Capable of Anything

So far it's been a really chill and rewarding summer for me dispite all the crazy going on in the world right now.
I've appreciated this time alone during quarantine and social distancing to really think and reflect on my past and plan for my future the right way.
I've been through a lot but I feel so greatful for it because it's provided me the resilience to get through a whole lot more flawlessly. I've begun to notice that although I am affected by these major changes in the world I am not responding the way many people are. I am not scared and not worried either. I am just waiting and constantly preparing for the worst the way I always have. I would like to hear that they found a cure for the virus and that the world is better than it was before; but if they say it's all going to hell and we are about to live like Mad Max I've got an outfit for that too.
During all this what I've learned is there is so much value in being alone because it's the only way to properly discover yourself and your true potential. I have realized that when I have too much outside interference it is much harder for me to express myself creatively because of all the outside opinions flowing in. I don't really discuss with anyone what I do in this career, the branches of this kind of work or how it works because everyone is a critic and thinks they know what other people should do with their life. However people still come with their 2 cents. Anytime I tell someone what I do they always have a suggestion without realizing that what I do has to solely reflect who I am and what's important to me because that's how artistic expression works. This is the kind of job that very quickly will sweep your whole image up in a direction you may not want to go if you don't steer it with authenticity of who you actually are.
Being alone has cleared me of the clutter that is other people's views. I thought I had found all of my confidence but when it came to people I know I still had a lot of fear associated with how I would be received. I didn't even know I had things I still needed to release until I would get in front of the camera all prepped up on my research and ready to go and then suddenly I couldn't move and couldn't speak. It reminded me of my first grade Christmas play the only school function my Mom ever made it to. I was so excited for her to come but when I saw her in the audience I completely froze up. All the other kids sang and smiled and I stood there and just put my head down. I was afraid that she wouldn't be proud or worst indifferent. I didn't see how that moment spread through out my life and how it was still holding me back from being who I was meant to be. Strangers that read blogs know me better than my whole family. I was always too afraid of what they would say or what they would think because nothing I had ever done was good enough for them to celebrate and I was the difficult child because I was "too sensative" so I kept my head in the sand. The way I over came that fear not to long ago is I heard something really fucked up about myself through my family's grapevine that made me laugh so hard I cried happy tears. I thought to myself damn.... If they believe that then I am free to do anything . I can get in front of that camera and act a complete fool if I want to. I've become comfortable with being the wild card weirdo because they actually believe I'm capable of anything and even though it's not in a positive way capable of anything is better than capable of nothing.

I don't think any of us are actually who we are meant to be until we find our own way in the world and create our own identity. We must all go out into the world and find our own meaning and our own motivations. I am just a fruit from a branch but I contain everything I need to grow my own tree. I am not my Mother, not my brother not my grandparents. We don't want the same things or even value the same things and that's okay because they don't belong to me no more than I belong to them . Being alone showed me I belong to myself and it's my job to create the life I want and live it. 

Into The Woods

I'm doing as well as I can be these days. Honestly I'm still sad I'm back from vacation to Colorado. I went from sleeping under a clear sky cradled in the serenity of the mountains to back home to the real world. Everytime there is a surge in racial tension I start receiving insults in my messages and comments and lots of discrimination for being married to a white man. People become hyper villigiant of the fact I'm in a interracial relationship. My children start experiencing the divide in their ethnicity and are bullied for not being dark enough or "black enough" to have an opinion on African cultural issues. It's a tricky place for me to be in because I'm very glad and I feel very proud of the steps black people are taking towards equality. However, I'm in mother bear mode right now for my family because people are acting really stupid in the world right now. Some people are seriously running up on others questioning their support ready to attack their character and platforms but proclaiming peaceful protest . There is nothing peaceful about trying to force your ideology on others. Personal growth is something that has to be personally realized through your own experience. The real truth is people that are already racist only get more racist during times like these because they have selective attention to support their racial bias. They aren't going to see all the actual peaceful protest, unity of the world and beauty of the changes. All they see is those weird videos of white people kissing black people's feet to support black lives, these crazy looters that all look black to them in the dark, and that black people think they are superior like they always have felt to begin with. What doesn't help change at all is the black people that are providing them with the fuel to fan their racist fires by seriously behaving as if they are superior because not all black people are focused on equality either.
I support what I know is right regardless of what color the truth rides in on and dispite this cause being designed with all the right efforts in mind there is a lot of fuckery going on that I do not support or agree with. I am not here to attempt to prove my "blackness" to anyone. I have been a black woman my whole life. I loved my natural hair before it got trendy when my black highschool sweetheart avoided me for wearing it that way because he was embarrassed by it. I was supporting the beauty of my blackness and the beauty in the brown skin women and men before it became a chain post.
I lead a very reclusive lifestyle because I am extremely sensitive to the emotions of others and the pain in the world .
Back in February on the 27th on Instagram I wrote:

Do you feel that? There's a scream unheard that rumbles the world. We all feel it but can't name it or tame the anxiety of the quake. Words are unspoken trapped in circling contemplation as we all hunt for the answer. Where does it come from? How is it I know how it feels without truly knowing it exist?

I wrote that before the pandemic was in America and I wasn't generally concerned with it coming here at the time because many things that start overseas never reach us. I just kept waking up with very bad anxiety sometimes crying in my sleep to a heavy sense of pain as if I could feel the world screaming and dying around me. I started feeling it before it came but I kept telling myself that I was tripping and I thought my depression was coming back. Turns out it wasn't me and to protect myself and my family I have retreated into the woods. I'm not on social media as much anymore because it's not fun anymore. My platform is moving away from just being fashionable and whimsical because I'm not feeling it. I use most of my time trying to get the most out of my life by conquering my fears and really shooting for the stars to reach my dreams before time runs out. I'm always looking really closely at my children when they are smiling so that I can remember our happy moments because I don't know where things are going and I'm afraid about what we may face in the future. 

    All in all dispite challenges I am still optimistic about the future but just incase we don't win this dangerous game of jumanji I'll remember the love I've lived and die happily complete.