I only started taking photos for fun as a way of expressing myself because I have always liked to make things beautiful and I wanted to do it as much as possible my own way. When I was in cosmetology school working with elderly women I would listen to their stories most of which were very sad and I knew that once I turned them around to see themselves in the mirror I would improve their whole day. As my career advanced I went from making people feel better about themselves to just feeling worst about myself. The higher you get in the beauty industry the more they spend you around and rip you to shreds to conform you to high beauty standards. I was ostracized for not doing cocaine and lost freelance work when I rejected it. I lived on Starbucks coffee because my boss would give me a look and lecture if she saw me eating. She would remind me of how much better I would do in my career if I were thinner since I had such a pretty face. My face was always broken out from wearing makeup every single day, and my hair was falling out from over processing it through relaxers, dyes and constantly straightening it. I looked a mess and didn't feel or look beautiful anymore so I quit the industry after I gave birth to my second son. I spent alot of years just being a stay at home mom just looking for myself and trying to find passion in a career again. I have finally found it but I was scared at first because so much of what I do now brings me closer to where I was then. What's far apart now is who I am now compared to who I was then.
I've always had big ideas and have been more optimistic than most people think is reasonable. I've been called too nice more often than I care for and have been considered a fool to many for being encouraging. People have said " Ooh she thinks she's all that and act like she knows everything!" Neither of which is true but I always considered it a compliment when people are irritated by what they think I think of myself which should be of no concern to them. I don't know everything I just know what my life has been and what I've learned from it. I haven't thought positive of myself enough which is why I've been misused so often. I don't see the world the way most people do and it sucked when I figured it out. I decided I would just work harder on accepting myself even the parts that are weird and rejected. I gotta stay true to me.
I have been ashamed to admit I feel like I'm being blessed and kissed by God when I experience the first breeze of the day thats strong enough to blow my hair across my face. Every time it happens I stop and close my eyes to hold the moment. I crave watching the sun set or rise and when I haven't seen either in a while I get anxiety. I make time to sit with the moon alone and sometimes sneak away outside late at night just to lie down on my porch and stare at the sky. I don't have manicured hands and especially not feet because I feel strangely disconnected when my feet can't touch the actual earth. I feel kinda bad to admit it but I just don't care about most of the things that are important to most people and I'm not apologizing for it either. I think people make a lot of noise about what's wrong with the world and what's wrong with other people without trying to ever fix themselves. I don't want to be perfect I don't try and be. I'm filled with flaws so I'm constantly working on them and trying very hard to be accountable for what kind of energy I bring into the world. I don't want to rob my children of their innocence, be discouraging to my friends or steal hope from my family. I've had all those things block me from having hope. I've had to leave people and places to keep myself from drowning there again.
I'm not for everyone but I know I'm meant for some and to find the rest of those out there that feel as I do. I know I'm not going to change the world but if I can I just want to make you see that you can change your world and help you to see the beauty in you by expressing the beauty in me.
