Let's just be honest..... Being different sucks. It's not as cool as people think it is and it's alot to get used to. I'm an outcast of my extended family. I open my mouth and their heads start to tilt while puzzlement takes their faces. I tried really hard and pretended to be something I thought that they could love but that wasn't good for me. I spent much of my childhood alone escaping my life of feeling empty into books looking for characters like me to inspire me to accept myself.
It took too long to learn to accept myself.... I've lost years I can never get back so I won't wait for someone to see my worth and appreciate me. I'm not going out of my way to prove I'm worthy anymore either. I have learned to move on without resentment or anger about it because for all I know maybe it's the same for them. I practice staying in a state of acceptance of what is and not what I wish for it to be. I don't want anyone stressing about how to understand me and it's too late to want to get to know me now because I have responsibilities to the family I've made for myself. I realize that the way my family has evolved we just don't have the building blocks or the emotional stability to be better together so I don't blame them for the way things are. Unfortunately for us all we just never came together right. Generations of teenagers for parents from broken abusive homes does not build beautiful family structures. It's not easy being so different from them but I believe that I'm supposed to be because it's my job to break the cycle and build a family that knows how to love. I'm going to focus all my energy on being honest with myself and living in my truth.
The reason I'm so candid about my life experiences is because I have had to deny to myself what's happened to me so that I could be strong the way my family always enforced that I be. It did make me strong but also hardened me because I never had a safe place to share my pain. I've been drowning inside on my past mistakes, traumas and wishing for things that will never be. I don't blog about any of this for sympathy, I do it because it liberates me and I feel better for doing so. It sets me free from the shame of my past mistakes and hardships to share my stories. Shame is an enemy that whispers to you in the dark that everyone sees your tainted even when your not we are all only human. Long before I ever opened my mouth or applied words to a page I've felt like the whole word watched me burn contently appreciating my torture because shame made me believe it. I refuse to be harassed or controlled by my shame or my past trauma anymore. I am not afraid to be criticized, spoken negatively about,or being rejected by anyone anymore. So I speak my own truth and I set myself free from the burdens I've kept reliving over and over again.
