• From the perspective of lookers from the outside of my world I'm sure it would appear that I changed. For a while I had believed the same.... but the heart always remembers the true self. Most kids are completely happy as they are until our natural disposition is rejected and then we spend the rest of our lifes trying to be accepted. We teach ourselves to get used to being uncomfortable and pretending so that we don't disappoint or hurt anyone. That's irrational because pain is just an inevitable truth and so is disappointment. It's rare that anyone's indepent choices doesn't come with someone else's disappointment. If you live to please you will never be able to please everyone! Trying to do so is like being on a choke chain trying to keep smiling so you don't upset anyone while they pull you to and fro. All the while the life is draining from our faces from our own self induced suffocation. I haven't changed.... I'm just finally breathing.
I have revived my true myself not changed into another. She was under pressure from all the things I piled on top of her and tried to force her to be from other people's point of view of what is good.
Of course people would think who they remember me to be as good or even a better person than I am today! It was more beneficial to them and others that I was constantly sacrificing myself for their happiness. I was so afraid of being alone for being myself that I hadn't noticed that I had people around me already that only wanted the original me and saw me behind the facade the whole time. People will want you and value you for the way you look, and for what you can do for them; but the only love that is true in value is those who love you unconditionally as you are with no benefit other than the beauty of your company.
Ask yourself this:
If I didn't have a great body,pretty face, money, the right connections with the right people will everyone who's around me now stay close to me?
If I didn't share everything I accomplish with these people, if I wasn't constantly motivating their self esteem and helping would they still see me as valuable?
If I stopped doing everything I do to be loved and accepted.... would I still be loved and accepted?
If you can't answer these questions with a confident yes than it's a very sad no. Valuable love doesn't need you to do anything extra . I feel for the generations that grew up and are growing up in social media culture because it's only making the obstacles course people jump though to be accepted and loved more challenging and damaging to our true selves. There's so many different points of views. There's people posting themselves with new boobs, butts and nose jobs talking fitness and perfection. Then theirs others who believe themselves to be "purists " because they never wear make up or dress modestly and don't believe in vanity culture as a whole. There's the vegans verses meat eaters which are my favorite debates to watch. All in all the only point of view that truly matters in your life is your own. Who you actually are will attract your own real tribe that will love you just for being you. The problem starts when we want to be accepted by people that aren't interested in who or what we are and we try to conform for their love and attention. You will always attract what you are showing up pretending to be. I think it's God's way of showing us to ourselves. Most of my life I have attracted people that weren't really invested in me because I wasn't invested in my true self either. I was invested in my facade because I didn't believe I could be loved for just being me. I even went by another name for many years. There are still people that don't know my name is not Freya! It was a costuming name that turned into a persona and a heavy burden on real Antoinette Lavoisier. Everyone wants to change and everyone will change through life experience but I believe that who we really are is who we already are and was always meant to be. The trick is to stay that person even when the world demands something else and if we should lose ourselves love ourselves enough to go back and look for who we truly are.
