My Grandmother was diagnosed with dementia some months ago. When I first heard my initial reaction was to get to her as soon as possible before I was forgotten. But then I began to consider what it would be like to forget. I imagine it would make life easier and bring back hope even if it's just a little while. If I could forget I would never have another intrusive thought or painful memory. It would bring back my innocence and trusting nature. I could look at every experience with brand new eyes and no fear .
Life is hard for all of us and for those of us that have escaped a difficult and painful existence in our past it's our memories that haunt us with reminders.
My grandmother grew up a middle child who was over looked and neglected by an emotionally unavailable and abusive mother and a busy working father. She grew up very poor in a time when being black and a woman was far more difficult than it is now. She tried to find love but ended up a single mother of 8 children from assorted fathers. When love didn't work she put herself through school and money and stability became her driving force and only aim. She's known as a stern and strong woman. If you don't know her you would think she feels nothing; but if you paid even the slightest attention or stood too close for too long before she pushed you away you would feel the pain radiating off of her. Sometimes she would get these far away looks like men with PTSD would get after war. I would ask her what's wrong Granny and she would say, "I'm just tired Pooh." As a child I though she meant she was sleepy, but now as an adult with my own PTSD I understand better now...... Because of my Grandmother's life experiences she has many prejudices. She's not okay with homosexuality , any one who isn't Christian or white people. Then I grew up and became bisexual, I'm not a Christian, and with my second white husband. It's an understatement to say that I'm a big disappointment. The last time I saw her she hurt me and my family pretty badly due to her racial prejudice. But I took the slap meekly and hugged her before I left like it didn't even happen. That was 2 and a half years ago and I haven't been back since. I stay away because it isn't fair to my personal family to be somewhere where people don't mind being harmful to them. Plus their is nothing I'm more tired of than being hurt and rejected intentionally because of who I love. It gets hard for me to hide what's really said about us and I never wanted my children to know and feel inadequate with family the way I always have. As they have grown older the truth about my family has started affecting them now and the only way to protect us is to just stay away. Dispite all that has happened I want my Granny to leave this world in peace . I miss her now and I will miss her after she is gone. The though of her forgetting me now seems more like a solution than a problem. I would rather her forget who I am because then it would be like it never happened at all. Her memories of me would go out with both the pain she has caused to eliminate her feeling guilt and fix the pain others caused her that has held her prisoner her whole life. I will of course still remember but since she is the beginning of my mother she is my earlier start. With her end is both my mother's and my own new beginning. I choose to let go of what she will forget as well because I know she would have been better if it had not been for all she's been trying to forget for so long. Trauma poisons and curses families. It makes it difficult to trust and difficult to love those we truly love the most. I don't want to be a victim of my pain the way my mother and grandmother has been. I choose to understand who they are and how they got that way... even if the way they are doesn't work for me and I have to keep a distance for peace and to keep from getting hurt. I don't need to be remembered by anyone expecially if it brings more comfort to be forgotten. I'm willing to sacrifice being known for the possibility that in her last days somehow she feels joy and good memories again. I will choose to only remember her light. She's the reason I grew up to be so strong and ambitious. She's the reason I make great margaritas and know how to style a hat with an outfit. Growing up I thought my Granny was super woman and I will now and forever always be proud to be her grand daughter even when she forgets me I will always know I am because of her.
