It's Wanting more.... That's gonna bring me to my knees.

The whole of last week was a rather challenging one so it turned out for the best I was in insta-jail during most of that time. I've been working on trying to get these migraines under control and it's been extremely frustrating. I have lost many of my pleasures. I don't smoke anything at all, and I can't drink anymore at all. 😔 It really sucks because I love wine and I really enjoy pretty sophisticated mixologist drinks when I'm out. I have to watch my salt in take as well so it's made eating boring and bland. I hate doctor's, medication's and all these test and crap I have to go through to find a solution that seems to still be evading me. It's had me feeling really down and on the edge of depression but on the edge is as far as I will permit myself to go. 

I've discovered that there is always a valuable opportunity to ascend into a greater understanding of self and life through pain and darkness. I don't push it away anymore because it's the most important classes any of us will ever attend. I get so frustrated at times rushing my progression and questioning why this or that hasn't happened yet. Like John Mayer says in Gravity, "It's wanting more that's gonna bring me to my knees." The more we want the less time we spend appreciating what we have. The desire to have more moves what we can and do enjoy too quickly to remember that we enjoyed anything at all. When the pain in my head starts it kicks me right back into wishing for the day before. That day seemed so boring and routine just hanging out on the couch binge watching Titans and Doom Patrol laying on my husband. In the throws of pain all I want is to be back there again encapsulated in a good story with my husband's hand in my hand and the sound of the laughter of my family. I feel ashamed of myself everytime pain has to remind me of goodness of my life I miss over and over again reaching for more of this and that, that would ultimately not make me happier at all. Would you still hate your hair if you had cancer and it fell out and you were fighting for your life to just be there with your family as long as you possibly can? Would you still hate your job if you lost it and had to separate your family to try and get on your feet again? Would you still hate your life if you spent all the rest of it in pain waiting to die? Those things are the reality of many people right now today. 

Alot of things we focus all of our energies on in pursuit of just aren't as important as we believe. Money can't buy you time with those you love when that time is gone. Luxuries are worthless when you are too sick or too lonely to enjoy them. I'm sure you have heard it all before but really put it into perspective the next time you are wanting so much that you can't see what's really valuable. As difficult as it is for me I'm grateful that my pain keeps me in check.

It's ironic how I thank it now when I have spent so much of my life running from it. I don't go into the dark intentionally with self pity or self loathing because it's responsible to the life I'm trying to live and disrespectful to those I've chosen to give my life to. I do however respect the hell out of my dark times for building me into who I am and growing me further. The darkness is where we grow up and find our truth and see ourselves. If you are in the struggle right now today pull yourself out of the victim mentality and ask yourself what is my darkness trying to teach me that I should learn? I promise you if you start looking at it like a blessed challenge you will come out of it even brighter and better on the other side.

Finding Hope when you want to give up

The last couple of weeks have been stressful and my anxiety kicked into overdrive due to the migraines and the inability to sleep well. When I can't sleep I pretty much drag myself along because life doesn't stop just because I might not feel like adulting for the day. It's not possible for any of us to be on 100% all the time. Sometimes we are just tired. Work gets monotonous, we get sick, bad things happen sometimes, annoying things happen more often and the alarm clock goes off and you just want to lay there.... but you gotta dust yourself off and try again and again.... This is how I scrape myself up and continue to show up regardless of the obstacles and stay determined to reach my goals. 

     I have never given my migraines the attention they deserve in the direction of getting help for them because there is no cure for migraines and still to this day scientists are still puzzled by them. Most people I know don't even know they are a problem in my life because I never talk about it. I didn't see the point of complaining about it to anyone when no one could help me. When I am experiencing an episode I just separate myself from people quietly to go deal with the pain. When you are in that kind of pain the last thing you want to make time for is people's opinions and ideas of what you should do; as if I haven't done everything I could to stop pain so terrible you can hardly open your eyes or touch your own face and can last for days at a time. I have been suffering in silence for too long. My husband would see me in pain but I never even discussed it with him until a week ago and we have been together for over a decade. I had decided that it was just a part of my life and their was nothing I could do and talking about it felt like I was giving it power so I pushed it into shadows and I delt with it when I had to return to the shadows with it. This is exactly how not to deal with your obstacles. 

    My husband knew I had migraines but I was very vague about it so in his mind he though it was just headache. To those of you that do not experience migraines it is far more than just a headache. The pain is so bad that I can't do anything when they come. It completely stops me in whatever I'm doing and puts my life on hold for however long they last. I can't eat, I cant sleep, I can't stand the light of the sun or even a dim light from a lamp. I just ball up with my arms folded around my head in a dark room. Not really talking about your struggles traps you in a world alone with them with no light of hope. I don't like needing help for anything. I'm a nerd so when I have a problem I find my own help through extensive research and fix it myself. Help is less about what someone can do for you and more about the support of just being properly understood. Just being understood gave me a sense of emotional relief. My husband is a Mr. Fixit so when I told him he got on the ball to find me some kind of relief. I'm taking CBD oil for it now that doesn't stop it but makes it easier for me to cope with through the pain. I've done more research and have changed my eating habits to pin point triggers to find out how to prevent them or at least make them more manageable. In a few weeks I will get my daith pierced in both ears(thick middle cartilage) It's a pressure point that has helped many people with migraines have them less frequently, less severe and in some cases stopped them all together. 

   You aren't going to feel good all the time and rather it is physically difficult or emotional ignoring what's wrong is not going to get us ahead. The longer we go without proper nourishment through our hardships the harder they become. If they get too difficult for us it can land us in dangerous territory and once we lose hope we won't even care how our life breaks down around us. 

    When it gets hard to stay motivated we must have self compassion for ourselves enough to tell someone we trust even if it seems like they can't help, their hope for us can be enough to cause a spark of hope in ourselves. If it wasn't for my husband's hope I wouldn't have even looked for anymore solutions because I was emotionally exhausted to even try anymore. If you are feeling down know when to rest and after you have rested even if you dont believe find your spark of hope. Those that look will find it. It is never an option to give up on yourself.