A New Beginning

I have received many messages asking me if I'm doing okay, where did I go, and if I'm coming back. First,  of all   I do greatly appreciate yalls love and concern for me  because in my mind I'm always thinking no one will notice if I'm gone. I started this platform years ago simply because I wanted to express my true self ,my art, and find people who understood me during a time when I had not yet learned how to accept myself. I didn't expect that it would become what it is now.  I have met people  here who have inspired me and helped me heal and I can never thank you enough for the huge impact so many of you have made in my life.
      I have been away because I received a promotion and I have been busy at work.
When I do have extra time available I'm kayaking with my family since finally it's gotten a bit cooler in the Texas hill country. I'm extremely happy and greatful for my life these days so no need for yall to worry. I am doing better than fine . I have contemplated returning many times to do a new photo shoot and tell a new story. However,  I'm realizing that I'm at that part in a painting when you want to add more details, but the more you look at what you have created you have to accept that the masterpiece is truly complete. I've grown into the person I always imagined and wanted to be as a child. I learned to see myself as beautiful, I found my definition of success, and have validated myself as worthy of all great blessings God intends for me. Along the way in the journey the closer I got to those goals the more I realized that I required less and less to be happy in my life.
At the beginning of my platform I was very materialist and superficially dense because I needed it to feel good about myself. I don't need that anymore. I would dress up to feel important because I didn't feel important. I was chasing perfection to feel more put together thinking that it would inspire me to get myself together; and you know crazy enough that did work! However, the more possessions  I  accumulated and the more beautiful and put together I became the more uncomfortable I began to feel inside but I had not yet figured out that I had taken those beliefs of others into myself.
      My entire life people have treated me like being pretty is my only worth and the only thing I'm supposed to be doing is sitting around being cute. It's not awesome to have people see you that way but I have learned not to see myself that way, and how to use that perception of how people see me to my advantage. If I'm not seen as smart or capable people with bad intentions ALWAYS jump on the opportunity to belittle me, manipulate me or dismiss me. I judge people based on what they do when they don't see me as worthy.

I am a Quality Assurance Analyst for everyone who keeps asking me what is it that I do and thinks I have a secret only fans 🤣. How stupid would it be not to connect an only fans to my platform if i had one yall! I am a very candid and open person I would have told you regardless of what you would think ... But honestly I never tell everything about myself because I absolutely love my privacy which is why fame is not for me. I just never tell people about my job because I didn't think it was important to the relationship I have with people. And besides...If you tell people everything about you it will  interfere with seeing  the narrative they construct about you. That  is  far more instresting than trying to manipulate them into seeing you a certain way so that they will like you. Here's a tip.  Don't seek to be liked , seek those who are captivated with understanding why you are you. 
But anyway.... 
I love my new position but it's a lot of tedious work that loads my mind and makes me really tired after work. I'm still creating things and still taking photos with my family but I do not wish to share most of those experiences with the world anymore because I am no longer seeking to find myself or others. I create for myself now and live my experiences omnipresently. I just simply don't want to miss anymore of my life ,expecially since I've lost so much already being distracted.
  I don't intend to delete my account  because for me it's one of my greatest works. I found myself screaming out of an open window to the world via social media. 😏 You all came and you listened to me , interacted with and became a family when I thought I was alone out here. It's because of all of you that dispite the evil and hardships I've  endured I still believe that there is a lot of good in the world and I didn't become cold and stop believe in love,  friendship and unity.
There is a chance that I will post in the future if I feel compelled to do so because I still get an urge sometimes but I'm just too tired to do it most of the time.  But for right now I have a new journey to embark on. I've learned that we can't move forward into the light of blessings we always dreamed of if we don't know how to let go of the old chapters when the story has ended. I've reached a new beginning and I'm not who I used to be anymore. I need peace now to enjoy my life without the attachments that will only hold me to a past already completed.  The time has come for a new beginning. 

I wish you all love of yourself and the life that you live.

Antoinette Lavoisier 

Making Peace with the Past

Is been a very long time since I've written for my blog. I've written many things I had intended to post to my blog but I just didn't because the subject matter was so very heavy and it takes alot out of me. For as long as I can remember I have always been an over thinker and over feeling  to the point that I was completely consumed in thoughts about past betrayal,  pain and abandonment.

All it would make me do is ask myself the same questions over and over again.

When the fact of the matter is it doesn't matter why anymore. Life goes on. It had to happen or I would have not happened the way I was meant to.

Those thoughts kept me in a constant state of turmoil,  self doubt and self hatred trying to rationalize it all. The worst part is I know why and I've always known why I had to go through so much.  The problem was getting myself to accept that there was no other way possible of becoming who I am today if I had been loved the way I wished for. Some of us are lucky to come from a place of love and acceptance... But have you ever noticed how many of those lucky people behave? They can't help or understand anyone who isn't  like them no matter how much they sympathize with us. They can't understand our stories and are terribly naive and some of them are ungrateful of the love they have  been blessed with. All of us who have been through the most horrible things either decend into darkness because we had no support or become the strength of our communities. So in away rather we are cared about from the start or not there are still consequences for both. 

I know I should be grateful for the knowledge and experience to become a stronger person, but honestly sometimes I'm still angry that I had to get resilience that way and it's an obstacles I intend to someday over come.
I had to suffer majority of my life to be helpful,  supportive and inspirational to other people and it wasn't even a choice it just started that way and stayed that way. Since elementary school I have been the care taker and emotional support for every group of people I have ever associated with. It's my purpose and my calling and I'm very good at it.  But I would not have chose it for myself because it's taken so much from me to develop this skill. Please don't jump to conclusions and missunderstand me thinking I just want to be selfish and say screw it to everyone .  I generally love people and having a close family that loves, supports, and inspires me has been a long term dream my entire life.... But I understand it's not going to be possible for me and that's just the way it is. I love helping other people and for a long time it was the only worth I saw in myself and that is the real problem right there! 

I've felt like a service person to the world without a life or worth of my own as if I'm only good for giving all of my time and energy to other people that need me while all my needs go neglected.
Growing up Christian is where I first inherited these beliefs. I was told my life was not my own, I was only here to exist to do God's work around God's plan to spend my life trying to repent for the original sin I was born with. This concept alone was the beginning of my lack of self worth and hatred. It made me feel like God hated me from the start because if I didn't offer myself to suffering for others I would then die and go to hell . I had no personal self worth and it made me feel like the only way anyone could be loved and cared about is through service.  I feared God like I was instructed to because I feared more suffering and consequences , I was miserably motivated by fear alone. Relationships that are motivated and controlled by fear is a prison both inside and out and I would rather be dead than trapped in a loop of fear. I believe in God but not in that way anymore. I don't belong to any organized religion of any kind because I don't believe in anything  fear based controlling my life and majority of faiths are rooted in fear. However, I have a great respect for faiths of all kind because at the base of them , I believe we all want to be better people and are actively trying if only through our beliefs. But this is not about religion or belief it's just how I got to who I am today. I try to avoid bringing up religion and beliefs because it's the biggest divider between us all but still it has had a major impact on my point of view. 

You can't speak to the world and expect them to understand and relate to experiences of others if they reject you from the beginning because you don't share the same God or beliefs so I try to keep it out of my subject matter all together. I want to connect about the struggle of the human experience that we all face. I don't care what you believe I just know regardless of what you believe this life is still hard for all of us. We get stuck in past trauma and past pain and we spend our present time afraid to love, afraid to feel and afraid to really live.  We repeat those steps continuously over and over again regardless of who we pray to we all want the same thing.

We just want to be happy and since that's all I really want it's the only thing I give energy to now and it helps me appreciate my life and the people in my life.

 If it worries me, stresses me, makes me uncomfortable, or feel uneasy like I can't trust it in anyway I'm just not actively participating with nonsense and unnecessary drama anymore. I don't want to talk about pain anymore. I don't want to talk about the past anymore.  I only want to savor every experience in the present and be excited and optimistic about the future. It has been very challenging to do that but I have found away and although its still a work in progress I want to share with others how to do just that.  You know already where and what I came from.  From this day farward I am only focusing on where I'm headed.  Not coming from a good place or being in a good place is a logical reason to keep working on reaching a good place. I forgive all of those who struggled to find love and to love themselves who couldn't love me either. I forgive all of those who have hurt me intentionally and unintentionally. Non of us are perfect or really knows what the hell we are doing. Expecially when our only motivation is fear we do things we don't intend to do sometimes even if we had the best intentions. It is a lesson for us all and I chose not to be bitter, or shield myself from future connections with people who will have the capacity to give to me the way I give to them. Every pain endured and every tear I have ever cried has made a fortress of the temple that is me. Not only do I have the strength to sustain myself I am blessed to have enough strength to protect and bring strength for other's. It may not always seem worthy of the sacrifices I had to make to get to this point but , I'm still alive and I truly believe that some day I will have the opportunity to live out the blessings deserving of those sacrifices.