I have been away because I received a promotion and I have been busy at work.
When I do have extra time available I'm kayaking with my family since finally it's gotten a bit cooler in the Texas hill country. I'm extremely happy and greatful for my life these days so no need for yall to worry. I am doing better than fine . I have contemplated returning many times to do a new photo shoot and tell a new story. However, I'm realizing that I'm at that part in a painting when you want to add more details, but the more you look at what you have created you have to accept that the masterpiece is truly complete. I've grown into the person I always imagined and wanted to be as a child. I learned to see myself as beautiful, I found my definition of success, and have validated myself as worthy of all great blessings God intends for me. Along the way in the journey the closer I got to those goals the more I realized that I required less and less to be happy in my life.
At the beginning of my platform I was very materialist and superficially dense because I needed it to feel good about myself. I don't need that anymore. I would dress up to feel important because I didn't feel important. I was chasing perfection to feel more put together thinking that it would inspire me to get myself together; and you know crazy enough that did work! However, the more possessions I accumulated and the more beautiful and put together I became the more uncomfortable I began to feel inside but I had not yet figured out that I had taken those beliefs of others into myself.
My entire life people have treated me like being pretty is my only worth and the only thing I'm supposed to be doing is sitting around being cute. It's not awesome to have people see you that way but I have learned not to see myself that way, and how to use that perception of how people see me to my advantage. If I'm not seen as smart or capable people with bad intentions ALWAYS jump on the opportunity to belittle me, manipulate me or dismiss me. I judge people based on what they do when they don't see me as worthy.
I am a Quality Assurance Analyst for everyone who keeps asking me what is it that I do and thinks I have a secret only fans 🤣. How stupid would it be not to connect an only fans to my platform if i had one yall! I am a very candid and open person I would have told you regardless of what you would think ... But honestly I never tell everything about myself because I absolutely love my privacy which is why fame is not for me. I just never tell people about my job because I didn't think it was important to the relationship I have with people. And besides...If you tell people everything about you it will interfere with seeing the narrative they construct about you. That is far more instresting than trying to manipulate them into seeing you a certain way so that they will like you. Here's a tip. Don't seek to be liked , seek those who are captivated with understanding why you are you.
But anyway....
I love my new position but it's a lot of tedious work that loads my mind and makes me really tired after work. I'm still creating things and still taking photos with my family but I do not wish to share most of those experiences with the world anymore because I am no longer seeking to find myself or others. I create for myself now and live my experiences omnipresently. I just simply don't want to miss anymore of my life ,expecially since I've lost so much already being distracted.
I don't intend to delete my account because for me it's one of my greatest works. I found myself screaming out of an open window to the world via social media. 😏 You all came and you listened to me , interacted with and became a family when I thought I was alone out here. It's because of all of you that dispite the evil and hardships I've endured I still believe that there is a lot of good in the world and I didn't become cold and stop believe in love, friendship and unity.
There is a chance that I will post in the future if I feel compelled to do so because I still get an urge sometimes but I'm just too tired to do it most of the time. But for right now I have a new journey to embark on. I've learned that we can't move forward into the light of blessings we always dreamed of if we don't know how to let go of the old chapters when the story has ended. I've reached a new beginning and I'm not who I used to be anymore. I need peace now to enjoy my life without the attachments that will only hold me to a past already completed. The time has come for a new beginning.
I wish you all love of yourself and the life that you live.
Antoinette Lavoisier
