Hope on red wings

 There's a small tree outside my window and during the winter months a group of cardinals gather there. I would not have ever noticed if it wasn't for the pecking at my window that has awakened me a few rare times in the morning. I make a note of it in my journal everytime it happens. It's only been 3 times. Twice last year and once this year so far. All of the times it has happened I went to bed late and in my feelings with worry and confusion and woke up earlier than I expected to the knocks on my window.
The winter months tend to bring the blues out of some of us. For me it's the melancholy weather and the energy of Christmas can sometimes be overwhelming that makes me feel im in a world of my own. For the most part I am and have grone very accustomed to it. I'm grateful to have my husband and children with me but my circle used to be a lot bigger and my holidays used to be grander. I've come to understand that bigger and grander does not equal better. Lots of people gets noisy and conflict overshadows and breaks down Chrismas spirit into things you spend the rest of your life trying to forget. Being alone in a crowded room is always more uncomfortable than being alone with yourself. I used to be one of those people that sent everyone I know a Christmas card, make homemade gifts and turn my house into a Christmas wonderland. None of that stuff seem to make a difference or brought the love and closeness I longed for from my relationships with people.... Eventually I would find myself sitting on the floor trying to get old Christmas lights to work thinking of my Poppo screaming at the wrestling Chrismas special with my Step dad laughing while they drank beers. I would give some days of my life away to just be a fly on the wall back in that moment watching them interact for my entertainment. Back in the day at my Granny's house we would play spades and drink while my mom and aunt's cooked, and all the children watched Christmas movies late into the night. Those days have passed now and my husband being white causes all kinds of hurtful problems so we don't even feel welcomed there anymore. It's just us four now and we have managed to make our own traditions and build our own holiday cheer. Each time the cardinals came to me I felt down the night before just thinking about my family and things that will never be again. The cardinals cleared the heaviness from my heart and reminded me that I am loved and watched over by my Bubba and my Poppo. It won't be that easy for all of us to come out of the winter blues but for those of us that want to find hope sometimes it's in the syncronitcity around you. Maybe it's a bird at your window, waking up at 5.55 or hearing that right song at the right time. Sometimes finding hope only requires that we pay attention.