Social media is not a game

When I first started gaining recognition on Instagram I started looking at it from a business perspective. I even took my closest friends off of my page and basically told them to follow at their own risk because I was ready to play the social media game to win. I didn't want them to start to believe for a second my life was candy and unicorns so it wouldn't affect our relationship. I had planned to play the superficial rainbows and lollypops way because that's what most people respond to. It's very easy to do... all you have to do is do what most everyone else is doing. Dress trendy, use current celebrity quotes, act like everyday is the best day ever and pretend to be interested in everything everyone else is intrested in. 😑🤭😖 Yea that didn't last 5 minutes!🤣 I should have known better because everything I'm made out of goes against that act. I'm a scorpio with bi polar disorder for goodness sakes! That's like dressing Eeyore up for a never ending rave. I can only lie well when I believe the lie or really want to believe it to avoid a painful truth. I can't knowing pretend anything especially happy or interested when I'm not.
I do love fashion but only fashion between 1920 to 1960s and bohemian flowy feminine wear. I am also obsessed with costuming and fantasy designs. I hated the 90s when it was the 90s and I hate this new reproduction of it in 2020 even more. I listen to mostly old music like the BeeGees, Elton John, Jason Mraz, old school R and B and 20s jazz. The only new music I'm really instrested in is vulgar dirty gritty gangster rap. The rawer the better.🤗 I love Megan thee Stallion! She's from Houston and a Texan and acts like she kills men on the side for fun while wearing stripper wear. I can't do what she's does but I dig it!  It sounds kind of odd that I walk around dressed all primp and proper like a lady in the 50s listening to gangster rap but that's just my reality. When I really want to be comfortable I dress like a new age hippy witch. What you see is what it is and what you gonna get. I don't worry about it making sense to people. As much as I love fashion I don't love it enough to talk about it everyday or advertise every company that approaches me when I don't love what they want me to sale. I have alot of clothing, jewelry, wigs and stuff..... it's all just stuff yall. On days when I'm struggling to get through the day and I'm all dolled up somehow all the stuff makes me feel sadder somehow. Fashion is fun, trends and pop culture is something to talk about to distract us from monotonous days. At the end of the day they are all things outside ourselves that we won't really enjoy if we're not happy inside. I just require more and I know there are lots of people out there that require it too. My whole life I have always been driven by my pursuit of knowledge and finding the meaning of my existence. I guess you can say I'm a true saposexual. I need someone to teach me something I don't already know or say something so wise and true that challenges my believes enough to have me flip my mind over to redisect myself again. It's why I have always been attracted to older men and my crushes have always been professor types. I get bored easily when there is no meaning behind words and the older I get the less entertained I am by what my options are out here.
I have to be true to myself and nurture my true talents and abilities . I've always been good at helping people through the hard stuff even when I didn't know how to help myself. In the past before I learned to value myself I used my talent to try and get people to value me because I wanted to feel needed and wanted by anyone that would. I don't need or even want everyone to like me now, it's too stressful to even consider attempting to please everyone. The more popular I become the more uncomfortable being a social media influencer becomes for me but I'm coping with it. I won't quit this because it holds me accountable for keeping myself in check and emotionally healthy. There are days I need the pressure to stay motivated and positive to practice what I preach. I'm extremely grateful to my true fans and I want you guys to know that you have helped me see that I am capable of great things when I doubted that I was good at anything at all.
I get asked all the time how to become a social media influencer. Along with the dick picks and guys asking for my what's app number (I don't have a what's app) the other half of my messages is people wanting to be a social media star. I promise you guys that it is not as glamorous as it seems. It starts off fun and then after a year it becomes so monotonous and heavy. It's difficult to have to refresh yourself every week. Lots of people are refreshing and repurposing themselves by the day! Brand companies are seriously out to get you to do the most for the absolute least, and everyone that doesn't understand that what you do is more than taking photos and looking pretty doesn't even take what you do seriously. Trust me it's far more serious than I ever imagined it was and to be honest if I had to do it all over again I wouldn't because I wasn't ready for the responsibility of how much of my time and my life it requires. I've finally reached the threshold where I narrowed it down to a level that doesn't overwhelm me mentally. What I appreciate the most about social media is how it grew me as a person. I didn't know what I was doing at first and I was just winging it and having fun and then it became a job. The pressure was constantly pushing me to confront myself about what I wanted. All I can really do comfortably that I won't get bored with is help people and be honest about who I am so that is what I do. For those of you that really want to do this this is my advice to you.
1. come as you are.
You are going to attract both positive and negative attention no matter what you are doing but if you are being true to yourself it's easier to deal with. People have millions of examples of what fake looks like. They will see right through your bullshit if you pretend to be someone you're not. What's worst is pretending to be someone else at any time for any reason even actors will tell you that it can be damaging to your authentic self over time and cause depression. No amount of money or recognition is worth being miserable for.

2. Do what you are good at and passionate about even if it's not common.... especially if it's not common.
A few good people who are faithful to your cause is better than thousands who just follow you so you will follow them. An influencer is about your faithful audience not your pretend audience. The more real you are to your unique talents the more people you find that truly value you because you are like minded with them. Finding your tribe is in my opinion the best thing about social media. It feels good to know you are not alone and there are people that understand you.

3. If you don't love and enjoy what you are doing enough to do it only for yourself then I dont think this is for you at all. The numbers are up and down. People will come and go and you must remain unfazed and loving what you are doing anyway. You cannot get too emotional attached to followers to the point you are negatively affected if they go. You may form connections you really want to keep forever and they can decide to stop following you if you eat meat and they go vegan. Most people are committed to what they like reflected about themselves. The moment they see something they dont want to see that doesn't fit their vision of what they have decided to believe you are they are gone and you have to be okay with that.

4. Do not respond to negative attention!
You better have a thick skin because people will come at you with ridiculousness. It's a waste of energy to be fighting people everyday that you don't even know that are trying to get you to participate in nonsense. I've gotten so used to this it's taught me grace and patience so well I don't even fight with people I do know anymore. Use your energy towards your goals .If you get a troll in social media world that's a signal that you are doing something right. A troll is really a super fan that is so thirsty for your attention that they are dedicated to make time for stalking you everyday. You must learn to be greatful for them it's a milestone and a reality that just comes with the job.

5. Do not allow money and fame to shape you against who you actually are, what you stand for and have been telling your audience about you. If you are body positive and you start selling diet pills be prepared to fall hard. Fame is like the Aztec Gods... it will lift you up and shower you in riches and then cut out your heart for sacrifice and throw your body over a cliff. Social media seems like a game but a bad move can ruin your real life. Even those pretending to be someone they aren't are still real people behind the mask and real people find away to affect each other.

6. Social media is not just for fun it's a billion dollar business. If you really want to be an influencer invest in business classes and educating yourself so you can be prepared to defend yourself against those out to just use you. Brands will throw free clothing at you while they pay others that know the business and get what they deserve.

Your truth will set you free

Let's just be honest..... Being different sucks. It's not as cool as people think it is and it's alot to get used to. I'm an outcast of my extended family. I open my mouth and their heads start to tilt while puzzlement takes their faces. I tried really hard and pretended to be something I thought that they could love but that wasn't good for me. I spent much of my childhood alone escaping my life of feeling empty into books looking for characters like me to inspire me to accept myself.
It took too long to learn to accept myself.... I've lost years I can never get back so I won't wait for someone to see my worth and appreciate me. I'm not going out of my way to prove I'm worthy anymore either. I have learned to move on without resentment or anger about it because for all I know maybe it's the same for them. I practice staying in a state of acceptance of what is and not what I wish for it to be. I don't want anyone stressing about how to understand me and it's too late to want to get to know me now because I have responsibilities to the family I've made for myself. I realize that the way my family has evolved we just don't have the building blocks or the emotional stability to be better together so I don't blame them for the way things are. Unfortunately for us all we just never came together right. Generations of teenagers for parents from broken abusive homes does not build beautiful family structures. It's not easy being so different from them but I believe that I'm supposed to be because it's my job to break the cycle and build a family that knows how to love. I'm going to focus all my energy on being honest with myself and living in my truth.
The reason I'm so candid about my life experiences is because I have had to deny to myself what's happened to me so that I could be strong the way my family always enforced that I be. It did make me strong but also hardened me because I never had a safe place to share my pain. I've been drowning inside on my past mistakes, traumas and wishing for things that will never be. I don't blog about any of this for sympathy, I do it because it liberates me and I feel better for doing so. It sets me free from the shame of my past mistakes and hardships to share my stories. Shame is an enemy that whispers to you in the dark that everyone sees your tainted even when your not we are all only human. Long before I ever opened my mouth or applied words to a page I've felt like the whole word watched me burn contently appreciating my torture because shame made me believe it. I refuse to be harassed or controlled by my shame or my past trauma anymore. I am not afraid to be criticized, spoken negatively about,or being rejected by anyone anymore. So I speak my own truth and I set myself free from the burdens I've kept reliving over and over again. 

The worst thing that ever happened to me

Once upon a time after a 19 year old girl's first suicide attempt she was released from the hospital. The very next day she meet a really attractive man who was 30 years old who looked exactly like Ricky Martin but hetosexual and hotter. He seemed like the most charming guy she had ever meet. He started out what seemed like just overly concerned for her but that turned into  controlling fast. He constantly criticized my body and made me feel ulgy. He would tell me how I wasn't his type and flirted openly with other women so I broke up with him after 4 months . He started calling excessively and even showed up to my house drunk yelling for me in the yard. I avoided him at all cost. He came back while my family wasn't home one day and brutally raped me after throwing me through a glass coffee table and threaten to kill me if I tried to leave him again. I was so scared of him I was with him another 3 months completely against my will. He was a coke head and everytime he got high which was everyday, he would get really mad at the smallest things and go into rages and push me down and rape me whenever he felt like it. He would follow up on his threats if I didn't listen to him so I stopped fighting him so he wouldn't hurt me as bad. I didn't tell anyone what he was doing to me. I was still in complete disbelief of what was happening to me and everyone loved him so I didn't think they would believe me anyway. He spent alot of money on me and my family. He even paid for my sophomore year in college. He gave my son a huge party for his first birthday and was constantly showering me with sorry I abuse you gifts. He would tell me he loved me everytime he would do it and even cry like he was really sorry.  I spent some time away over the summer at my aunts house to get some distance between he and I and he started seeing another girl he told me about. He wasn't around everyday after work when he started seeing her except when he wanted sex with me. My family was renting and the landlord had to suddenly sale the house and my parents didn't want to buy it so we moved within a few weeks is how I escaped him. I was never the same after him. I still feel sick if I see Ricky Martin on tv or magazines to this day.  I have an aversion to overly attractive men or men that want to spend money on me because I see it as a way to gain to gain control. I told my Mom what happened to me a year later and she pretended to believe me but told other people in my family that she didn't.  He had always told me that no one would believe me. I haven't really talked about the full story until this year and there are still things I'm too embarrassed to say out loud about it even to myself. After that happened to me my mind got really distorted and I didn't realize then but I know now that it had completely blocked my ability to both see when I was loved and give love properly.

I had a very close friend who was madly in love with me and loved my son as well. Sadly I actually was in love with him too but I didn't believe he loved me I thought he just wanted to sleep with me so I was mean to him. I didn't take affection very well from anyone. I had started to believe that no one could love me because I was dirty from the rapes and tainted forever. I still don't know why I thought that I just did. When I finally did have sex after him it had turned into a dark experience for me. First I was just scared and then when I did learn to enjoy it again it got worst. I would use sex to torture myself everytime I felt worthless. I would crave just being used and then afterwards I would cut myself or hurt myself some kind of way out of shame. I had begun to only be attracted to unhealthy relationships. When I finally met a decent man (my second husband), Our relationship was kinda sexless and he was good to me but mostly invested in his music. I think the lack of sex made me feel safe in away but it didn't stop me from craving my sexual bad habits. Within our 4th year I cheated on him eventually.  I got pregnant and had a very regrettable abortion. I was a prolifer in the abortion clinic. I felt the child would become a pariah and be hated for my mistakes. I couldn't afford to take care of it either and I couldn't support my son and work while I was pregnant to put it up for adoption. A few months after the abortion I was held at gunpoint by a stalker I was wishing had killed me . I didn't even know the man I had only saw him at my work. I wasn't allowed to stay at my appartment when the man was released on bail. The police department requested I stay with family or a friend for a little while if I didn't want to be in protective custody until they were certain I was safe. I decided to stay with a man who I believed to be my best friend at the time. He took full advantage of my vulnerability and gave me the torture my soul was looking for and used me like I believed I deserved. I had no one but my son. My family had moved way, my best friend moved away and I was alone. I was drinking and partying all the time to make myself believe I was okay to numb out. I was constantly dripping drama and confrontation and that was just how I was through out my 20s. Just a broken damaged girl.

The reason I'm sharing this horrible story is because it's things like this that takes us away from love and if we don't heal we stay that way. I'm not the only one who has lived things like this. One in 3 women has or will be raped in their life time. It's the kind of thing that kills something inside of you forever. 

If you read my blogs often you know that I'm very happy now and is madly in love with my husband. I live a completely different life now I never thought I would ever have. It wasn't always this way though. It's still a hard story to tell and I still struggle discussing it to this day. Every couple of years I tell a little more to my husband about it when it starts hunting me again. 

I sometimes have the tendency to go numb out of no where sometimes without even being triggered. It has taken so many years of my life from me and made it difficult for me to accept and experience healthy love.

I used to hate for people to touch me. I used to be very feisty and felt easily threatened. I didn't trust anyone and doubted all the love around me. I see now today that when I look back I wasn't as alone as I thought I was. My grandmother took care of my son through the week while I was in college. My second husband's family loved me like I was part of their family. My best friend although she was states away stayed intouch and would come and see me and has always been a gentle and loving person I could confide in and be myself with. 

I didn't see any of them. They were all just distant voices in the dark. That is how broken people see the world around them. I slipped back into the same behavior again during the time my current husband and I were separated for 2 years. I understand that I returned back to it because I still had not learned to love myself yet or see myself worthy of love. Once my heart was broken again I thought of myself as just an object for consumption and that I would forever be punished for my ruin and that God would never forgive me for killing my own baby. I was right back in the car with my demons making my own living hell. 

I did the work this last time though. I have dedicated my life to staying health and villigiant of my thoughts and nurturing of my own feelings. I don't worry about returning there again anymore even though I'm living a healthy lifestyle now I'm still processing it. I know it's never going to go away. I wish I could extract it all from my memory and forget it forever but I finally accepted that is never going to happen. I have to work through it and remind myself that even though my experiences have not been good I can be good. What I'm most greatful for today is how I have learned to receive love from those who love me and how to give it back. I don't over extend myself to people that don't want to show me love anymore to torture myself out of guilt and shame of my past mistakes. I don't involve myself with others that are still riding with their demons that aren't ready to free themselves and are a bad influence on me maintaining a healthy life style and positive attitude. If you are still riding with yours I'm sharing my worst and deepest secrets to show you that it is possible to let it go and heal. When we don't see our worth and that we are worthy of love we constantly perpetuate negative behavior. 

I used to be the kind of person that always had something negative to say. I was dead set on protecting myself because I had been hurt and pushed people away from me that loved me. I was wapped up in childish behaviors and revenge and hatred toward men because I had been abused by men. I had killed the notion that love was possible for me but I was wrong. The key to the door of a completely different life can be opened by changing our perception of that life. Bad things happen to us all but its us who chooses if we want to allow those things to make us bad people. I choose to use my stories to help those like me who are stuck in the dark see the light. What has happened to me has and will help others. It made me a strong person and I think I owe it to myself and others to use my experience for good.

No regrets!

Yesterday was one of those ultra perfect days when everything was good and right in my world. My husband and I went for a walk at the University of Texas campus for my photo shoot, and just to hang out and see some cool shops. I found myself realizing how much I miss school. If I had not had a child so early I think I may have become a professional student and never left.
As we walked the campus we reminisced about those long forgotten college years of our life. Mostly I remember being really scared. I was scared to get out there in the world because I didn't know what I wanted to do with my life yet. I wasn't confident and didn't know or see my potential. I became a mother at 18 and all the fear remanifested it self into fearing not being able to support myself and my child if I didn't get a degree. I did alot of settling in chosing a career just to get enough financial security to support myself and my son. Through my 20s I lived in a state of perpetual regret for not thinking bigger. I finally achieved something for myself and had a decent career and got pregnant with my second son.
I became a stay at home mother after my youngest son was born. It was not what I had wanted to do and was completely unheard of in my family. All the women in my family are workaholics. I hated it and I lived another many more years into my earlier 30s hating it.
My story isn't at all special. Most of the people I have experienced in my age range and older feel as though their lifes just went to hell due to obstacles and they were left with shitty options that built where they are today. We all get caught in the thought trap wishing we had known then what we know now and that we had done better with ourselves. It's one of the big reasons so many people are unhappy. We all have great difficulty forgiving our old self for not taking the path we think would have been better for us; and we believe that a chance to change our life is lost in our past mistakes. As I walked that campus for a little while I felt myself slipping into that though process and then as I picked up the energy of those students I realized that they are as afraid now as I was then. It's a special kind of torture to have to decide what to do with your life before you have even figured out who you are which is why I think many of us end up not satisfied. These young people will live to doubt their choices just as I have. As My husband and I walked past some of the students they smiled sincerely and hopeful at how cute they thought we were together. I was looking back at them and for a second thinking they were the dream while they looked ahead at us seeing us as the dream. Isn't that ironic......
I think the most that we can all hope for is that we gather the strength to be accepting of our choices instead of rolling in our past mistakes and forsaking our futures.
My life didn't turn out the way I thought it would . I don't know for certain it would have been better had I not had a child so early or not taken a break to be a stay at home mother, because I know people with no children that have it harder than I do . I do know I wouldn't be so close with my children and I would have regretted missing that and it would have affected them negatively as well. I may have never made it without their love to motivate me forward being who I was back then. I'm not wealthy but I'm rich in the love and support I have always longed for and wanted so I have no regrets.

New year new me is a myth

Year 2020 is literally in 2 days..... It came so fast. Most definitely before I was ready. I can't complain really because 2019 has been a really awesome year for me. I taught myself alot of new skills and learned a ton of information about advertisement and marketing myself. I think bigger now and have learned how to conquer my fears in pursuit of my goals. I used to be a shopaholic but not anymore! I have everything I need and no available closet space; but mostly it's because I have done the deep diving into myself and finally figured out what makes me truly happy. Other than traveling and exploring new places everything else that makes me happy is free. My only real struggles this year was my inherited high blood pressure and my migraines. I put alot of time,energy and research into getting those under control and dropped all medications in exchange for ayurvedic solutions. I'm so happy it's working 🤗!

I don't do new year resolution because in my opinion it's a quick way to failure and self disappointment. To try and fail without a properly organized goal just drains us of our self esteem and willpower. You truly end up doing more harm to yourself. It's not enough to decide to change your life or behavior just because the year is new and everyone else is doing it. Most people fall off of their new years resolution before the spring even arrives. If you just have to make a new years resolution I think the only resolution that would truly make sense at changing your life is a resolution to be honest with yourself about what you truly want and constantly evaluating yourself in your pursuit to get it. Yes it is really that easy. It's our self doubt and avoidance of doing the hard work and sticking to it that's hard. Or really deep down it's just not that important to us.

My high blood pressure was not important to me mainly because of ignorance. Many people in my family have hypertension but I never thought of it as serious because my Granny made a soap opera out of it so the rest of my family made a joke out of it. She would behave like she was fragile to disappointment as if she would die if you upset her. When I was a child my cousin's and I would do drama impressions of her and our parents did too.🤣 When I was first told I was pre hypertensive years ago I just though... oh damn I got the drama disease. I didn't do research or anything which I know better that I should have because my family doesn't take anything seriously. Well turns out it's no laughing matter and I can seriously die!

During all of my migraine testing and treatment they put me on high blood pressure medicine to rule hypertension out for being the reason for my migraines. Hypertension turned out not to be the reason but I had a new problem....the high blood pressure medicine made me miserable. You could slap me in the face hard and I wouldn't have felt it. I couldn't feel anything. My body felt numb and dead. They had taken my wine from me, I had already stopped my cannabis consumption long before that and now they had taken my sex life too! It had me on the edge of depression. I was like Awwww Hell Naw! So I did what I always do and fell into research looking for a solution to get off of those meds. There was a lot of trial and error and a lot of tears but I finally found a way. It takes a whole lot more discipline and commitment going the ayurvedic way and honestly a pill is easier but I refuse to live my life in a perpetual state of numbness physically and mentally. Unfortunately for many of us life threatening circumstances or valuable losses is the only thing that motivates us to change and some people are so stubborn they will still chose death and loss over bettering themselves.

The truth is we are going to change rather we like it or not but we have a chance to chose rather we want that change to be for the good or the bad. I have seriously seen memes and quotes that say things about it being exhausting to be constantly working on yourself all the time; and I think to myself... that's so ignorant because even if you don't decide to better yourself it's still going to be work but it's going to be a worst situation. Life is going to be hard rather you want to be good at it or not and if I'm going to be struggling at it anyway it makes more since to be going in a direction I want to go instead of drifting along waiting for my next downfall that I likely self induced.

New year new me is a myth we become someone new over and over again and if we want to we can decide who and what we become. We are all forever changing until we are just dust. Start small and grow your dreams into the life you want to live. Happy New Year Everyone and Cheers to Positive growth and success. 

Hope on red wings

 There's a small tree outside my window and during the winter months a group of cardinals gather there. I would not have ever noticed if it wasn't for the pecking at my window that has awakened me a few rare times in the morning. I make a note of it in my journal everytime it happens. It's only been 3 times. Twice last year and once this year so far. All of the times it has happened I went to bed late and in my feelings with worry and confusion and woke up earlier than I expected to the knocks on my window.
The winter months tend to bring the blues out of some of us. For me it's the melancholy weather and the energy of Christmas can sometimes be overwhelming that makes me feel im in a world of my own. For the most part I am and have grone very accustomed to it. I'm grateful to have my husband and children with me but my circle used to be a lot bigger and my holidays used to be grander. I've come to understand that bigger and grander does not equal better. Lots of people gets noisy and conflict overshadows and breaks down Chrismas spirit into things you spend the rest of your life trying to forget. Being alone in a crowded room is always more uncomfortable than being alone with yourself. I used to be one of those people that sent everyone I know a Christmas card, make homemade gifts and turn my house into a Christmas wonderland. None of that stuff seem to make a difference or brought the love and closeness I longed for from my relationships with people.... Eventually I would find myself sitting on the floor trying to get old Christmas lights to work thinking of my Poppo screaming at the wrestling Chrismas special with my Step dad laughing while they drank beers. I would give some days of my life away to just be a fly on the wall back in that moment watching them interact for my entertainment. Back in the day at my Granny's house we would play spades and drink while my mom and aunt's cooked, and all the children watched Christmas movies late into the night. Those days have passed now and my husband being white causes all kinds of hurtful problems so we don't even feel welcomed there anymore. It's just us four now and we have managed to make our own traditions and build our own holiday cheer. Each time the cardinals came to me I felt down the night before just thinking about my family and things that will never be again. The cardinals cleared the heaviness from my heart and reminded me that I am loved and watched over by my Bubba and my Poppo. It won't be that easy for all of us to come out of the winter blues but for those of us that want to find hope sometimes it's in the syncronitcity around you. Maybe it's a bird at your window, waking up at 5.55 or hearing that right song at the right time. Sometimes finding hope only requires that we pay attention. 

I'm Good Today and optimistic for tomorrow

I woke up feeling amazing this morning. I'm grateful for it because I have been in a mood for a little while now and completely overlooking my blessings. We all do that sometimes and the very thing we complain about now we live to wish we would have appreciated later. I'm tired of wishing for moments I forgot to live and enjoy.
The past year my life has changed in ways I never imagined it would. I look back to my old self now and then for reference points to find a grip on myself but my past self has no answers. I remember my old self so well and yet I admit I sometimes miss my old shell because I don't quite feel my current self is as tailored as I would like to feel.
Change is very hard regularly but we do better when change just happens to us against our will because we have no choice but to adjust. Changing with purpose takes the same strength but requires courage and bravery on top of the rest of the struggle. Courage and bravery need extreme amounts of will power and determination and somedays I just don't have it and I finally understand that that's okay. I get so frustrated I want to just shatter into a fit of rage and drown into pool of tears. Rage is usually counterproductive and anger is just a mad mask for pain we want to suppress. Drowning in self pity feelings sorry for myself or hunting down someone to throw the blame at won't build a better me either. So.... I've just had to sit with myself and rest and reevaluate what it is I want to do and why. I don't feel the same way I used to feel when I started all of this. I don't even care about the same things I used to care about. It's been pressure because I sometimes feel like I have to keep doing what I've been doing because it's what people expect...... but Hell No! I refuse to ever live my life ever again for the expectations of people. I don't want be known by everyone. I just want to help people that struggle like I do and understand my vibe. As I get closer to my purpose and grow into my current evolution I have begun to feel lighter again so I am harnessing it and expressing it in a way to grow it. It's not easy at all to do but the way I do it is by keeping a rational mind and focus my energy on my goals. I can be sad today if I feel like it or mad tomorrow but I will not stay there and make it a lifestyle or character trait. I will not create dialogue in my mind against myself or others. If I do I remind myself I'm only human and the same for everyone else. We all make mistakes, we all back slide or stumble along the way through out our journey. We aren't all bad and we aren't all good. Even if we have done the best things we can turn the tide with the worst decisions. The worst things are eventually forgotten and everything only last a day even if the consequences last a life time we can chose to be triumphant and change our stars. We are all only as good as we decide to be today.