have already been affected.
It's not natural to get used to hiding everything that you are. Many of us become accustomed to it because we are trying to avoid getting hurt by those we have learned will hurt us but we max it out and extend that energy to everyone... even those that do love us. It will hurt your friends who go out of their way to try to show they love you. It will hurt your children because they will be robbed of being nurtured emotionally and feeling safe with you. It will hurt your romantic relationship because you don't know how to give of yourself. Without even noticing it's you who have become the negativity you have been desperately trying to avoid and protect yourself from. It becomes a curse and just like a virus it spreads into your lineage and infects generations of different versions of you. Worst of all the ones you wish you had protected because their yours that came from you. The world can be a painful place but we must love something important enough to protect it and provide for it the love and nurturing it deserves.

I admit I was affected. I grew up where sarcasm and insults take a front seat while inspiring hope, love of one self ,and faith in your ability went out the window. It prepped me for a never ending fight and I lived in constant defense of myself even long after I was on my own. Too early in my life I had began to feel that life was only suffering. Today I finally understand that suffering is what happens when we can't let go of the rope that is tearing the skin from our hands and wrist. When we can't let go of what's been said about us that shrink our souls. When we can't let go of what's been done to us to dampen our spirits. We hold on to abuse, neglect and ridicule believing that we have won when we stop responding to it and we go numb. Truly it's a sign that we have lost the ability to respond accordingly to ourselves and our own emotional needs.

My husband and his children from his first marriage healed me from blocking my emotions in a crash course of being overly clingy and running wild and rampant with their emotions. It was like everyday someone was crying and talking about their feelings and being all over me constantly like I was a body pillow. I was so annoyed and overwhelmed but they pushed me to accept the love until one day I cracked. It came out angry at first and then I burst into the most relieved tears I've ever cried my whole life. They have all grown up now with lives of their own. I miss them saying I love you a thousand times a day for no reason, and the way we would fall asleep on the couch watching movies huddled together. It was hard being a step mother to someone else's kids with a prejudice mother... but I wouldn't trade the experience for the world because they saved me and in doing so saved my children as well from having an emotionally absent mother. Many of us are sick because we grew out of sick places filled with negative energy. If you really want to free yourself just let someone love you and be thankful enough to give it back and start allowing yourself to feel again. When we don't allow ourselves to feel life is an old black and white tv. Don't you want high definition HD color? Let that shit go.

Love. The torture worth fighting for

Love is a scary thing. We all want it even those of us that do everything in our power to avoid it out of fear. We're scared because we can't control it. Love will make you doubt your every thought and over analyze your actions. Even when I hug my children I get this feeling as if I'm falling and I feel light headed like I'm not getting enough oxygen to my brain. It feels really good knowing that they are mine but terrifying that they aren't immortal and can be hurt or lost to me.
I don't see love the way most people do. I think most people see it as an opposite to hate and bad but I believe love is a force far greater than good or bad because it has the ability to rule them both. For my children I am capable of great and horrifyingly terrible things if it means keeping them from harm. I don't have a limit and there is nothing that I can say that I wont do if it came to it for them. I'm willing to sacrifice myself completely for them. If it had not been for my children I'm not sure I would have ever learned to love with my complete self at all.
What makes love so scary is the surrender. You have to take a risk of confessing your heavy desperation for someone. It seriously hurts to contain love in secret. It's like your every exhale wants to blurt out I want you and can't live without you! Most of us don't do it though do we.... We swallow it down like burning bile provoking nausea in our stomach that spreads into our soul. I cannot count the times I have held back my affections and tortured my soul with secret loves in the past. That was until I first experienced romantic love reciprocated. It's sad for me to say that out of all the romantic connections I have had in my life the only man I can say without a doubt in my mind loved me back is my current husband. I have had men appreciate my love for them, infatuated with my body and what I can do for their egos, or their pockets but few real and honest loves. Well there was one guy friend I had reciprocated love with. I loved him so much I wanted him around forever so I wouldn't take the risk of being together then breaking up and losing him. I lost him anyway because he couldn't handle not loving me the way he really wanted to. I'm still glad it didn't happen though because I would rather it never happened at all than have him become a victim of someone too damaged at the time to love him the way he deserved properly. When I did start trying to love better it was unhealthy because it was codependent. I would find people more messed up in the head and heart than I even was and I would try and save them. I would be everything I knew they needed and over nurture them until they became dependent on my love and affection. It was soooooo wildly unhealthy because my want to be needed created emotional vampires. I had not even learned to love myself so I was just sacrificing myself to the needs of others. I would allow the drain to the point that I always felt dead and tired inside and had nothing left to even motivate myself for the kind of life I really wanted. I have put myself out there alot!
I have looked like a damn fool quite often and you know what... I'm not mad about it or regretful! Especially coming from where I come from and going through what I've gone through! I'm proud that I still tried to love and I still believe in love. If I had given up I may have never found it.
We chose the torture in silence as an option instead of revealing our love because being rejected feels like an instant death. To want someone and not be wanted back, appreciated or even acknowledged is a blow to our existance. It feels like dying over and over again but I have to admit it's worth it.
I have learned it's better to die and be reborn after rejection than constantly swallowing regurgitated love we can't express. Holding it in keeps you sick and I can't go through life sick on love I'm too afraid to admit is there. I try very hard to throw myself in and give it all I've got if there's room for a chance. Many time I've come up short and died from my love not being wanted. I emerge from the grave a cynical rotting corpse of a person but I come back to life. Life is about risk. If we aren't willing to take a chance on failing there is no chance we will ever win. I've gotten wiser about what's worth a chance though. I'll take the first step on opening my heart and allowing my feelings to flow and if I notice the other person doesn't move I don't chase I just pack up my efforts and move on. I don't die everytime I'm rejected anymore because I've resurrected myself so many times. It's comfortable to move on confidently when you you know you truly tried. Don't give up on love yall because there is no experience better than finally finding it and having it reciprocated. I watched this documentary the other night about a couple in Germany that did not find love until they were in their 50s! I cried happy tears watching them be so beautifully content and happy. I know in this day and age it's much harder to find but if you keep looking it will find you.

Social media is not a game

When I first started gaining recognition on Instagram I started looking at it from a business perspective. I even took my closest friends off of my page and basically told them to follow at their own risk because I was ready to play the social media game to win. I didn't want them to start to believe for a second my life was candy and unicorns so it wouldn't affect our relationship. I had planned to play the superficial rainbows and lollypops way because that's what most people respond to. It's very easy to do... all you have to do is do what most everyone else is doing. Dress trendy, use current celebrity quotes, act like everyday is the best day ever and pretend to be interested in everything everyone else is intrested in. 😑🤭😖 Yea that didn't last 5 minutes!🤣 I should have known better because everything I'm made out of goes against that act. I'm a scorpio with bi polar disorder for goodness sakes! That's like dressing Eeyore up for a never ending rave. I can only lie well when I believe the lie or really want to believe it to avoid a painful truth. I can't knowing pretend anything especially happy or interested when I'm not.
I do love fashion but only fashion between 1920 to 1960s and bohemian flowy feminine wear. I am also obsessed with costuming and fantasy designs. I hated the 90s when it was the 90s and I hate this new reproduction of it in 2020 even more. I listen to mostly old music like the BeeGees, Elton John, Jason Mraz, old school R and B and 20s jazz. The only new music I'm really instrested in is vulgar dirty gritty gangster rap. The rawer the better.🤗 I love Megan thee Stallion! She's from Houston and a Texan and acts like she kills men on the side for fun while wearing stripper wear. I can't do what she's does but I dig it!  It sounds kind of odd that I walk around dressed all primp and proper like a lady in the 50s listening to gangster rap but that's just my reality. When I really want to be comfortable I dress like a new age hippy witch. What you see is what it is and what you gonna get. I don't worry about it making sense to people. As much as I love fashion I don't love it enough to talk about it everyday or advertise every company that approaches me when I don't love what they want me to sale. I have alot of clothing, jewelry, wigs and stuff..... it's all just stuff yall. On days when I'm struggling to get through the day and I'm all dolled up somehow all the stuff makes me feel sadder somehow. Fashion is fun, trends and pop culture is something to talk about to distract us from monotonous days. At the end of the day they are all things outside ourselves that we won't really enjoy if we're not happy inside. I just require more and I know there are lots of people out there that require it too. My whole life I have always been driven by my pursuit of knowledge and finding the meaning of my existence. I guess you can say I'm a true saposexual. I need someone to teach me something I don't already know or say something so wise and true that challenges my believes enough to have me flip my mind over to redisect myself again. It's why I have always been attracted to older men and my crushes have always been professor types. I get bored easily when there is no meaning behind words and the older I get the less entertained I am by what my options are out here.
I have to be true to myself and nurture my true talents and abilities . I've always been good at helping people through the hard stuff even when I didn't know how to help myself. In the past before I learned to value myself I used my talent to try and get people to value me because I wanted to feel needed and wanted by anyone that would. I don't need or even want everyone to like me now, it's too stressful to even consider attempting to please everyone. The more popular I become the more uncomfortable being a social media influencer becomes for me but I'm coping with it. I won't quit this because it holds me accountable for keeping myself in check and emotionally healthy. There are days I need the pressure to stay motivated and positive to practice what I preach. I'm extremely grateful to my true fans and I want you guys to know that you have helped me see that I am capable of great things when I doubted that I was good at anything at all.
I get asked all the time how to become a social media influencer. Along with the dick picks and guys asking for my what's app number (I don't have a what's app) the other half of my messages is people wanting to be a social media star. I promise you guys that it is not as glamorous as it seems. It starts off fun and then after a year it becomes so monotonous and heavy. It's difficult to have to refresh yourself every week. Lots of people are refreshing and repurposing themselves by the day! Brand companies are seriously out to get you to do the most for the absolute least, and everyone that doesn't understand that what you do is more than taking photos and looking pretty doesn't even take what you do seriously. Trust me it's far more serious than I ever imagined it was and to be honest if I had to do it all over again I wouldn't because I wasn't ready for the responsibility of how much of my time and my life it requires. I've finally reached the threshold where I narrowed it down to a level that doesn't overwhelm me mentally. What I appreciate the most about social media is how it grew me as a person. I didn't know what I was doing at first and I was just winging it and having fun and then it became a job. The pressure was constantly pushing me to confront myself about what I wanted. All I can really do comfortably that I won't get bored with is help people and be honest about who I am so that is what I do. For those of you that really want to do this this is my advice to you.
1. come as you are.
You are going to attract both positive and negative attention no matter what you are doing but if you are being true to yourself it's easier to deal with. People have millions of examples of what fake looks like. They will see right through your bullshit if you pretend to be someone you're not. What's worst is pretending to be someone else at any time for any reason even actors will tell you that it can be damaging to your authentic self over time and cause depression. No amount of money or recognition is worth being miserable for.

2. Do what you are good at and passionate about even if it's not common.... especially if it's not common.
A few good people who are faithful to your cause is better than thousands who just follow you so you will follow them. An influencer is about your faithful audience not your pretend audience. The more real you are to your unique talents the more people you find that truly value you because you are like minded with them. Finding your tribe is in my opinion the best thing about social media. It feels good to know you are not alone and there are people that understand you.

3. If you don't love and enjoy what you are doing enough to do it only for yourself then I dont think this is for you at all. The numbers are up and down. People will come and go and you must remain unfazed and loving what you are doing anyway. You cannot get too emotional attached to followers to the point you are negatively affected if they go. You may form connections you really want to keep forever and they can decide to stop following you if you eat meat and they go vegan. Most people are committed to what they like reflected about themselves. The moment they see something they dont want to see that doesn't fit their vision of what they have decided to believe you are they are gone and you have to be okay with that.

4. Do not respond to negative attention!
You better have a thick skin because people will come at you with ridiculousness. It's a waste of energy to be fighting people everyday that you don't even know that are trying to get you to participate in nonsense. I've gotten so used to this it's taught me grace and patience so well I don't even fight with people I do know anymore. Use your energy towards your goals .If you get a troll in social media world that's a signal that you are doing something right. A troll is really a super fan that is so thirsty for your attention that they are dedicated to make time for stalking you everyday. You must learn to be greatful for them it's a milestone and a reality that just comes with the job.

5. Do not allow money and fame to shape you against who you actually are, what you stand for and have been telling your audience about you. If you are body positive and you start selling diet pills be prepared to fall hard. Fame is like the Aztec Gods... it will lift you up and shower you in riches and then cut out your heart for sacrifice and throw your body over a cliff. Social media seems like a game but a bad move can ruin your real life. Even those pretending to be someone they aren't are still real people behind the mask and real people find away to affect each other.

6. Social media is not just for fun it's a billion dollar business. If you really want to be an influencer invest in business classes and educating yourself so you can be prepared to defend yourself against those out to just use you. Brands will throw free clothing at you while they pay others that know the business and get what they deserve.

Your truth will set you free

Let's just be honest..... Being different sucks. It's not as cool as people think it is and it's alot to get used to. I'm an outcast of my extended family. I open my mouth and their heads start to tilt while puzzlement takes their faces. I tried really hard and pretended to be something I thought that they could love but that wasn't good for me. I spent much of my childhood alone escaping my life of feeling empty into books looking for characters like me to inspire me to accept myself.
It took too long to learn to accept myself.... I've lost years I can never get back so I won't wait for someone to see my worth and appreciate me. I'm not going out of my way to prove I'm worthy anymore either. I have learned to move on without resentment or anger about it because for all I know maybe it's the same for them. I practice staying in a state of acceptance of what is and not what I wish for it to be. I don't want anyone stressing about how to understand me and it's too late to want to get to know me now because I have responsibilities to the family I've made for myself. I realize that the way my family has evolved we just don't have the building blocks or the emotional stability to be better together so I don't blame them for the way things are. Unfortunately for us all we just never came together right. Generations of teenagers for parents from broken abusive homes does not build beautiful family structures. It's not easy being so different from them but I believe that I'm supposed to be because it's my job to break the cycle and build a family that knows how to love. I'm going to focus all my energy on being honest with myself and living in my truth.
The reason I'm so candid about my life experiences is because I have had to deny to myself what's happened to me so that I could be strong the way my family always enforced that I be. It did make me strong but also hardened me because I never had a safe place to share my pain. I've been drowning inside on my past mistakes, traumas and wishing for things that will never be. I don't blog about any of this for sympathy, I do it because it liberates me and I feel better for doing so. It sets me free from the shame of my past mistakes and hardships to share my stories. Shame is an enemy that whispers to you in the dark that everyone sees your tainted even when your not we are all only human. Long before I ever opened my mouth or applied words to a page I've felt like the whole word watched me burn contently appreciating my torture because shame made me believe it. I refuse to be harassed or controlled by my shame or my past trauma anymore. I am not afraid to be criticized, spoken negatively about,or being rejected by anyone anymore. So I speak my own truth and I set myself free from the burdens I've kept reliving over and over again. 

The worst thing that ever happened to me

Once upon a time after a 19 year old girl's first suicide attempt she was released from the hospital. The very next day she meet a really attractive man who was 30 years old who looked exactly like Ricky Martin but hetosexual and hotter. He seemed like the most charming guy she had ever meet. He started out what seemed like just overly concerned for her but that turned into  controlling fast. He constantly criticized my body and made me feel ulgy. He would tell me how I wasn't his type and flirted openly with other women so I broke up with him after 4 months . He started calling excessively and even showed up to my house drunk yelling for me in the yard. I avoided him at all cost. He came back while my family wasn't home one day and brutally raped me after throwing me through a glass coffee table and threaten to kill me if I tried to leave him again. I was so scared of him I was with him another 3 months completely against my will. He was a coke head and everytime he got high which was everyday, he would get really mad at the smallest things and go into rages and push me down and rape me whenever he felt like it. He would follow up on his threats if I didn't listen to him so I stopped fighting him so he wouldn't hurt me as bad. I didn't tell anyone what he was doing to me. I was still in complete disbelief of what was happening to me and everyone loved him so I didn't think they would believe me anyway. He spent alot of money on me and my family. He even paid for my sophomore year in college. He gave my son a huge party for his first birthday and was constantly showering me with sorry I abuse you gifts. He would tell me he loved me everytime he would do it and even cry like he was really sorry.  I spent some time away over the summer at my aunts house to get some distance between he and I and he started seeing another girl he told me about. He wasn't around everyday after work when he started seeing her except when he wanted sex with me. My family was renting and the landlord had to suddenly sale the house and my parents didn't want to buy it so we moved within a few weeks is how I escaped him. I was never the same after him. I still feel sick if I see Ricky Martin on tv or magazines to this day.  I have an aversion to overly attractive men or men that want to spend money on me because I see it as a way to gain to gain control. I told my Mom what happened to me a year later and she pretended to believe me but told other people in my family that she didn't.  He had always told me that no one would believe me. I haven't really talked about the full story until this year and there are still things I'm too embarrassed to say out loud about it even to myself. After that happened to me my mind got really distorted and I didn't realize then but I know now that it had completely blocked my ability to both see when I was loved and give love properly.

I had a very close friend who was madly in love with me and loved my son as well. Sadly I actually was in love with him too but I didn't believe he loved me I thought he just wanted to sleep with me so I was mean to him. I didn't take affection very well from anyone. I had started to believe that no one could love me because I was dirty from the rapes and tainted forever. I still don't know why I thought that I just did. When I finally did have sex after him it had turned into a dark experience for me. First I was just scared and then when I did learn to enjoy it again it got worst. I would use sex to torture myself everytime I felt worthless. I would crave just being used and then afterwards I would cut myself or hurt myself some kind of way out of shame. I had begun to only be attracted to unhealthy relationships. When I finally met a decent man (my second husband), Our relationship was kinda sexless and he was good to me but mostly invested in his music. I think the lack of sex made me feel safe in away but it didn't stop me from craving my sexual bad habits. Within our 4th year I cheated on him eventually.  I got pregnant and had a very regrettable abortion. I was a prolifer in the abortion clinic. I felt the child would become a pariah and be hated for my mistakes. I couldn't afford to take care of it either and I couldn't support my son and work while I was pregnant to put it up for adoption. A few months after the abortion I was held at gunpoint by a stalker I was wishing had killed me . I didn't even know the man I had only saw him at my work. I wasn't allowed to stay at my appartment when the man was released on bail. The police department requested I stay with family or a friend for a little while if I didn't want to be in protective custody until they were certain I was safe. I decided to stay with a man who I believed to be my best friend at the time. He took full advantage of my vulnerability and gave me the torture my soul was looking for and used me like I believed I deserved. I had no one but my son. My family had moved way, my best friend moved away and I was alone. I was drinking and partying all the time to make myself believe I was okay to numb out. I was constantly dripping drama and confrontation and that was just how I was through out my 20s. Just a broken damaged girl.

The reason I'm sharing this horrible story is because it's things like this that takes us away from love and if we don't heal we stay that way. I'm not the only one who has lived things like this. One in 3 women has or will be raped in their life time. It's the kind of thing that kills something inside of you forever. 

If you read my blogs often you know that I'm very happy now and is madly in love with my husband. I live a completely different life now I never thought I would ever have. It wasn't always this way though. It's still a hard story to tell and I still struggle discussing it to this day. Every couple of years I tell a little more to my husband about it when it starts hunting me again. 

I sometimes have the tendency to go numb out of no where sometimes without even being triggered. It has taken so many years of my life from me and made it difficult for me to accept and experience healthy love.

I used to hate for people to touch me. I used to be very feisty and felt easily threatened. I didn't trust anyone and doubted all the love around me. I see now today that when I look back I wasn't as alone as I thought I was. My grandmother took care of my son through the week while I was in college. My second husband's family loved me like I was part of their family. My best friend although she was states away stayed intouch and would come and see me and has always been a gentle and loving person I could confide in and be myself with. 

I didn't see any of them. They were all just distant voices in the dark. That is how broken people see the world around them. I slipped back into the same behavior again during the time my current husband and I were separated for 2 years. I understand that I returned back to it because I still had not learned to love myself yet or see myself worthy of love. Once my heart was broken again I thought of myself as just an object for consumption and that I would forever be punished for my ruin and that God would never forgive me for killing my own baby. I was right back in the car with my demons making my own living hell. 

I did the work this last time though. I have dedicated my life to staying health and villigiant of my thoughts and nurturing of my own feelings. I don't worry about returning there again anymore even though I'm living a healthy lifestyle now I'm still processing it. I know it's never going to go away. I wish I could extract it all from my memory and forget it forever but I finally accepted that is never going to happen. I have to work through it and remind myself that even though my experiences have not been good I can be good. What I'm most greatful for today is how I have learned to receive love from those who love me and how to give it back. I don't over extend myself to people that don't want to show me love anymore to torture myself out of guilt and shame of my past mistakes. I don't involve myself with others that are still riding with their demons that aren't ready to free themselves and are a bad influence on me maintaining a healthy life style and positive attitude. If you are still riding with yours I'm sharing my worst and deepest secrets to show you that it is possible to let it go and heal. When we don't see our worth and that we are worthy of love we constantly perpetuate negative behavior. 

I used to be the kind of person that always had something negative to say. I was dead set on protecting myself because I had been hurt and pushed people away from me that loved me. I was wapped up in childish behaviors and revenge and hatred toward men because I had been abused by men. I had killed the notion that love was possible for me but I was wrong. The key to the door of a completely different life can be opened by changing our perception of that life. Bad things happen to us all but its us who chooses if we want to allow those things to make us bad people. I choose to use my stories to help those like me who are stuck in the dark see the light. What has happened to me has and will help others. It made me a strong person and I think I owe it to myself and others to use my experience for good.