Yesterday was one of those ultra perfect days when everything was good and right in my world. My husband and I went for a walk at the University of Texas campus for my photo shoot, and just to hang out and see some cool shops. I found myself realizing how much I miss school. If I had not had a child so early I think I may have become a professional student and never left.
As we walked the campus we reminisced about those long forgotten college years of our life. Mostly I remember being really scared. I was scared to get out there in the world because I didn't know what I wanted to do with my life yet. I wasn't confident and didn't know or see my potential. I became a mother at 18 and all the fear remanifested it self into fearing not being able to support myself and my child if I didn't get a degree. I did alot of settling in chosing a career just to get enough financial security to support myself and my son. Through my 20s I lived in a state of perpetual regret for not thinking bigger. I finally achieved something for myself and had a decent career and got pregnant with my second son.
I became a stay at home mother after my youngest son was born. It was not what I had wanted to do and was completely unheard of in my family. All the women in my family are workaholics. I hated it and I lived another many more years into my earlier 30s hating it.
My story isn't at all special. Most of the people I have experienced in my age range and older feel as though their lifes just went to hell due to obstacles and they were left with shitty options that built where they are today. We all get caught in the thought trap wishing we had known then what we know now and that we had done better with ourselves. It's one of the big reasons so many people are unhappy. We all have great difficulty forgiving our old self for not taking the path we think would have been better for us; and we believe that a chance to change our life is lost in our past mistakes. As I walked that campus for a little while I felt myself slipping into that though process and then as I picked up the energy of those students I realized that they are as afraid now as I was then. It's a special kind of torture to have to decide what to do with your life before you have even figured out who you are which is why I think many of us end up not satisfied. These young people will live to doubt their choices just as I have. As My husband and I walked past some of the students they smiled sincerely and hopeful at how cute they thought we were together. I was looking back at them and for a second thinking they were the dream while they looked ahead at us seeing us as the dream. Isn't that ironic......
I think the most that we can all hope for is that we gather the strength to be accepting of our choices instead of rolling in our past mistakes and forsaking our futures.
My life didn't turn out the way I thought it would . I don't know for certain it would have been better had I not had a child so early or not taken a break to be a stay at home mother, because I know people with no children that have it harder than I do . I do know I wouldn't be so close with my children and I would have regretted missing that and it would have affected them negatively as well. I may have never made it without their love to motivate me forward being who I was back then. I'm not wealthy but I'm rich in the love and support I have always longed for and wanted so I have no regrets.
As we walked the campus we reminisced about those long forgotten college years of our life. Mostly I remember being really scared. I was scared to get out there in the world because I didn't know what I wanted to do with my life yet. I wasn't confident and didn't know or see my potential. I became a mother at 18 and all the fear remanifested it self into fearing not being able to support myself and my child if I didn't get a degree. I did alot of settling in chosing a career just to get enough financial security to support myself and my son. Through my 20s I lived in a state of perpetual regret for not thinking bigger. I finally achieved something for myself and had a decent career and got pregnant with my second son.
I became a stay at home mother after my youngest son was born. It was not what I had wanted to do and was completely unheard of in my family. All the women in my family are workaholics. I hated it and I lived another many more years into my earlier 30s hating it.
My story isn't at all special. Most of the people I have experienced in my age range and older feel as though their lifes just went to hell due to obstacles and they were left with shitty options that built where they are today. We all get caught in the thought trap wishing we had known then what we know now and that we had done better with ourselves. It's one of the big reasons so many people are unhappy. We all have great difficulty forgiving our old self for not taking the path we think would have been better for us; and we believe that a chance to change our life is lost in our past mistakes. As I walked that campus for a little while I felt myself slipping into that though process and then as I picked up the energy of those students I realized that they are as afraid now as I was then. It's a special kind of torture to have to decide what to do with your life before you have even figured out who you are which is why I think many of us end up not satisfied. These young people will live to doubt their choices just as I have. As My husband and I walked past some of the students they smiled sincerely and hopeful at how cute they thought we were together. I was looking back at them and for a second thinking they were the dream while they looked ahead at us seeing us as the dream. Isn't that ironic......
I think the most that we can all hope for is that we gather the strength to be accepting of our choices instead of rolling in our past mistakes and forsaking our futures.
My life didn't turn out the way I thought it would . I don't know for certain it would have been better had I not had a child so early or not taken a break to be a stay at home mother, because I know people with no children that have it harder than I do . I do know I wouldn't be so close with my children and I would have regretted missing that and it would have affected them negatively as well. I may have never made it without their love to motivate me forward being who I was back then. I'm not wealthy but I'm rich in the love and support I have always longed for and wanted so I have no regrets.
