My Mission

I only started taking photos for fun as a way of expressing myself because I have always liked to make things beautiful and I wanted to do it as much as possible my own way. When I was in cosmetology school working with elderly women I would listen to their stories most of which were very sad and I knew that once I turned them around to see themselves in the mirror I would improve their whole day. As my career advanced I went from making people feel better about themselves to just feeling worst about myself. The higher you get in the beauty industry the more they spend you around and rip you to shreds to conform you to high beauty standards. I was ostracized for not doing cocaine and lost freelance work when I rejected it. I lived on Starbucks coffee because my boss would give me a look and lecture if she saw me eating. She would remind me of how much better I would do in my career if I were thinner since I had such a pretty face. My face was always broken out from wearing makeup every single day, and my hair was falling out from over processing it through relaxers, dyes and constantly straightening it. I looked a mess and didn't feel or look beautiful anymore so I quit the industry after I gave birth to my second son. I spent alot of years just being a stay at home mom just looking for myself and trying to find passion in a career again. I have finally found it but I was scared at first because so much of what I do now brings me closer to where I was then. What's far apart now is who I am now compared to who I was then. 

I've always had big ideas and have been more optimistic than most people think is reasonable. I've been called too nice more often than I care for and have been considered a fool to many for being encouraging. People have said " Ooh she thinks she's all that and act like she knows everything!" Neither of which is true but I always considered it a compliment when people are irritated by what they think I think of myself which should be of no concern to them. I don't know everything I just know what my life has been and what I've learned from it. I haven't thought positive of myself enough which is why I've been misused so often. I don't see the world the way most people do and it sucked when I figured it out. I decided I would just work harder on accepting myself even the parts that are weird and rejected. I gotta stay true to me. 

   I have been ashamed to admit I feel like I'm being blessed and kissed by God when I experience the first breeze of the day thats strong enough to blow my hair across my face. Every time it happens I stop and close my eyes to hold the moment. I crave watching the sun set or rise and when I haven't seen either in a while I get anxiety. I make time to sit with the moon alone and sometimes sneak away outside late at night just to lie down on my porch and stare at the sky. I don't have manicured hands and especially not feet because I feel strangely disconnected when my feet can't touch the actual earth. I feel kinda bad to admit it but I just don't care about most of the things that are important to most people and I'm not apologizing for it either. I think people make a lot of noise about what's wrong with the world and what's wrong with other people without trying to ever fix themselves. I don't want to be perfect I don't try and be. I'm filled with flaws so I'm constantly working on them and trying very hard to be accountable for what kind of energy I bring into the world. I don't want to rob my children of their innocence, be discouraging to my friends or steal hope from my family. I've had all those things block me from having hope. I've had to leave people and places to keep myself from drowning there again. 

   I'm not for everyone but I know I'm meant for some and to find the rest of those out there that feel as I do. I know I'm not going to change the world but if I can I just want to make you see that you can change your world and help you to see the beauty in you by expressing the beauty in me.

Your Best Self is Your True Self

• From the perspective of lookers from the outside of my world I'm sure it would appear that I changed. For a while I had believed the same.... but the heart always remembers the true self. Most kids are completely happy as they are until our natural disposition is rejected and then we spend the rest of our lifes trying to be accepted. We teach ourselves to get used to being uncomfortable and pretending so that we don't disappoint or hurt anyone. That's irrational because pain is just an inevitable truth and so is disappointment. It's rare that anyone's indepent choices doesn't come with someone else's disappointment. If you live to please you will never be able to please everyone! Trying to do so is like being on a choke chain trying to keep smiling so you don't upset anyone while they pull you to and fro. All the while the life is draining from our faces from our own self induced suffocation. I haven't changed.... I'm just finally breathing.  

   I have revived my true myself not changed into another. She was under pressure from all the things I piled on top of her and tried to force her to be from other people's point of view of what is good.

  Of course people would think who they remember me to be as good or even a better person than I am today! It was more beneficial to them and others that I was constantly sacrificing myself for their happiness. I was so afraid of being alone for being myself that I hadn't noticed that I had people around me already that only wanted the original me and saw me behind the facade the whole time. People will want you and value you for the way you look, and for what you can do for them; but the only love that is true in value is those who love you unconditionally as you are with no benefit other than the beauty of your company. 

     Ask yourself this: 

If I didn't have a great body,pretty face, money, the right connections with the right people will everyone who's around me now stay close to me? 

If I didn't share everything I accomplish with these people, if I wasn't constantly motivating their self esteem and helping would they still see me as valuable? 

If I stopped doing everything I do to be loved and accepted.... would I still be loved and accepted? 

If you can't answer these questions with a confident yes than it's a very sad no. Valuable love doesn't need you to do anything extra . I feel for the generations that grew up and are growing up in social media culture because it's only making the obstacles course people jump though to be accepted and loved more challenging and damaging to our true selves. There's so many different points of views. There's people posting themselves with new boobs, butts and nose jobs talking fitness and perfection. Then theirs others who believe themselves to be "purists " because they never wear make up or dress modestly and don't believe in vanity culture as a whole. There's the vegans verses meat eaters which are my favorite debates to watch. All in all the only point of view that truly matters in your life is your own. Who you actually are will attract your own real tribe that will love you just for being you. The problem starts when we want to be accepted by people that aren't interested in who or what we are and we try to conform for their love and attention. You will always attract what you are showing up pretending to be. I think it's God's way of showing us to ourselves. Most of my life I have attracted people that weren't really invested in me because I wasn't invested in my true self either. I was invested in my facade because I didn't believe I could be loved for just being me. I even went by another name for many years. There are still people that don't know my name is not Freya! It was a costuming name that turned into a persona and a heavy burden on real Antoinette Lavoisier. Everyone wants to change and everyone will change through life experience but I believe that who we really are is who we already are and was always meant to be. The trick is to stay that person even when the world demands something else and if we should lose ourselves love ourselves enough to go back and look for who we truly are.