All it would make me do is ask myself the same questions over and over again.
When the fact of the matter is it doesn't matter why anymore. Life goes on. It had to happen or I would have not happened the way I was meant to.
Those thoughts kept me in a constant state of turmoil, self doubt and self hatred trying to rationalize it all. The worst part is I know why and I've always known why I had to go through so much. The problem was getting myself to accept that there was no other way possible of becoming who I am today if I had been loved the way I wished for. Some of us are lucky to come from a place of love and acceptance... But have you ever noticed how many of those lucky people behave? They can't help or understand anyone who isn't like them no matter how much they sympathize with us. They can't understand our stories and are terribly naive and some of them are ungrateful of the love they have been blessed with. All of us who have been through the most horrible things either decend into darkness because we had no support or become the strength of our communities. So in away rather we are cared about from the start or not there are still consequences for both.
Those thoughts kept me in a constant state of turmoil, self doubt and self hatred trying to rationalize it all. The worst part is I know why and I've always known why I had to go through so much. The problem was getting myself to accept that there was no other way possible of becoming who I am today if I had been loved the way I wished for. Some of us are lucky to come from a place of love and acceptance... But have you ever noticed how many of those lucky people behave? They can't help or understand anyone who isn't like them no matter how much they sympathize with us. They can't understand our stories and are terribly naive and some of them are ungrateful of the love they have been blessed with. All of us who have been through the most horrible things either decend into darkness because we had no support or become the strength of our communities. So in away rather we are cared about from the start or not there are still consequences for both.
I know I should be grateful for the knowledge and experience to become a stronger person, but honestly sometimes I'm still angry that I had to get resilience that way and it's an obstacles I intend to someday over come.
I had to suffer majority of my life to be helpful, supportive and inspirational to other people and it wasn't even a choice it just started that way and stayed that way. Since elementary school I have been the care taker and emotional support for every group of people I have ever associated with. It's my purpose and my calling and I'm very good at it. But I would not have chose it for myself because it's taken so much from me to develop this skill. Please don't jump to conclusions and missunderstand me thinking I just want to be selfish and say screw it to everyone . I generally love people and having a close family that loves, supports, and inspires me has been a long term dream my entire life.... But I understand it's not going to be possible for me and that's just the way it is. I love helping other people and for a long time it was the only worth I saw in myself and that is the real problem right there!
I had to suffer majority of my life to be helpful, supportive and inspirational to other people and it wasn't even a choice it just started that way and stayed that way. Since elementary school I have been the care taker and emotional support for every group of people I have ever associated with. It's my purpose and my calling and I'm very good at it. But I would not have chose it for myself because it's taken so much from me to develop this skill. Please don't jump to conclusions and missunderstand me thinking I just want to be selfish and say screw it to everyone . I generally love people and having a close family that loves, supports, and inspires me has been a long term dream my entire life.... But I understand it's not going to be possible for me and that's just the way it is. I love helping other people and for a long time it was the only worth I saw in myself and that is the real problem right there!
I've felt like a service person to the world without a life or worth of my own as if I'm only good for giving all of my time and energy to other people that need me while all my needs go neglected.
Growing up Christian is where I first inherited these beliefs. I was told my life was not my own, I was only here to exist to do God's work around God's plan to spend my life trying to repent for the original sin I was born with. This concept alone was the beginning of my lack of self worth and hatred. It made me feel like God hated me from the start because if I didn't offer myself to suffering for others I would then die and go to hell . I had no personal self worth and it made me feel like the only way anyone could be loved and cared about is through service. I feared God like I was instructed to because I feared more suffering and consequences , I was miserably motivated by fear alone. Relationships that are motivated and controlled by fear is a prison both inside and out and I would rather be dead than trapped in a loop of fear. I believe in God but not in that way anymore. I don't belong to any organized religion of any kind because I don't believe in anything fear based controlling my life and majority of faiths are rooted in fear. However, I have a great respect for faiths of all kind because at the base of them , I believe we all want to be better people and are actively trying if only through our beliefs. But this is not about religion or belief it's just how I got to who I am today. I try to avoid bringing up religion and beliefs because it's the biggest divider between us all but still it has had a major impact on my point of view.
Growing up Christian is where I first inherited these beliefs. I was told my life was not my own, I was only here to exist to do God's work around God's plan to spend my life trying to repent for the original sin I was born with. This concept alone was the beginning of my lack of self worth and hatred. It made me feel like God hated me from the start because if I didn't offer myself to suffering for others I would then die and go to hell . I had no personal self worth and it made me feel like the only way anyone could be loved and cared about is through service. I feared God like I was instructed to because I feared more suffering and consequences , I was miserably motivated by fear alone. Relationships that are motivated and controlled by fear is a prison both inside and out and I would rather be dead than trapped in a loop of fear. I believe in God but not in that way anymore. I don't belong to any organized religion of any kind because I don't believe in anything fear based controlling my life and majority of faiths are rooted in fear. However, I have a great respect for faiths of all kind because at the base of them , I believe we all want to be better people and are actively trying if only through our beliefs. But this is not about religion or belief it's just how I got to who I am today. I try to avoid bringing up religion and beliefs because it's the biggest divider between us all but still it has had a major impact on my point of view.
You can't speak to the world and expect them to understand and relate to experiences of others if they reject you from the beginning because you don't share the same God or beliefs so I try to keep it out of my subject matter all together. I want to connect about the struggle of the human experience that we all face. I don't care what you believe I just know regardless of what you believe this life is still hard for all of us. We get stuck in past trauma and past pain and we spend our present time afraid to love, afraid to feel and afraid to really live. We repeat those steps continuously over and over again regardless of who we pray to we all want the same thing.
We just want to be happy and since that's all I really want it's the only thing I give energy to now and it helps me appreciate my life and the people in my life.
We just want to be happy and since that's all I really want it's the only thing I give energy to now and it helps me appreciate my life and the people in my life.
If it worries me, stresses me, makes me uncomfortable, or feel uneasy like I can't trust it in anyway I'm just not actively participating with nonsense and unnecessary drama anymore. I don't want to talk about pain anymore. I don't want to talk about the past anymore. I only want to savor every experience in the present and be excited and optimistic about the future. It has been very challenging to do that but I have found away and although its still a work in progress I want to share with others how to do just that. You know already where and what I came from. From this day farward I am only focusing on where I'm headed. Not coming from a good place or being in a good place is a logical reason to keep working on reaching a good place. I forgive all of those who struggled to find love and to love themselves who couldn't love me either. I forgive all of those who have hurt me intentionally and unintentionally. Non of us are perfect or really knows what the hell we are doing. Expecially when our only motivation is fear we do things we don't intend to do sometimes even if we had the best intentions. It is a lesson for us all and I chose not to be bitter, or shield myself from future connections with people who will have the capacity to give to me the way I give to them. Every pain endured and every tear I have ever cried has made a fortress of the temple that is me. Not only do I have the strength to sustain myself I am blessed to have enough strength to protect and bring strength for other's. It may not always seem worthy of the sacrifices I had to make to get to this point but , I'm still alive and I truly believe that some day I will have the opportunity to live out the blessings deserving of those sacrifices.
