I used to believe that everyone will change into something better with time and experience. I waited in my heart to be rescued and resolved of my past pain. I fantasized about apologies that never came and I would wrap myself worth into it when they failed to manifest. I felt unloved and down on myself thinking I wasn't good enough to be given explanations or an apology.
Growing up my Mom would tell me that my feelings didn't matter because feelings change. So for most of my life everything I felt that hurt me I ruled out as invalid and even though I was crazy for having feelings at all. I pushed my feelings away and waited to feel differently than I did because I believed I was just gonna mature and arive to a place where it would magically change because I was older. I found out the most difficult way that she was right about how feelings changed but wrong about how they did.
I stayed so bottled up that it poisoned me into a prison of depression most of my life with unresolved pain. The feelings left unexpressed and unacknowledged ate through me like acid completely weakening my spirit and self esteem. I actually believed her and I would gaslight myself into believing that maybe I was wrong or misinterpreted my experiences because if I could be the blame then I could bring myself peace. To this day when someone hurts me I always blame myself because I need to find control to help myself process it. In the past I would verbally abuse myself by calling myself stupid and weak.
Today I am not harsh and uncompassionate with myself but I still root back to my desions and illusions of what I thought it was to pin point the red flags I should have taken more seriously. I had to learn that the only person that was ever going to rescue me was myself and the only apology I was ever going to get would have to come from me as well. I've learned that not everyone grows up to a positive place from their experiences because some are too difficult to grow into good from. Many people grow into stone walls and lack the capacity to express their truest emotions so its no wonder they can't acknowledge the the feelings of others. If we don't have an example of how to love we fall short in how to show it to those we could have had loving connections with. I know better to wait for anyone to resolve or validate the way I feel and expecting it give someone else too much control of my life. I know now it wasn't because I wasn't loved. I just expected it from people that were deeply damaged themselves that knew nothing about love but pain.
My only regret is that I had been living in an illusion for so long. If I had known sooner I might have found some kind of happiness alot sooner than I did in my younger years. One of the worst things any of us can do is wait for those that have been our source of pain to see it or acknowledge it at all because they seriously aren't paying attention to how you feel. The reason why is they are too consumed with pride and personal protection that prevents them from making a move to show you love. No matter how many times they may have reduced or rejected you they are not willing to risk being rejected by you. It's not because you aren't important, it's not be you aren't beautiful, it's not because you aren't deserving of compassion.... It's because someone did the same thing to them and deep inside they are so broken that they aren't able to humble themselves to take anymore risk with their heart.... not even for you. It wasn't until I learned to sympathize with those that hurt me that I learned to move on and love them from a safe distance. You can't be too close because hurt people don't know how not to hurt people, expecially people they actually love.
Stop waiting and take control of your destiny now. Your life is yours and that's why it's so important to learn to love yourself because in the end it's up to you to to set yourself free from dead end cycle of waiting for someone else to see you as valuable.
