It's been weeks with my family together and there hasn't been even the slightest bit of tension or argument. I didn't even think that was possible for my kids. I've had the time to cook and bake new recipes so it kinda feels like Thanksgiving break everyday. I am focused only on keeping my family smiling and happy so I'm wipping out all the skills I have to make that possible; even if it means we might not fit through the door when we finally get the greenlight to go back to normal life.
Somedays my husband and I just spend the day falling asleep in front of the Netflix and other days we will spend the whole day listening to music or go for a walk in the woods. I've made the Dalgona coffee in decaf (can't have caffeine) which is amazing but no quarantinis for me that everyone is mixing up right now. I no longer drink at all..... No self righteous bullshit about it either. I wish I was lit most days like the rest of y'all but since I refuse to be on medication managing my health requires taking all other precautions seriously. It sucks too because no one should have to be sober through this situation everyday... but here I am regretfully coherent and alert.
I've started to avoid watching the news and I just read about it instead because I can't stand to see the worry and fear in the faces. My husband handles all the shopping because I'm really not interested at all in being around other people for more than just the coronavirus. The energy is so thick and uncomfortable out there I can't stand it.
I wasn't going to post anything. I haven't been feeling up to it really and because I feel like who am I to tell anyone how to feel right now . People are too consumed with worry for themselves to even care what's going on with me. However... I'm writing anyway for myself and maybe someone who is feeling what I'm feeling to not to feel alone.
I'm so frustrated my people pleasing addiction is craving to find someone to save. I hate not being able to do more to help. There are families out there running out of money and rent and utilities are still due. There are people who have worked hard to build businesses for themselves that have no clue as to how and if they will recover. The whole world is in a state of panic and none of us know what will happen next...
I know it's a phase that will pass just as everything else does. What I fear most is the aftermath because the hardest thing to accept is that many of us will likely lose someone we know and even worst the possibility of losing someone we love.
This time on pause has really given me introspection about all the difficult things that have happened to me in the last 2 years of my life. I see now it all was ultimately preparing me for this moment.
I've been living a pretty isolated lifestyle for a while now and it's provided the clarity and happy peace I've always wanted away from empty moments. My only connections beyond my front door is my Mom and my bestfriend. I still got love and hopeful wishes for everyone else out there; but I've become honest with myself about my need for deeper connections instead of just settling for whoever will have me while their instrested. I can't be happy with surface material and people wondering vacantly in and out of my life never building solid foundations and never establishing bonds I can trust.
Since I have learned to love myself I have made the needs of my heart a priority. I won't live forever and before I die I want to have known and had what's really important to me. Through that action I have learned to see worth in myself and I have finally realized that God blessed me with smarts and resourcefulness. I've always had everything I needed to sustain and support myself I just never saw it because I was always distracted. If I had not made those changes to my life I know I would be stupid frantic in this pandemic right now. I would have wanted to run home the way I used to and go hunting down the familiar eventual let down. I have been blessed with the tools I needed to get used to being alone and strengthened by my hardships to be sufficient under pressure in order to thrive. Health is the new wealth now and luxury is the ability to wipe your own ass without getting it on your hand. Boredom has never killed anyone and there are worst places to be confined to than home.
If like me you find yourself worried and overwhelmed with stress of the unknown every few days sit with people and talk about all the times you have won when you didn't think you would. All the times you should have been dead but yet you are still here and remind yourself of your struggles so you can remember your strength. Keep your head high and have faith because we are gonna win this this thing too.
I'm so frustrated my people pleasing addiction is craving to find someone to save. I hate not being able to do more to help. There are families out there running out of money and rent and utilities are still due. There are people who have worked hard to build businesses for themselves that have no clue as to how and if they will recover. The whole world is in a state of panic and none of us know what will happen next...
I know it's a phase that will pass just as everything else does. What I fear most is the aftermath because the hardest thing to accept is that many of us will likely lose someone we know and even worst the possibility of losing someone we love.
This time on pause has really given me introspection about all the difficult things that have happened to me in the last 2 years of my life. I see now it all was ultimately preparing me for this moment.
I've been living a pretty isolated lifestyle for a while now and it's provided the clarity and happy peace I've always wanted away from empty moments. My only connections beyond my front door is my Mom and my bestfriend. I still got love and hopeful wishes for everyone else out there; but I've become honest with myself about my need for deeper connections instead of just settling for whoever will have me while their instrested. I can't be happy with surface material and people wondering vacantly in and out of my life never building solid foundations and never establishing bonds I can trust.
Since I have learned to love myself I have made the needs of my heart a priority. I won't live forever and before I die I want to have known and had what's really important to me. Through that action I have learned to see worth in myself and I have finally realized that God blessed me with smarts and resourcefulness. I've always had everything I needed to sustain and support myself I just never saw it because I was always distracted. If I had not made those changes to my life I know I would be stupid frantic in this pandemic right now. I would have wanted to run home the way I used to and go hunting down the familiar eventual let down. I have been blessed with the tools I needed to get used to being alone and strengthened by my hardships to be sufficient under pressure in order to thrive. Health is the new wealth now and luxury is the ability to wipe your own ass without getting it on your hand. Boredom has never killed anyone and there are worst places to be confined to than home.
If like me you find yourself worried and overwhelmed with stress of the unknown every few days sit with people and talk about all the times you have won when you didn't think you would. All the times you should have been dead but yet you are still here and remind yourself of your struggles so you can remember your strength. Keep your head high and have faith because we are gonna win this this thing too.
