The whole of last week was a rather challenging one so it turned out for the best I was in insta-jail during most of that time. I've been working on trying to get these migraines under control and it's been extremely frustrating. I have lost many of my pleasures. I don't smoke anything at all, and I can't drink anymore at all. 😔 It really sucks because I love wine and I really enjoy pretty sophisticated mixologist drinks when I'm out. I have to watch my salt in take as well so it's made eating boring and bland. I hate doctor's, medication's and all these test and crap I have to go through to find a solution that seems to still be evading me. It's had me feeling really down and on the edge of depression but on the edge is as far as I will permit myself to go.
I've discovered that there is always a valuable opportunity to ascend into a greater understanding of self and life through pain and darkness. I don't push it away anymore because it's the most important classes any of us will ever attend. I get so frustrated at times rushing my progression and questioning why this or that hasn't happened yet. Like John Mayer says in Gravity, "It's wanting more that's gonna bring me to my knees." The more we want the less time we spend appreciating what we have. The desire to have more moves what we can and do enjoy too quickly to remember that we enjoyed anything at all. When the pain in my head starts it kicks me right back into wishing for the day before. That day seemed so boring and routine just hanging out on the couch binge watching Titans and Doom Patrol laying on my husband. In the throws of pain all I want is to be back there again encapsulated in a good story with my husband's hand in my hand and the sound of the laughter of my family. I feel ashamed of myself everytime pain has to remind me of goodness of my life I miss over and over again reaching for more of this and that, that would ultimately not make me happier at all. Would you still hate your hair if you had cancer and it fell out and you were fighting for your life to just be there with your family as long as you possibly can? Would you still hate your job if you lost it and had to separate your family to try and get on your feet again? Would you still hate your life if you spent all the rest of it in pain waiting to die? Those things are the reality of many people right now today.
Alot of things we focus all of our energies on in pursuit of just aren't as important as we believe. Money can't buy you time with those you love when that time is gone. Luxuries are worthless when you are too sick or too lonely to enjoy them. I'm sure you have heard it all before but really put it into perspective the next time you are wanting so much that you can't see what's really valuable. As difficult as it is for me I'm grateful that my pain keeps me in check.
It's ironic how I thank it now when I have spent so much of my life running from it. I don't go into the dark intentionally with self pity or self loathing because it's responsible to the life I'm trying to live and disrespectful to those I've chosen to give my life to. I do however respect the hell out of my dark times for building me into who I am and growing me further. The darkness is where we grow up and find our truth and see ourselves. If you are in the struggle right now today pull yourself out of the victim mentality and ask yourself what is my darkness trying to teach me that I should learn? I promise you if you start looking at it like a blessed challenge you will come out of it even brighter and better on the other side.
