New year new me is a myth

Year 2020 is literally in 2 days..... It came so fast. Most definitely before I was ready. I can't complain really because 2019 has been a really awesome year for me. I taught myself alot of new skills and learned a ton of information about advertisement and marketing myself. I think bigger now and have learned how to conquer my fears in pursuit of my goals. I used to be a shopaholic but not anymore! I have everything I need and no available closet space; but mostly it's because I have done the deep diving into myself and finally figured out what makes me truly happy. Other than traveling and exploring new places everything else that makes me happy is free. My only real struggles this year was my inherited high blood pressure and my migraines. I put alot of time,energy and research into getting those under control and dropped all medications in exchange for ayurvedic solutions. I'm so happy it's working 🤗!

I don't do new year resolution because in my opinion it's a quick way to failure and self disappointment. To try and fail without a properly organized goal just drains us of our self esteem and willpower. You truly end up doing more harm to yourself. It's not enough to decide to change your life or behavior just because the year is new and everyone else is doing it. Most people fall off of their new years resolution before the spring even arrives. If you just have to make a new years resolution I think the only resolution that would truly make sense at changing your life is a resolution to be honest with yourself about what you truly want and constantly evaluating yourself in your pursuit to get it. Yes it is really that easy. It's our self doubt and avoidance of doing the hard work and sticking to it that's hard. Or really deep down it's just not that important to us.

My high blood pressure was not important to me mainly because of ignorance. Many people in my family have hypertension but I never thought of it as serious because my Granny made a soap opera out of it so the rest of my family made a joke out of it. She would behave like she was fragile to disappointment as if she would die if you upset her. When I was a child my cousin's and I would do drama impressions of her and our parents did too.🤣 When I was first told I was pre hypertensive years ago I just though... oh damn I got the drama disease. I didn't do research or anything which I know better that I should have because my family doesn't take anything seriously. Well turns out it's no laughing matter and I can seriously die!

During all of my migraine testing and treatment they put me on high blood pressure medicine to rule hypertension out for being the reason for my migraines. Hypertension turned out not to be the reason but I had a new problem....the high blood pressure medicine made me miserable. You could slap me in the face hard and I wouldn't have felt it. I couldn't feel anything. My body felt numb and dead. They had taken my wine from me, I had already stopped my cannabis consumption long before that and now they had taken my sex life too! It had me on the edge of depression. I was like Awwww Hell Naw! So I did what I always do and fell into research looking for a solution to get off of those meds. There was a lot of trial and error and a lot of tears but I finally found a way. It takes a whole lot more discipline and commitment going the ayurvedic way and honestly a pill is easier but I refuse to live my life in a perpetual state of numbness physically and mentally. Unfortunately for many of us life threatening circumstances or valuable losses is the only thing that motivates us to change and some people are so stubborn they will still chose death and loss over bettering themselves.

The truth is we are going to change rather we like it or not but we have a chance to chose rather we want that change to be for the good or the bad. I have seriously seen memes and quotes that say things about it being exhausting to be constantly working on yourself all the time; and I think to myself... that's so ignorant because even if you don't decide to better yourself it's still going to be work but it's going to be a worst situation. Life is going to be hard rather you want to be good at it or not and if I'm going to be struggling at it anyway it makes more since to be going in a direction I want to go instead of drifting along waiting for my next downfall that I likely self induced.

New year new me is a myth we become someone new over and over again and if we want to we can decide who and what we become. We are all forever changing until we are just dust. Start small and grow your dreams into the life you want to live. Happy New Year Everyone and Cheers to Positive growth and success. 

Hope on red wings

 There's a small tree outside my window and during the winter months a group of cardinals gather there. I would not have ever noticed if it wasn't for the pecking at my window that has awakened me a few rare times in the morning. I make a note of it in my journal everytime it happens. It's only been 3 times. Twice last year and once this year so far. All of the times it has happened I went to bed late and in my feelings with worry and confusion and woke up earlier than I expected to the knocks on my window.
The winter months tend to bring the blues out of some of us. For me it's the melancholy weather and the energy of Christmas can sometimes be overwhelming that makes me feel im in a world of my own. For the most part I am and have grone very accustomed to it. I'm grateful to have my husband and children with me but my circle used to be a lot bigger and my holidays used to be grander. I've come to understand that bigger and grander does not equal better. Lots of people gets noisy and conflict overshadows and breaks down Chrismas spirit into things you spend the rest of your life trying to forget. Being alone in a crowded room is always more uncomfortable than being alone with yourself. I used to be one of those people that sent everyone I know a Christmas card, make homemade gifts and turn my house into a Christmas wonderland. None of that stuff seem to make a difference or brought the love and closeness I longed for from my relationships with people.... Eventually I would find myself sitting on the floor trying to get old Christmas lights to work thinking of my Poppo screaming at the wrestling Chrismas special with my Step dad laughing while they drank beers. I would give some days of my life away to just be a fly on the wall back in that moment watching them interact for my entertainment. Back in the day at my Granny's house we would play spades and drink while my mom and aunt's cooked, and all the children watched Christmas movies late into the night. Those days have passed now and my husband being white causes all kinds of hurtful problems so we don't even feel welcomed there anymore. It's just us four now and we have managed to make our own traditions and build our own holiday cheer. Each time the cardinals came to me I felt down the night before just thinking about my family and things that will never be again. The cardinals cleared the heaviness from my heart and reminded me that I am loved and watched over by my Bubba and my Poppo. It won't be that easy for all of us to come out of the winter blues but for those of us that want to find hope sometimes it's in the syncronitcity around you. Maybe it's a bird at your window, waking up at 5.55 or hearing that right song at the right time. Sometimes finding hope only requires that we pay attention. 

I'm Good Today and optimistic for tomorrow

I woke up feeling amazing this morning. I'm grateful for it because I have been in a mood for a little while now and completely overlooking my blessings. We all do that sometimes and the very thing we complain about now we live to wish we would have appreciated later. I'm tired of wishing for moments I forgot to live and enjoy.
The past year my life has changed in ways I never imagined it would. I look back to my old self now and then for reference points to find a grip on myself but my past self has no answers. I remember my old self so well and yet I admit I sometimes miss my old shell because I don't quite feel my current self is as tailored as I would like to feel.
Change is very hard regularly but we do better when change just happens to us against our will because we have no choice but to adjust. Changing with purpose takes the same strength but requires courage and bravery on top of the rest of the struggle. Courage and bravery need extreme amounts of will power and determination and somedays I just don't have it and I finally understand that that's okay. I get so frustrated I want to just shatter into a fit of rage and drown into pool of tears. Rage is usually counterproductive and anger is just a mad mask for pain we want to suppress. Drowning in self pity feelings sorry for myself or hunting down someone to throw the blame at won't build a better me either. So.... I've just had to sit with myself and rest and reevaluate what it is I want to do and why. I don't feel the same way I used to feel when I started all of this. I don't even care about the same things I used to care about. It's been pressure because I sometimes feel like I have to keep doing what I've been doing because it's what people expect...... but Hell No! I refuse to ever live my life ever again for the expectations of people. I don't want be known by everyone. I just want to help people that struggle like I do and understand my vibe. As I get closer to my purpose and grow into my current evolution I have begun to feel lighter again so I am harnessing it and expressing it in a way to grow it. It's not easy at all to do but the way I do it is by keeping a rational mind and focus my energy on my goals. I can be sad today if I feel like it or mad tomorrow but I will not stay there and make it a lifestyle or character trait. I will not create dialogue in my mind against myself or others. If I do I remind myself I'm only human and the same for everyone else. We all make mistakes, we all back slide or stumble along the way through out our journey. We aren't all bad and we aren't all good. Even if we have done the best things we can turn the tide with the worst decisions. The worst things are eventually forgotten and everything only last a day even if the consequences last a life time we can chose to be triumphant and change our stars. We are all only as good as we decide to be today. 

Protect yourself with self love to avoid mistreatment and manipulation

If you stand for nothing you will fall for anything. My Granny has said that to me a million times. I don't think there is anything more valunarable than a person that lacks self worth. When we don't love ourselves we look for validation from others. We will allow people to talk to us any kind of way, treat us like we are optional and misuse and abuse us. It's because they are aware of the control they have over our self esteem. They will manipulate us around their wants and needs. If we feel good about ourselves they will find away to drag us down to keep us in lack mentality and insecurity about who we are to be sure we don't build ourselves up beyond their control. If we are feeling down they will pretend to be our savior and drown us in emotional debt that we can never pay back and make slaves out of us in our attempt to redeem ourselves. 

You are valuable because your consciousness is valuable. Some people may want your body, beauty, or your money but they gotta get to your mind in order to keep it. The control over a mind has been desired all through out our history because if you can manipulate someone you can get anything you want. 

Advertisements build fantasies and make billions off of us all by selling us imagery that makes us question the quality of our lifes. You may not even have a viral disease; but these commercials of happy people riding bikes and dancing with their friends at a bar dressed up smiling makes you wonder sometimes if you need one so you can take what they are selling and get happy.

 Our interactions with people around us are no different. You may be offended sometimes by being bombarded with advertisement to buy things but have you noticed the same tactics from the people you invite into your life? People who you know to be absent of emotions and display of feelings as long as you have known them are suddenly crying to keep you from walking away? People who compliment you constantly and claim to love you but does not know a single thing about who you actually are. Even though they have miles of information readily available to them about you? People who undermine what's important to you all the time in the guise of it being about someone else to subliminally plant feelings of worthlessness in you about it.             When I was struggling with my self esteem I fell for all of these kinds of things. I was constantly seeking approval. Everything I would attempt to do with my life I would walk around with it looking for feedback. I put alot of things I truly love down because the people I wanted to support me the most thought it was stupid, strange, or they just simply didn't approve because it wasn't their vision for me. I don't look back at it in regret because I've learned what real love and support is from seeing what it is not.

         I have 2 beautiful sons 10 years old and 18 years old. Like all parents I had my own vision for them but I learned quickly what I wanted for them and who they actually are does not mix. I could push my agenda and manipulate them into feeling their ideas and dreams are useless like lots of parents do but that would bring up a question..... Do I love them for who they are or what I want them to be? They are my children with destinies of their own not my private possessions to control. I'm just a lucky guide to give them options by teaching them all the things I've learned.

 My point is people that truly value you do not wish to manipulate and control you. Real love is nurturing, teaching and guiding you along the way and wishing you happiness. Not all of us were so lucky to get that kind of unconditional love. Unfortunately it puts alot of us out in the world with the belief that we aren't good enough and we are scared to make decisions for ourselves without approval because we have never been approved of. It creates low self esteem and self worth and we become victims of others that will exploit and misuse us because we so badly need someone to say it's alright to be ourselves. I'm here to tell you that it is perfectly alright to be yourself and I hope you really hear me if you have been needing to to recognize it.. It's alright to be yourself because I believe that our true self is the one that makes our dreams come true and bring us happiness. It's your true self that is destined for greatness. You may go far being who people told you to be but your gonna wake up one day... hopefully not on your death bed wondering why you allowed them to manipulate you into not being you. 

It's Wanting more.... That's gonna bring me to my knees.

The whole of last week was a rather challenging one so it turned out for the best I was in insta-jail during most of that time. I've been working on trying to get these migraines under control and it's been extremely frustrating. I have lost many of my pleasures. I don't smoke anything at all, and I can't drink anymore at all. 😔 It really sucks because I love wine and I really enjoy pretty sophisticated mixologist drinks when I'm out. I have to watch my salt in take as well so it's made eating boring and bland. I hate doctor's, medication's and all these test and crap I have to go through to find a solution that seems to still be evading me. It's had me feeling really down and on the edge of depression but on the edge is as far as I will permit myself to go. 

I've discovered that there is always a valuable opportunity to ascend into a greater understanding of self and life through pain and darkness. I don't push it away anymore because it's the most important classes any of us will ever attend. I get so frustrated at times rushing my progression and questioning why this or that hasn't happened yet. Like John Mayer says in Gravity, "It's wanting more that's gonna bring me to my knees." The more we want the less time we spend appreciating what we have. The desire to have more moves what we can and do enjoy too quickly to remember that we enjoyed anything at all. When the pain in my head starts it kicks me right back into wishing for the day before. That day seemed so boring and routine just hanging out on the couch binge watching Titans and Doom Patrol laying on my husband. In the throws of pain all I want is to be back there again encapsulated in a good story with my husband's hand in my hand and the sound of the laughter of my family. I feel ashamed of myself everytime pain has to remind me of goodness of my life I miss over and over again reaching for more of this and that, that would ultimately not make me happier at all. Would you still hate your hair if you had cancer and it fell out and you were fighting for your life to just be there with your family as long as you possibly can? Would you still hate your job if you lost it and had to separate your family to try and get on your feet again? Would you still hate your life if you spent all the rest of it in pain waiting to die? Those things are the reality of many people right now today. 

Alot of things we focus all of our energies on in pursuit of just aren't as important as we believe. Money can't buy you time with those you love when that time is gone. Luxuries are worthless when you are too sick or too lonely to enjoy them. I'm sure you have heard it all before but really put it into perspective the next time you are wanting so much that you can't see what's really valuable. As difficult as it is for me I'm grateful that my pain keeps me in check.

It's ironic how I thank it now when I have spent so much of my life running from it. I don't go into the dark intentionally with self pity or self loathing because it's responsible to the life I'm trying to live and disrespectful to those I've chosen to give my life to. I do however respect the hell out of my dark times for building me into who I am and growing me further. The darkness is where we grow up and find our truth and see ourselves. If you are in the struggle right now today pull yourself out of the victim mentality and ask yourself what is my darkness trying to teach me that I should learn? I promise you if you start looking at it like a blessed challenge you will come out of it even brighter and better on the other side.

My Mission

I only started taking photos for fun as a way of expressing myself because I have always liked to make things beautiful and I wanted to do it as much as possible my own way. When I was in cosmetology school working with elderly women I would listen to their stories most of which were very sad and I knew that once I turned them around to see themselves in the mirror I would improve their whole day. As my career advanced I went from making people feel better about themselves to just feeling worst about myself. The higher you get in the beauty industry the more they spend you around and rip you to shreds to conform you to high beauty standards. I was ostracized for not doing cocaine and lost freelance work when I rejected it. I lived on Starbucks coffee because my boss would give me a look and lecture if she saw me eating. She would remind me of how much better I would do in my career if I were thinner since I had such a pretty face. My face was always broken out from wearing makeup every single day, and my hair was falling out from over processing it through relaxers, dyes and constantly straightening it. I looked a mess and didn't feel or look beautiful anymore so I quit the industry after I gave birth to my second son. I spent alot of years just being a stay at home mom just looking for myself and trying to find passion in a career again. I have finally found it but I was scared at first because so much of what I do now brings me closer to where I was then. What's far apart now is who I am now compared to who I was then. 

I've always had big ideas and have been more optimistic than most people think is reasonable. I've been called too nice more often than I care for and have been considered a fool to many for being encouraging. People have said " Ooh she thinks she's all that and act like she knows everything!" Neither of which is true but I always considered it a compliment when people are irritated by what they think I think of myself which should be of no concern to them. I don't know everything I just know what my life has been and what I've learned from it. I haven't thought positive of myself enough which is why I've been misused so often. I don't see the world the way most people do and it sucked when I figured it out. I decided I would just work harder on accepting myself even the parts that are weird and rejected. I gotta stay true to me. 

   I have been ashamed to admit I feel like I'm being blessed and kissed by God when I experience the first breeze of the day thats strong enough to blow my hair across my face. Every time it happens I stop and close my eyes to hold the moment. I crave watching the sun set or rise and when I haven't seen either in a while I get anxiety. I make time to sit with the moon alone and sometimes sneak away outside late at night just to lie down on my porch and stare at the sky. I don't have manicured hands and especially not feet because I feel strangely disconnected when my feet can't touch the actual earth. I feel kinda bad to admit it but I just don't care about most of the things that are important to most people and I'm not apologizing for it either. I think people make a lot of noise about what's wrong with the world and what's wrong with other people without trying to ever fix themselves. I don't want to be perfect I don't try and be. I'm filled with flaws so I'm constantly working on them and trying very hard to be accountable for what kind of energy I bring into the world. I don't want to rob my children of their innocence, be discouraging to my friends or steal hope from my family. I've had all those things block me from having hope. I've had to leave people and places to keep myself from drowning there again. 

   I'm not for everyone but I know I'm meant for some and to find the rest of those out there that feel as I do. I know I'm not going to change the world but if I can I just want to make you see that you can change your world and help you to see the beauty in you by expressing the beauty in me.

I am a Woman and I am Proud

Classy. As a noun is defined by the Merriam Webster dictionary to mean.

: having or showing class. elegant, stylish.

: having or reflecting high standards of personal behavior. 

It derives from the word class. 

: A group sharing the same economic or social rank, especially high social rank.

Historically it's a word of division built to separate us all by our economic status. In a nut shell, it's a table for the wealthy and higher class to tell the rest of us we aren't suitable enough to share a table or space with. What is considered valuable by the wealthy has set the stage for everyone from what we eat, where we live and what we wear. When the British set eyes on the Africans and the native Americans that wore little clothing because of their hot climates they called them savages. They considered their gyrating bodies and melanin skin to be overtly sexual in nature because we didn't look like them or dress like them. Scantily clad clothing or nudity became classless because it was looked down upon by the wealthy from a colder climate. 

    When I was in the 2nd grade I was the only girl in my class who required a bra. Grown adult men looked at me like I was a piece of meat. They didn't care that I was just a little girl. I was so scared I taped my breast down and dressed like a boy until I was 12 years old. I used to want to be a boy just so I wouldn't feel uncomfortable under the gaze of men. Still to this day I talk to my husband regularly about the things I would do if I was a man because it's still so unsafe to be a woman or a child in this world. I'm never going to be a man. I was born a girl and I've grown into a woman and I intend to celebrate it. I'm fearless in my skin and I own every grain of my femininity. I'm not interested in sitting at anybody's table because I'm in a class of my own. I'm not going to hide myself because men have been sexualizing me since I was an 8-year-old girl! The very first time a man kissed me on the mouth and put his hand up my shorts I was 8 years old. He was in his 50s and the minister of the church I attended during summer vacation. I was so scared after I escaped the bathroom he closed me in and I told my mom what happened and she tried to kill him right in front of God and everybody. And get this! Everyone took that man's side because he was the minister of the Church. Years later when I was 17 my Stepdad told my mom that the minister had gone to jail for getting his daughter and granddaughter pregnant and was connected to many other sexual assaults of young girls in the church.

  I have lived the proof of no matter what you wear, look like or your age will deter men from seeing you as an object. It's a problem for all women. Some of us cover up because we were taught its "classy" and the way women should be. If that works for you Kudos my sister as long as you are being true to your character. Some are told, " If you aren't selling don't advertise!" My Granny used to say that all the time. I'm not selling and the first person I consider when entertaining is myself in all things that I do. If I don't like it you won't even get to see it. I am declaring my body as my own and I'm proud to be a woman in my body and proud of my feminine sexuality just like any man would be. I have come a very long way from being dissatisfied with who I am and I'm finally loving this life God has blessed me with and the body he put me in. I'm not guilty of being sexy in fact I quite enjoy it, and not because of anyone's confirmation rather I am sexy or not. It's the way I feel looking at myself as a woman and feeling delicately pretty in my sensuality and powerful because of it. I'm not a possession of my husband's, and not someone my father owns to give away. I came into this world whole despite what religion and other people have been trying to get me to think about myself. I have no intention to change anyone's mind about what they should do or how they should present themselves. My advice stays the same... Just do you Boo! I don't care if you feel beautiful in your delicate modesty or dropping it low in a g string like a wild woman. A delicate woman in her modesty is a feminine superpower. She is a hidden predator but I assure you she's dazzling and trapping prey. A woman who wears her sexuality on her sleeve is a warrior with her feminine superpower. Just riding in sexy as hell hypnotizing prey and cutting off crowds of heads that turn and then collecting them. It's all a matter of strategy in how we work our womanly wilds and resonate in our sexual energy. Both are still women with a superpower. All superpowers come with great responsibility and a weakness that would try to make us victims of men due to our magnetism. Women are beautiful and it's always gonna be dangerous to be beautiful. I'm grateful that I live in a place in the world that it's uncommon that my family would sell me into sex trafficking for food or circumcise me to tame my sexuality for a future husband. A place where I am not completely safe but that I have the right to choose who I marry, what I can wear safely and an opportunity for educating myself as well as any man. Not all of us are so lucky. there are still women out there fighting to be treated equally. I intend to exercise every right I have and live as I choose loud and free of any oppression that someone thinks and feels would be better for me because I'm a woman. 

Finding Self Compassion

There are times in all of our life's that we felt down and out and empty. I'm sure if you think hard enough you could pinpoint the very moments that shut off your confidence and made you feel small and insignificant inside that you still have not recovered from. I challenge you today to dig deep and find a moment. See yourself there and break down what happened that day and how you felt in detail. Write it down if you have the time. Now ask yourself in what way did you help yourself or was it beneficial by subcombering to defeat and feeling helpless? I'm sure there was a good and understandable reason why. We may have been to young to fight back, we may have been to weak or just had no knowledge of how to help ourselves. If someone threw a rock at you and hit you in the head and you fell down in pain the most irrational thing you could do is pick the rock up and hit yourself in the head with it to hurt yourself. Unfortunately that's what we do. Bad things happen to us and not only do we convince ourselves that we are worthless, we punish ourselves for being this percieved worthless. Most of us wouldn't go kick a stranger if we saw them crying but we do it to ourselves all the time. Just deciding to love ourselves isn't how it works. No amount of Instagram and facebook quotes are going to change us into better versions of ourselves. It takes work and commitment and is an everyday battle you have to keep on fighting through. You may not be able to just wake up feeling on top of the world but you can start small and build with practicing self compassion. 

Self compassion is a great way to start because it's just simply treating yourself the way you believe others should be treated. 

You would think that would come natural to us but for most of us it doesn't. Alot of us start the self defeating talk in our head when we make mistakes or someone hurts us. We tell ourselves we are stupid for being so naive or that we can't do anything right. If we saw someone saying that to one of our friends we would jump to defend them. So why is it we believe it's okay to be so mean and evil to ourselves? Well the easy answer is because other's have been mean and evil to us and it's learned behavior.... But still it makes more sense to be on your own side and be your own kind stranger even if you aren't ready to be your own friend. 

  For me I had dissociate myself from myself to teach myself self compassion. I would write down in my journal whatever had happened to myself like it had happened to a friend; or I would imagine that I saw it on the news happening to a stranger. For a long time it was the only way I could keep myself from beating myself down and always blaming myself for everything. Within time it became natural for me to be compassionate to myself and it made me compassionate even to people that had wronged or hurt me . That's important because not blaming yourself doesn't mean blaming others. The truth is we are all battling something and most people don't have malicious intent to hurt us they are usually just acting out from the battles with themselves. Many of us have a bad habit of believing that everyone is out to get us and hurt us. We have been hurt and have developed a victim mentality and now we can't trust no body and fear everything so much that we limit our experience and existence. In reality that believe is just as narcissistic as being conceited. I remember telling my therapist when I was 19 that I was scared to go to college because I was afraid of people looking at me and judging me for not going to a University because I got pregnant. She said to me "Antoinette most people are much too self absorbed in their own insecurities and fears to even notice yours." There is no proverbial spotlight on us with a crowd waiting and watching for us to fuck everything up because everyone in the crowd is having the same spotlight nightmare that you are having. 

  No one is confident all the time because life goes up and down and is constantly throwing challenges. We all feel good on good days when everything seems right in the world. It's how we behave and take care of ourselves when everything feels wrong. When it gets bad the best thing you can do is care enough about yourself not to make matters worst by talking down to yourself. No matter how bad things get or how bad you feel I can promise you that it will not last. Be kind to yourself or name your bad day alter ego or talk to yourself in 3rd person like I do and be like "She ain't feeling good today, I gotta do something for my girl to get her back on track.

How did you get so confident?

When your a fat girl, a minority, an introvert, a strange individual who's only 5,2 in your 3rd marriage? I didn't even get my driver's license until I was 22 years old. I've been rejected far more than I've been accepted in my life. I've dated men in the past that have dragged me through the mud. One only married me for citizenship and most of the others I was just a pretty exotic object to wear on their arm and brag about to their friends. 

   I spent most of my life feeling absolutely worthless and wanting to die. Adding fuel to the fire I felt I was defective after being diagnosed with bipolar 2 disorder. For a very long time my only source of happiness was my first born son. The marriage was a farce but the arrival of my oldest son gave me a reason to live. I can share these things about myself with anyone because I have not the slightest bit of shame in where I come from and what I've gone through. I'm not easily affected by what people say about me behind my back because no one has judged me worst than I have. I am the type of person that when first meeting you I will start with my worst stories so you can reject me now so I don't have to waste time with you later. 

My confidence started with exposing myself and waiting for the arrows to fly.

   I believed myself to be unlovable after my first marriage. I felt completely ruined. I was a single mother with no car no job hitching rides to school. I believed that no man would want me with a child that wasn't his and a stretched out fupa belly that would never go away no matter how much weight I lost. I figured fine that's the way it is I might as well get used to it. I would go on dates just for good food because at that time I was limited in what I could cook and only owned 1pot 1pan and 3 bowls. I would wip out photos of my son right away on dates to deter men from getting interest in me. Alot of them ran for the hills but to my surprise most of them stayed. I didn't trust them still of course so I would then pull out the big guns and slam my celibacy card on the table. Like BAM! You ain't getting none of this player! Alot of them ran while I contently waved goodbye ..... but still some of them stayed. I was like that the hell why are you still here? I dated a little bit until I successfully ran them off and then met my second husband. My second husband was a very good and nice man from a wonderful family that accepted me whole heartedly. I still miss his family because they made me feel like I was a part of something. They gave me a graduation party after I graduated from college. It was the very first party I had ever had for just myself and they bought me my very first car. I cried for weeks in gratitude. I'm crying now just thinking about it because still to this day no one else has ever been as good to me as those people. Other than the family I have made for myself today I still feel like they are the only family that I had that actually wanted me and liked me. Unfortunately my exhusband and I were not in real love. There was no passion or chemistry there that I had hoped would grow eventually. I married him as payment for how wonderful his family was to me because I had nothing else to give to show gratitude. I ruined it hunting for passion and I felt wildly inadequate of their love the entire time because of my own self hatred. I dated alot after that and drowned my sorrows in bottles of wine in my nice apartment a single mother once more.

   I've seen alot, I've suffered alot more... I meet my current husband and we went through alot as well. We didn't get to where we are today easily. We broke up for 2 years after he cheated on me. The load of everything throughout the years broke me down. It was what I needed though because I rose from the ashes like a phoenix and have been flying high and free ever since.

    I spent sometime away in a recovery center and got back in therapy and started taking a hard look at myself. It was hard to try and date again but I tried and I approached it the same way I did in the past... with the candid truth of who I was but not with the self hatred attached to it like before. I did it with pride and dignity baring my battle scars. I declared right away that I was a mother with 2 sons, a fat girl approaching a divorce. I let them know my strange hobbies and nerdy ways. I didn't expect not one message back but it was fine if no one wanted me because I was finally accepting myself. To my surprise.... the line of suitors was out the door and around the corner. It was flattering but I have learned not to apply someone else's feelings to my emotional self esteem rather it be positive or negative attention because people will change their minds and are reckless with their heart. 

   I found my confidence by just accepting myself as I am and receiving only those that accept me as I am. If you don't want to love me don't love me. I dont want anyone to do what they dont want or have passion to do. It's okay if I'm too fat for someone , to black for others. When you stop worrying about what you aren't there is only room for what you are. I'm confident with my body and life flaws. I'm only interest in those that are comfortable with it too; so I always feel beautiful because I don't allow people in my world that dont value me and I don't go trying to be apart of theirs either. Whatever you are just be that. There are billions of people in the world so no matter what you think is wrong with you someone out there will see the beauty in it but it's not about anyone else it's about you. Look at yourself so long and hard until that flaw starts looking cute. Surround yourself with those that see you as beautiful and before you know it... you will see it to.

Your Best Self is Your True Self

• From the perspective of lookers from the outside of my world I'm sure it would appear that I changed. For a while I had believed the same.... but the heart always remembers the true self. Most kids are completely happy as they are until our natural disposition is rejected and then we spend the rest of our lifes trying to be accepted. We teach ourselves to get used to being uncomfortable and pretending so that we don't disappoint or hurt anyone. That's irrational because pain is just an inevitable truth and so is disappointment. It's rare that anyone's indepent choices doesn't come with someone else's disappointment. If you live to please you will never be able to please everyone! Trying to do so is like being on a choke chain trying to keep smiling so you don't upset anyone while they pull you to and fro. All the while the life is draining from our faces from our own self induced suffocation. I haven't changed.... I'm just finally breathing.  

   I have revived my true myself not changed into another. She was under pressure from all the things I piled on top of her and tried to force her to be from other people's point of view of what is good.

  Of course people would think who they remember me to be as good or even a better person than I am today! It was more beneficial to them and others that I was constantly sacrificing myself for their happiness. I was so afraid of being alone for being myself that I hadn't noticed that I had people around me already that only wanted the original me and saw me behind the facade the whole time. People will want you and value you for the way you look, and for what you can do for them; but the only love that is true in value is those who love you unconditionally as you are with no benefit other than the beauty of your company. 

     Ask yourself this: 

If I didn't have a great body,pretty face, money, the right connections with the right people will everyone who's around me now stay close to me? 

If I didn't share everything I accomplish with these people, if I wasn't constantly motivating their self esteem and helping would they still see me as valuable? 

If I stopped doing everything I do to be loved and accepted.... would I still be loved and accepted? 

If you can't answer these questions with a confident yes than it's a very sad no. Valuable love doesn't need you to do anything extra . I feel for the generations that grew up and are growing up in social media culture because it's only making the obstacles course people jump though to be accepted and loved more challenging and damaging to our true selves. There's so many different points of views. There's people posting themselves with new boobs, butts and nose jobs talking fitness and perfection. Then theirs others who believe themselves to be "purists " because they never wear make up or dress modestly and don't believe in vanity culture as a whole. There's the vegans verses meat eaters which are my favorite debates to watch. All in all the only point of view that truly matters in your life is your own. Who you actually are will attract your own real tribe that will love you just for being you. The problem starts when we want to be accepted by people that aren't interested in who or what we are and we try to conform for their love and attention. You will always attract what you are showing up pretending to be. I think it's God's way of showing us to ourselves. Most of my life I have attracted people that weren't really invested in me because I wasn't invested in my true self either. I was invested in my facade because I didn't believe I could be loved for just being me. I even went by another name for many years. There are still people that don't know my name is not Freya! It was a costuming name that turned into a persona and a heavy burden on real Antoinette Lavoisier. Everyone wants to change and everyone will change through life experience but I believe that who we really are is who we already are and was always meant to be. The trick is to stay that person even when the world demands something else and if we should lose ourselves love ourselves enough to go back and look for who we truly are.

Finding Hope when you want to give up

The last couple of weeks have been stressful and my anxiety kicked into overdrive due to the migraines and the inability to sleep well. When I can't sleep I pretty much drag myself along because life doesn't stop just because I might not feel like adulting for the day. It's not possible for any of us to be on 100% all the time. Sometimes we are just tired. Work gets monotonous, we get sick, bad things happen sometimes, annoying things happen more often and the alarm clock goes off and you just want to lay there.... but you gotta dust yourself off and try again and again.... This is how I scrape myself up and continue to show up regardless of the obstacles and stay determined to reach my goals. 

     I have never given my migraines the attention they deserve in the direction of getting help for them because there is no cure for migraines and still to this day scientists are still puzzled by them. Most people I know don't even know they are a problem in my life because I never talk about it. I didn't see the point of complaining about it to anyone when no one could help me. When I am experiencing an episode I just separate myself from people quietly to go deal with the pain. When you are in that kind of pain the last thing you want to make time for is people's opinions and ideas of what you should do; as if I haven't done everything I could to stop pain so terrible you can hardly open your eyes or touch your own face and can last for days at a time. I have been suffering in silence for too long. My husband would see me in pain but I never even discussed it with him until a week ago and we have been together for over a decade. I had decided that it was just a part of my life and their was nothing I could do and talking about it felt like I was giving it power so I pushed it into shadows and I delt with it when I had to return to the shadows with it. This is exactly how not to deal with your obstacles. 

    My husband knew I had migraines but I was very vague about it so in his mind he though it was just headache. To those of you that do not experience migraines it is far more than just a headache. The pain is so bad that I can't do anything when they come. It completely stops me in whatever I'm doing and puts my life on hold for however long they last. I can't eat, I cant sleep, I can't stand the light of the sun or even a dim light from a lamp. I just ball up with my arms folded around my head in a dark room. Not really talking about your struggles traps you in a world alone with them with no light of hope. I don't like needing help for anything. I'm a nerd so when I have a problem I find my own help through extensive research and fix it myself. Help is less about what someone can do for you and more about the support of just being properly understood. Just being understood gave me a sense of emotional relief. My husband is a Mr. Fixit so when I told him he got on the ball to find me some kind of relief. I'm taking CBD oil for it now that doesn't stop it but makes it easier for me to cope with through the pain. I've done more research and have changed my eating habits to pin point triggers to find out how to prevent them or at least make them more manageable. In a few weeks I will get my daith pierced in both ears(thick middle cartilage) It's a pressure point that has helped many people with migraines have them less frequently, less severe and in some cases stopped them all together. 

   You aren't going to feel good all the time and rather it is physically difficult or emotional ignoring what's wrong is not going to get us ahead. The longer we go without proper nourishment through our hardships the harder they become. If they get too difficult for us it can land us in dangerous territory and once we lose hope we won't even care how our life breaks down around us. 

    When it gets hard to stay motivated we must have self compassion for ourselves enough to tell someone we trust even if it seems like they can't help, their hope for us can be enough to cause a spark of hope in ourselves. If it wasn't for my husband's hope I wouldn't have even looked for anymore solutions because I was emotionally exhausted to even try anymore. If you are feeling down know when to rest and after you have rested even if you dont believe find your spark of hope. Those that look will find it. It is never an option to give up on yourself. 

You're Too Sensitive

You're too sensitive. I've been told that my whole life. So much so that it used to tear me down and melt me into a puddle of shame for being so. I started faking it by saying the meanest things I could think of to both defend myself and show my strength. I did that for so long that it convinced people that it was my true character and I was happy with the results because it kept people from hurting me. The problem with faking your true character is you have to keep it up. It meant constantly holding back tears when I needed to cry. It meant throwing all of my emotions into anger to express myself in a way that wouldn't make me look weak. I've always know how to cross far over the line into the "never say that territory" and with flat harsh truth that cannot be evaded to defend myself. I'm proud to say I'm not that person anymore. I'm not defending a pretend hard shell I refuse to ever wear again and I don't desire to hurt people intentionally in a way that will scar them forever even if they try and hurt me. For those of you who is the "sensitive person " in your family and see it as a weakness you have missed it's super powers. I still cry every time I see Disney's Moana with my ole sensitive butt; even though I'm a 36 year old woman because I know the struggle of Te Fiti. I have found that embracing my sensitivity has vastly increased the way I experience happiness and pleasure of all kinds.... yea that one too!😉 Suppressing our true feelings causes blockages in our energy. When our energy is blocked experiences of joy and happiness that could prevent us from depression and anxiety fall flat like a weak orgasm. I used to see people happy over what I perceived was little stuff and think to myself damn their easily excited like a kid. Deep inside though I admit I was jealous and wanted to be excited too. I was too backed up with my own feelings I was hiding from myself and others. Overtime it will cause you to feel jaded and bitter. A sunny day is just heat , flowers are just allergy inducing weeds and sex is just a race to a climax like a sneeze from your crotch. Sensitivity is not a negative thing at all if you let that energy flow. The more you just simply acknowledge and experience what you feel the more feeling you get in your feelings and the faster you flush out negative feelings. I was such a control freak I even suppressed my positive feelings sometimes for fear of embarrassment. I really used to care too much about what other people think I cringe at the thought of it now. Don't deny your pain, sadness or melancholy. They are as natural as a smile. Allow your feeling to flow in and respect them as legitimate parts of you and surround yourself with people that will acknowledge, respect and care about them too. One of the problems I had is I was always surrounded with people that would gaslight me into believing my feelings weren't valid to the point that I was suppressing myself for others and compromising the way I experience my whole life. Don't let anyone take your authenticity from you regardless of how they perceive it you are the one who has to live your life. Live big and loud.

       

The Power in Pain

I didn't know I would be away so long it's good to be back! I had what I thought was a common cold and thought I was invincible hot stuff; so I would be just fine partying it up at Pride. Well I was dead wrong yall! Last week was a rough one for me because I was sick! The body aches, fever and the worst my migraines. Every time I'm sick it really screws with my head emotionally more than the physical issues. It reminds me that I'm in an aging body that's slowly dying everyday. It makes me think back to days when I felt stronger and could recover from a bug in 3 days tops! I think about the things I've been able to push my body though regardless of how I felt physically. I have a very high tolerance for pain mostly due to really hating taking any kind of medication dispite the fact that I've had on going migraines throughout my life. They stopped for a while like almost a year and the last 3 months they are back. Sometimes the pain is so bad it feels like I freeze in time in the dark and there is only me and the pain. It has no face but still it's such a thick and sophisticated presence. It seems like it worsens if I try and avoid it so I've learned to accept it. I shut my eyes and go walking in the dark to the sound of my own pulse. The strangest thing is after awhile if I can focus I don't feel anything anymore. Long before anyone had ever mentioned meditation to me I had taught myself to do it to cope with pain. I hate my migraines but I thank them for the lessons. They have taught me how to face pain on the high levels. When you have to go set with pain for days at a time to even function and you finally get released you see the world differently than before each time. Before the pain took me I was worried about money, I was irritated by silly trivial things of the past, I was generally wrapped up in my constant need to be working and solving my every problem possible every second of the day! Pain sets in and everything else you though was painful or you thought that really matters just doesn't matter at all anymore. I think that's what pain is really for. It's here to make us see what we would have never seen had we not spent some time in the dark. 

     There was a time when ever I faced pain I I would fight it with everything in me in an effort to be strong. My migraines would come and I would throw things and get angry and act really crazy and embarrassed myself. The pain would eventually stop and I would look up to find that I had made a mess of my life. Broken things would be thrown about and some things I would have to fix but many things irreparably damaged. I would sit there looking like a fool and feeling sorry for myself. These are embarrassing things to even share with you all but I think it needs to be said. Lots of people won't say what needs to be said even though we are all going through the same thing in different ways at the end of the day it all boils down to how you process your pain. We all experience pain and it's a challenge to us all. Instinctively we try to fight it or run from it. What it takes to win the battle is bravery to stand there with it, recognize it, and analyze it until it loses power. You can choose not to give your power away or make a mess of your life due to an inability to accept that pain is a necessary reality to grow us into who we really want to be or harden us to self destruction. Pain isn't the enemy I used to believe it was. I see now it can be used as a tool to stay villigiant of my blessings and get the most out of my life with the people I love while I have them.

   

My Husband and I

I'm messy with my love like a mad child in paint. I throw myself in deep in hope of an exciting adventure. It's because I'm an emotional thrill seeker which is the definition of the scorpio zodiac. Both my husband and I are scorpio Sun signs and Sagittarius rising so I can't imagine I could be more compatible with anyone else. We give each other so much we are in constant intoxication with each other. You know what I'm talking about...... It's the stuff that is the air around you when you have a special moment and I don't mean sex I mean something spiritually connected. A moment like sitting outside all day listening to my radio with you talking about life, making inside jokes no one else would even understand and after almost 11 years you still make me laugh hard enough to cry almost daily with your beautiful silliness. It's the moment you lock eyes with someone and know what they know and feel what they feel without words. It's the signal you give me through touch that all is right in the world if you should feel me doubt it for a second. You always feel the moment when love grows because right before you sleep you smile about it and with that smile the memory is saved in your heart's replay list forever.
I love my husband more than my heart ever knew was possible and for a long while it scared the hell out of me. I only knew the love of fairytales and had no real examples of how to allow someone to love me or how to properly love them back. I used to be the kind of woman you couldn't hold too long because I wasn't accustomed to affection. I had been hard all my life but it wasn't until I allowed myself to be soft that I found my strength.
When my husband and I first met he was instantly dazzled by me and knew right away he wanted me for the long ride. No that's not my big head confidence 🤣 it's his words not mine! He is a very gentle affectionate person with me that comes from a traditional family with parents who love each other.
I come from 2 teenage parents who were 15/16 when I was born that never married who were both emotionally and physically abused by their families severely. I don't even know my biological father that well and what I do know isn't very good. My Mom is a solid ice queen wall of a woman who is really good at being a workaholic blocking everything out to cope. I wasn't show much affection growing up from anyone but my grandparents one of which I didn't see that much. So basically I grew out of a stone wall. I used to absolutely hate for anyone to touch me and for many years of my life I could only cry if I was really angry. So when it came to love I learned about that stuff from Disney movies and watching TGIF in the 90s. In my family the value is placed on strength and strength alone. This is true among alot of African American families which has created the stereotype of the angry black woman in our culture. I'm not ashamed to say that for many year I was the poster child for the stereotype. If I was interested in a man the more I liked him the meaner I was to him because feeling fond of someone felt like weakness to me. When you want someone you can't control it. You think of them all the time and get in front of them and are too afraid to speak. I was like what the hell is this! I ain't got time for this fluttery heart palpitations sweating and nervousness over someone's stupid face! The more I loved him the more afraid I became and the smaller I got. I would shrink away and fold up when he touched me out of fear of losing myself control. Love is funny in the way that it only feels good when you give up control and allow it to flow naturally. Giving your heart always requires the sacrifice of releasing control.
How do you allow someone to love you and how do you love them back when you were build tough for survival and have no love skills?
For me the first thing I had to do was accept that he loves me. That sounds easy but it wasn't for me because I was always wondering and asking him why he did because I didn't get it! When you don't love yourself you think people are weirdo for loving you. When I first fell in love with him I loved him for loving me especially since I saw myself as a mess and unworthy of love.
The second thing after accepting his love I wanted to prove that I could be worthy by giving him love back even though I didn't know how I pushed myself. When he would touch me I felt nervous but I stopped pulling away. I made a promise to myself not to use abusive language with him and to try and give something back to him everytime he showed me affection. I was the worst about affection so I just did what ever he did for me until I learned my own love language. I didn't realize the burden I was carrying trying to be strong all the time and in time I made him my sanctuary. I don't even try to be strong with my husband anymore I'ma big ole spoiled princess now and I just roll in the love like a cat getting a belly rub. I have learned that in order to really experience love you have to drop the wall completely down. I allow him to love me, protect me and comfort me instead of running away like I used to do . I've found that love requires a daily commitment of choosing your person everyday. Not all of us were taught how to love but the awesome thing is you can create your own love style along the way out of practice and commitment. If you are one of those women like me who have struggled with not getting the love you want in life or have not been able to drop your sword in love I challenge you to write down what you would like your love to be like . If you have a partner do this together and make a commitment to give each other more of what each other need. If you are single this is a good way to manifest the kind of love you are looking for and help you set a standard for the love you find in the future. Most of all never give up on love. You are worthy of love and there is someone out there for you that will love you the way you want. Get ready in advance to develop your love language to give that love back when it comes.

Change your mind... Change your life

My life has changed so much I hardly recognize it and I'm often surprised by the changes of myself because of it. I have become the happy hermit in the little house in the Texas hills. My husband and sons are my clique and these winding roads through the hills filled with lakes, springs and waterfalls have become my stage. I don't hang out with alot of people and I personally communicate with only 3 other's outside of my home. It's so crazy to me that I have never felt more alive and more loved than I do now living a much simpler uncomplicated life. When I first moved here the quietness was disturbing and caused anxiety because I was hearing my own thoughts too loud and feeling my own feelings to much with no distractions to escape. I understand now that it was exactly what I needed to really get to know myself and figure out what I really wanted to do with my life. In the past I thought I was being me and I was even an arrogant know it all 🐝itch about it. I was overly demanding, too opinionated and throwing my weight around out of fear. Fear of being rejected the way I have been so many times before and fear of never knowing real and true love. I didn't know that was my problem at the time so I did all the wrong things. I ran away from the pain I felt and surrounded myself with as many people as I could and then I would exhaust myself trying to please them all so they would love me. What I got was used and loved for what I could do but not for who I was. It piled up years and years of unresolved conflicts inside me and what makes it even sadder is I wouldn't even allow myself to acknowledge it. The young girl inside me from my 20s had something to say and she brought other ages and phases of my life with her and they made me listen rather I wanted to hear it or not.
                Are you tired yet? Because I am.
I'm tired of giving myself and coming up short feeling lonely in the world.
I'm tired of being misunderstood by those that I accumulate wounds from with my efforts to understand them.
I'm tired of watching other people's dreams come true while I watch sadly from the side lines.
I'm tired of being so caught up in the world around me with no private world of my own.
I'm tired of people expecting and assuming that I owe so much of myself to them even when I have nothing of my own.
I'm tired of waiting for a special kind of love from someone like a fairy tale romance or sacred friendship when I have not loved myself or been my own friend.

It was painful to finally acknowledge but I had taken the first step to listen to myself and after I did I think I may have cried every morning as soon as I woke up for weeks. I had been living a life I hated for years giving all of myself away and no amount of parties, fancy clothing and fake friendships added up to anything. I think people think in order to change our life we need a therapist or life coach which I did have most of the time I have been miserable! Don't misunderstand me therapy is great but it only works when you are deeply honest with yourself and some of us can't do that let alone be transparent with a stranger. The big bang of change starts with acknowledging what's the most true about yourself and the way you feel that you are desperately trying to avoid. The next step after you realize the problem is to go back through it and rewrite your narrative taking out all the victim mentality because if you don't your truth will sometimes bury you in depression. For example your truth can be the acknowledgment that your significant other doesn't love you the way you need to be loved, but during your spill of uncovering your truth you were unnecessarily hard on yourself and thinks no one loves you. Not everything you think about yourself is actually true both good and especially bad things. When I have trouble with the distinction I just go with flat logic.When you know your truth you can change the way you think about it, change the way you feel about it and ultimately change your life.