New year new me is a myth

Year 2020 is literally in 2 days..... It came so fast. Most definitely before I was ready. I can't complain really because 2019 has been a really awesome year for me. I taught myself alot of new skills and learned a ton of information about advertisement and marketing myself. I think bigger now and have learned how to conquer my fears in pursuit of my goals. I used to be a shopaholic but not anymore! I have everything I need and no available closet space; but mostly it's because I have done the deep diving into myself and finally figured out what makes me truly happy. Other than traveling and exploring new places everything else that makes me happy is free. My only real struggles this year was my inherited high blood pressure and my migraines. I put alot of time,energy and research into getting those under control and dropped all medications in exchange for ayurvedic solutions. I'm so happy it's working 🤗!

I don't do new year resolution because in my opinion it's a quick way to failure and self disappointment. To try and fail without a properly organized goal just drains us of our self esteem and willpower. You truly end up doing more harm to yourself. It's not enough to decide to change your life or behavior just because the year is new and everyone else is doing it. Most people fall off of their new years resolution before the spring even arrives. If you just have to make a new years resolution I think the only resolution that would truly make sense at changing your life is a resolution to be honest with yourself about what you truly want and constantly evaluating yourself in your pursuit to get it. Yes it is really that easy. It's our self doubt and avoidance of doing the hard work and sticking to it that's hard. Or really deep down it's just not that important to us.

My high blood pressure was not important to me mainly because of ignorance. Many people in my family have hypertension but I never thought of it as serious because my Granny made a soap opera out of it so the rest of my family made a joke out of it. She would behave like she was fragile to disappointment as if she would die if you upset her. When I was a child my cousin's and I would do drama impressions of her and our parents did too.🤣 When I was first told I was pre hypertensive years ago I just though... oh damn I got the drama disease. I didn't do research or anything which I know better that I should have because my family doesn't take anything seriously. Well turns out it's no laughing matter and I can seriously die!

During all of my migraine testing and treatment they put me on high blood pressure medicine to rule hypertension out for being the reason for my migraines. Hypertension turned out not to be the reason but I had a new problem....the high blood pressure medicine made me miserable. You could slap me in the face hard and I wouldn't have felt it. I couldn't feel anything. My body felt numb and dead. They had taken my wine from me, I had already stopped my cannabis consumption long before that and now they had taken my sex life too! It had me on the edge of depression. I was like Awwww Hell Naw! So I did what I always do and fell into research looking for a solution to get off of those meds. There was a lot of trial and error and a lot of tears but I finally found a way. It takes a whole lot more discipline and commitment going the ayurvedic way and honestly a pill is easier but I refuse to live my life in a perpetual state of numbness physically and mentally. Unfortunately for many of us life threatening circumstances or valuable losses is the only thing that motivates us to change and some people are so stubborn they will still chose death and loss over bettering themselves.

The truth is we are going to change rather we like it or not but we have a chance to chose rather we want that change to be for the good or the bad. I have seriously seen memes and quotes that say things about it being exhausting to be constantly working on yourself all the time; and I think to myself... that's so ignorant because even if you don't decide to better yourself it's still going to be work but it's going to be a worst situation. Life is going to be hard rather you want to be good at it or not and if I'm going to be struggling at it anyway it makes more since to be going in a direction I want to go instead of drifting along waiting for my next downfall that I likely self induced.

New year new me is a myth we become someone new over and over again and if we want to we can decide who and what we become. We are all forever changing until we are just dust. Start small and grow your dreams into the life you want to live. Happy New Year Everyone and Cheers to Positive growth and success. 

Hope on red wings

 There's a small tree outside my window and during the winter months a group of cardinals gather there. I would not have ever noticed if it wasn't for the pecking at my window that has awakened me a few rare times in the morning. I make a note of it in my journal everytime it happens. It's only been 3 times. Twice last year and once this year so far. All of the times it has happened I went to bed late and in my feelings with worry and confusion and woke up earlier than I expected to the knocks on my window.
The winter months tend to bring the blues out of some of us. For me it's the melancholy weather and the energy of Christmas can sometimes be overwhelming that makes me feel im in a world of my own. For the most part I am and have grone very accustomed to it. I'm grateful to have my husband and children with me but my circle used to be a lot bigger and my holidays used to be grander. I've come to understand that bigger and grander does not equal better. Lots of people gets noisy and conflict overshadows and breaks down Chrismas spirit into things you spend the rest of your life trying to forget. Being alone in a crowded room is always more uncomfortable than being alone with yourself. I used to be one of those people that sent everyone I know a Christmas card, make homemade gifts and turn my house into a Christmas wonderland. None of that stuff seem to make a difference or brought the love and closeness I longed for from my relationships with people.... Eventually I would find myself sitting on the floor trying to get old Christmas lights to work thinking of my Poppo screaming at the wrestling Chrismas special with my Step dad laughing while they drank beers. I would give some days of my life away to just be a fly on the wall back in that moment watching them interact for my entertainment. Back in the day at my Granny's house we would play spades and drink while my mom and aunt's cooked, and all the children watched Christmas movies late into the night. Those days have passed now and my husband being white causes all kinds of hurtful problems so we don't even feel welcomed there anymore. It's just us four now and we have managed to make our own traditions and build our own holiday cheer. Each time the cardinals came to me I felt down the night before just thinking about my family and things that will never be again. The cardinals cleared the heaviness from my heart and reminded me that I am loved and watched over by my Bubba and my Poppo. It won't be that easy for all of us to come out of the winter blues but for those of us that want to find hope sometimes it's in the syncronitcity around you. Maybe it's a bird at your window, waking up at 5.55 or hearing that right song at the right time. Sometimes finding hope only requires that we pay attention.