So far it's been a really chill and rewarding summer for me dispite all the crazy going on in the world right now.
I've appreciated this time alone during quarantine and social distancing to really think and reflect on my past and plan for my future the right way.
I've been through a lot but I feel so greatful for it because it's provided me the resilience to get through a whole lot more flawlessly. I've begun to notice that although I am affected by these major changes in the world I am not responding the way many people are. I am not scared and not worried either. I am just waiting and constantly preparing for the worst the way I always have. I would like to hear that they found a cure for the virus and that the world is better than it was before; but if they say it's all going to hell and we are about to live like Mad Max I've got an outfit for that too.
During all this what I've learned is there is so much value in being alone because it's the only way to properly discover yourself and your true potential. I have realized that when I have too much outside interference it is much harder for me to express myself creatively because of all the outside opinions flowing in. I don't really discuss with anyone what I do in this career, the branches of this kind of work or how it works because everyone is a critic and thinks they know what other people should do with their life. However people still come with their 2 cents. Anytime I tell someone what I do they always have a suggestion without realizing that what I do has to solely reflect who I am and what's important to me because that's how artistic expression works. This is the kind of job that very quickly will sweep your whole image up in a direction you may not want to go if you don't steer it with authenticity of who you actually are.
Being alone has cleared me of the clutter that is other people's views. I thought I had found all of my confidence but when it came to people I know I still had a lot of fear associated with how I would be received. I didn't even know I had things I still needed to release until I would get in front of the camera all prepped up on my research and ready to go and then suddenly I couldn't move and couldn't speak. It reminded me of my first grade Christmas play the only school function my Mom ever made it to. I was so excited for her to come but when I saw her in the audience I completely froze up. All the other kids sang and smiled and I stood there and just put my head down. I was afraid that she wouldn't be proud or worst indifferent. I didn't see how that moment spread through out my life and how it was still holding me back from being who I was meant to be. Strangers that read blogs know me better than my whole family. I was always too afraid of what they would say or what they would think because nothing I had ever done was good enough for them to celebrate and I was the difficult child because I was "too sensative" so I kept my head in the sand. The way I over came that fear not to long ago is I heard something really fucked up about myself through my family's grapevine that made me laugh so hard I cried happy tears. I thought to myself damn.... If they believe that then I am free to do anything . I can get in front of that camera and act a complete fool if I want to. I've become comfortable with being the wild card weirdo because they actually believe I'm capable of anything and even though it's not in a positive way capable of anything is better than capable of nothing.
I don't think any of us are actually who we are meant to be until we find our own way in the world and create our own identity. We must all go out into the world and find our own meaning and our own motivations. I am just a fruit from a branch but I contain everything I need to grow my own tree. I am not my Mother, not my brother not my grandparents. We don't want the same things or even value the same things and that's okay because they don't belong to me no more than I belong to them . Being alone showed me I belong to myself and it's my job to create the life I want and live it.
I've appreciated this time alone during quarantine and social distancing to really think and reflect on my past and plan for my future the right way.
I've been through a lot but I feel so greatful for it because it's provided me the resilience to get through a whole lot more flawlessly. I've begun to notice that although I am affected by these major changes in the world I am not responding the way many people are. I am not scared and not worried either. I am just waiting and constantly preparing for the worst the way I always have. I would like to hear that they found a cure for the virus and that the world is better than it was before; but if they say it's all going to hell and we are about to live like Mad Max I've got an outfit for that too.
During all this what I've learned is there is so much value in being alone because it's the only way to properly discover yourself and your true potential. I have realized that when I have too much outside interference it is much harder for me to express myself creatively because of all the outside opinions flowing in. I don't really discuss with anyone what I do in this career, the branches of this kind of work or how it works because everyone is a critic and thinks they know what other people should do with their life. However people still come with their 2 cents. Anytime I tell someone what I do they always have a suggestion without realizing that what I do has to solely reflect who I am and what's important to me because that's how artistic expression works. This is the kind of job that very quickly will sweep your whole image up in a direction you may not want to go if you don't steer it with authenticity of who you actually are.
Being alone has cleared me of the clutter that is other people's views. I thought I had found all of my confidence but when it came to people I know I still had a lot of fear associated with how I would be received. I didn't even know I had things I still needed to release until I would get in front of the camera all prepped up on my research and ready to go and then suddenly I couldn't move and couldn't speak. It reminded me of my first grade Christmas play the only school function my Mom ever made it to. I was so excited for her to come but when I saw her in the audience I completely froze up. All the other kids sang and smiled and I stood there and just put my head down. I was afraid that she wouldn't be proud or worst indifferent. I didn't see how that moment spread through out my life and how it was still holding me back from being who I was meant to be. Strangers that read blogs know me better than my whole family. I was always too afraid of what they would say or what they would think because nothing I had ever done was good enough for them to celebrate and I was the difficult child because I was "too sensative" so I kept my head in the sand. The way I over came that fear not to long ago is I heard something really fucked up about myself through my family's grapevine that made me laugh so hard I cried happy tears. I thought to myself damn.... If they believe that then I am free to do anything . I can get in front of that camera and act a complete fool if I want to. I've become comfortable with being the wild card weirdo because they actually believe I'm capable of anything and even though it's not in a positive way capable of anything is better than capable of nothing.
I don't think any of us are actually who we are meant to be until we find our own way in the world and create our own identity. We must all go out into the world and find our own meaning and our own motivations. I am just a fruit from a branch but I contain everything I need to grow my own tree. I am not my Mother, not my brother not my grandparents. We don't want the same things or even value the same things and that's okay because they don't belong to me no more than I belong to them . Being alone showed me I belong to myself and it's my job to create the life I want and live it.
