Capable of Anything

So far it's been a really chill and rewarding summer for me dispite all the crazy going on in the world right now.
I've appreciated this time alone during quarantine and social distancing to really think and reflect on my past and plan for my future the right way.
I've been through a lot but I feel so greatful for it because it's provided me the resilience to get through a whole lot more flawlessly. I've begun to notice that although I am affected by these major changes in the world I am not responding the way many people are. I am not scared and not worried either. I am just waiting and constantly preparing for the worst the way I always have. I would like to hear that they found a cure for the virus and that the world is better than it was before; but if they say it's all going to hell and we are about to live like Mad Max I've got an outfit for that too.
During all this what I've learned is there is so much value in being alone because it's the only way to properly discover yourself and your true potential. I have realized that when I have too much outside interference it is much harder for me to express myself creatively because of all the outside opinions flowing in. I don't really discuss with anyone what I do in this career, the branches of this kind of work or how it works because everyone is a critic and thinks they know what other people should do with their life. However people still come with their 2 cents. Anytime I tell someone what I do they always have a suggestion without realizing that what I do has to solely reflect who I am and what's important to me because that's how artistic expression works. This is the kind of job that very quickly will sweep your whole image up in a direction you may not want to go if you don't steer it with authenticity of who you actually are.
Being alone has cleared me of the clutter that is other people's views. I thought I had found all of my confidence but when it came to people I know I still had a lot of fear associated with how I would be received. I didn't even know I had things I still needed to release until I would get in front of the camera all prepped up on my research and ready to go and then suddenly I couldn't move and couldn't speak. It reminded me of my first grade Christmas play the only school function my Mom ever made it to. I was so excited for her to come but when I saw her in the audience I completely froze up. All the other kids sang and smiled and I stood there and just put my head down. I was afraid that she wouldn't be proud or worst indifferent. I didn't see how that moment spread through out my life and how it was still holding me back from being who I was meant to be. Strangers that read blogs know me better than my whole family. I was always too afraid of what they would say or what they would think because nothing I had ever done was good enough for them to celebrate and I was the difficult child because I was "too sensative" so I kept my head in the sand. The way I over came that fear not to long ago is I heard something really fucked up about myself through my family's grapevine that made me laugh so hard I cried happy tears. I thought to myself damn.... If they believe that then I am free to do anything . I can get in front of that camera and act a complete fool if I want to. I've become comfortable with being the wild card weirdo because they actually believe I'm capable of anything and even though it's not in a positive way capable of anything is better than capable of nothing.

I don't think any of us are actually who we are meant to be until we find our own way in the world and create our own identity. We must all go out into the world and find our own meaning and our own motivations. I am just a fruit from a branch but I contain everything I need to grow my own tree. I am not my Mother, not my brother not my grandparents. We don't want the same things or even value the same things and that's okay because they don't belong to me no more than I belong to them . Being alone showed me I belong to myself and it's my job to create the life I want and live it. 

Into The Woods

I'm doing as well as I can be these days. Honestly I'm still sad I'm back from vacation to Colorado. I went from sleeping under a clear sky cradled in the serenity of the mountains to back home to the real world. Everytime there is a surge in racial tension I start receiving insults in my messages and comments and lots of discrimination for being married to a white man. People become hyper villigiant of the fact I'm in a interracial relationship. My children start experiencing the divide in their ethnicity and are bullied for not being dark enough or "black enough" to have an opinion on African cultural issues. It's a tricky place for me to be in because I'm very glad and I feel very proud of the steps black people are taking towards equality. However, I'm in mother bear mode right now for my family because people are acting really stupid in the world right now. Some people are seriously running up on others questioning their support ready to attack their character and platforms but proclaiming peaceful protest . There is nothing peaceful about trying to force your ideology on others. Personal growth is something that has to be personally realized through your own experience. The real truth is people that are already racist only get more racist during times like these because they have selective attention to support their racial bias. They aren't going to see all the actual peaceful protest, unity of the world and beauty of the changes. All they see is those weird videos of white people kissing black people's feet to support black lives, these crazy looters that all look black to them in the dark, and that black people think they are superior like they always have felt to begin with. What doesn't help change at all is the black people that are providing them with the fuel to fan their racist fires by seriously behaving as if they are superior because not all black people are focused on equality either.
I support what I know is right regardless of what color the truth rides in on and dispite this cause being designed with all the right efforts in mind there is a lot of fuckery going on that I do not support or agree with. I am not here to attempt to prove my "blackness" to anyone. I have been a black woman my whole life. I loved my natural hair before it got trendy when my black highschool sweetheart avoided me for wearing it that way because he was embarrassed by it. I was supporting the beauty of my blackness and the beauty in the brown skin women and men before it became a chain post.
I lead a very reclusive lifestyle because I am extremely sensitive to the emotions of others and the pain in the world .
Back in February on the 27th on Instagram I wrote:

Do you feel that? There's a scream unheard that rumbles the world. We all feel it but can't name it or tame the anxiety of the quake. Words are unspoken trapped in circling contemplation as we all hunt for the answer. Where does it come from? How is it I know how it feels without truly knowing it exist?

I wrote that before the pandemic was in America and I wasn't generally concerned with it coming here at the time because many things that start overseas never reach us. I just kept waking up with very bad anxiety sometimes crying in my sleep to a heavy sense of pain as if I could feel the world screaming and dying around me. I started feeling it before it came but I kept telling myself that I was tripping and I thought my depression was coming back. Turns out it wasn't me and to protect myself and my family I have retreated into the woods. I'm not on social media as much anymore because it's not fun anymore. My platform is moving away from just being fashionable and whimsical because I'm not feeling it. I use most of my time trying to get the most out of my life by conquering my fears and really shooting for the stars to reach my dreams before time runs out. I'm always looking really closely at my children when they are smiling so that I can remember our happy moments because I don't know where things are going and I'm afraid about what we may face in the future. 

    All in all dispite challenges I am still optimistic about the future but just incase we don't win this dangerous game of jumanji I'll remember the love I've lived and die happily complete. 

Growing through uncertainty

Life has changed for us all since the start of this pandemic and dispite a few things opening up things haven't gotten any better and in some ways it's worst. For me the days have become monotonously aggressive and boring waiting for the world to change. So I have been taking steps to change my own world.
I have been waking up at 5am most mornings. I drink some beet kvass to maintain my blood pressure while I play Elder Scrolls online and escape into a different world for a little while. By the time the sun comes up my husband and go hiking and or fishing. I haven't been that instrested in social media because honestly it just hasn't been realistically fitting into my current life style. When I get dressed for a photo shoot I always build it around a date with my husband or outing with my family so that it's more than just a photo for me.
Lately I have moved my efforts into my health to increase my strength and stamina so that I am prepared for the opening of the state and national parks. I want to be strong and have what it takes for a long camping trip with my family. Hiking has increased my endurance and overall has made me happier and more optimistic about the future.
I've discovered that fishing calms my anxiety and in many ways I have found it to be very much like meditation. That's both ironic and kinda funny because I was taught how to fish by my parents who are avid fishermen from a very young age and I absolutely hated it most of my life. My husband and I got so bored of sitting around the house just eating and sleeping in front of the TV that I suggested we go buy fishing licenses and gear. It's been really nice and therapeutic to see the sunrise most mornings and just sitting and watching the water ripple while the wind blows around the smell of the earth and water.
I've been so mellow and feeling so good that I finally started to record videos again. If you were wondering why I seldom post to my YouTube the secret is simply that I'm camera shy and wildly obsessive yall ! I also wasn't sure which direction I wanted to take my channel in. All I really knew is I wanted to do something to help people but I have a tendency to over think the process and then I get nervous and began to feel insecure about my abilities. All the videos I've done in the past had to have a very specific recipe of events to be executed. No one could be home, I had to already be dressed for something else because I really hate getting dressed just to get in front of a camera. My entire setup had to be ready a day ahead and nothing bad could happen or it would throw off my whole mood and I would have no motivation to move forward. There is no such thing as perfect anything or the right time. The time to do anything important to you is now no matter what is going on around you.
The state of our world is uncertain but dispite the challenges I'm greatful for how I'm growing forward and moving through personal obstacles that have always lead me to self sabotage. Though all of this the greatest lesson I have learned is that even if the world stops turning as long as there is life in my body the beat goes on and so will I because I have to. 

Recollecting Your Strength

These days just flow by so slowly that I seldom know what day it is anymore. I wake up some days anxious and full with my emotions. I think I'm okay but the slightest thing can bring me to tears. Mostly music does it to me and not the sad stuff either which is weird .... it's the happy inspirational things like when you cry in church and I suppose the optimistic hope I have inside just flows out of me. It's because I'm so extremely grateful that my children and husband are safe, we have everything we need and are together.
It's been weeks with my family together and there hasn't been even the slightest bit of tension or argument. I didn't even think that was possible for my kids. I've had the time to cook and bake new recipes so it kinda feels like Thanksgiving break everyday. I am focused only on keeping my family smiling and happy so I'm wipping out all the skills I have to make that possible; even if it means we might not fit through the door when we finally get the greenlight to go back to normal life.
Somedays my husband and I just spend the day falling asleep in front of the Netflix and other days we will spend the whole day listening to music or go for a walk in the woods. I've made the Dalgona coffee in decaf (can't have caffeine) which is amazing but no quarantinis for me that everyone is mixing up right now. I no longer drink at all..... No self righteous bullshit about it either. I wish I was lit most days like the rest of y'all but since I refuse to be on medication managing my health requires taking all other precautions seriously. It sucks too because no one should have to be sober through this situation everyday... but here I am regretfully coherent and alert.
I've started to avoid watching the news and I just read about it instead because I can't stand to see the worry and fear in the faces. My husband handles all the shopping because I'm really not interested at all in being around other people for more than just the coronavirus. The energy is so thick and uncomfortable out there I can't stand it.

    I wasn't going to post anything. I haven't been feeling up to it really and because I feel like who am I to tell anyone how to feel right now . People are too consumed with worry for themselves to even care what's going on with me. However... I'm writing anyway for myself and maybe someone who is feeling what I'm feeling to not to feel alone.
I'm so frustrated my people pleasing addiction is craving to find someone to save. I hate not being able to do more to help. There are families out there running out of money and rent and utilities are still due. There are people who have worked hard to build businesses for themselves that have no clue as to how and if they will recover. The whole world is in a state of panic and none of us know what will happen next...
I know it's a phase that will pass just as everything else does. What I fear most is the aftermath because the hardest thing to accept is that many of us will likely lose someone we know and even worst the possibility of losing someone we love.
This time on pause has really given me introspection about all the difficult things that have happened to me in the last 2 years of my life. I see now it all was ultimately preparing me for this moment.
I've been living a pretty isolated lifestyle for a while now and it's provided the clarity and happy peace I've always wanted away from empty moments. My only connections beyond my front door is my Mom and my bestfriend. I still got love and hopeful wishes for everyone else out there; but I've become honest with myself about my need for deeper connections instead of just settling for whoever will have me while their instrested. I can't be happy with surface material and people wondering vacantly in and out of my life never building solid foundations and never establishing bonds I can trust.
Since I have learned to love myself I have made the needs of my heart a priority. I won't live forever and before I die I want to have known and had what's really important to me. Through that action I have learned to see worth in myself and I have finally realized that God blessed me with smarts and resourcefulness. I've always had everything I needed to sustain and support myself I just never saw it because I was always distracted. If I had not made those changes to my life I know I would be stupid frantic in this pandemic right now. I would have wanted to run home the way I used to and go hunting down the familiar eventual let down. I have been blessed with the tools I needed to get used to being alone and strengthened by my hardships to be sufficient under pressure in order to thrive. Health is the new wealth now and luxury is the ability to wipe your own ass without getting it on your hand. Boredom has never killed anyone and there are worst places to be confined to than home.
If like me you find yourself worried and overwhelmed with stress of the unknown every few days sit with people and talk about all the times you have won when you didn't think you would. All the times you should have been dead but yet you are still here and remind yourself of your struggles so you can remember your strength. Keep your head high and have faith because we are gonna win this this thing too.

The power of belief can be enough to pull you through

I am bored like everyone else in this world wide quarantine....  I'm a regular at social distancing though just for my peace of mind. I can't wait for it to be over so things just get back to normal already. In the meantime all this extra time at home won't go to waste. I'm meditating daily, working and getting alot of things done I've been putting off for ages. Before this pandemic started I was feeling really burned out with work and was struggling to stay motivated. I was looking for a new jolt of energy to be excited and inspired again. Nothing jumpstarts my creativity and passion for my goals like the state of emergency!

Some of us fold when we are anxious and scared, but for those of us who have had to over come states of despair and emergencies through out their life this is just another day to think strategically and be crafty. Long before this pandemic the rules of life has always been the same... Only the strong will survive.

Many people are fixed to their tv screens and are so consumed by fear they aren't even seeing that we as individuals still hold all the cards. There is a elderly man I think he's in his 80s with bad health from the first corona cruise ship to be quarantined making a full recovery. The doctors thought he would die, his wife thought he would die but he stated in his interview he was determined to live no matter what. He noticed that all the others that did not make it was on respirators so he refused to take one and resorted to breathing excercises to strengthen his lungs and he pulled through like a champ. We have to stand firm even in the face of our own immortality sometimes and and let it know not today Boo!

I personally believe that the power in us all is in our belief in hope and that we can persevere. I've been in some dark places in my life but somewhere off in the distance even when I couldn't see it hope lived within me and has always pulled me through. Placebos work because we think that they will and when we belief that we are strong and capable we work better too. For those of you that are in a panic out there today I urge you to look for ways to calm your mind and find your strength. Try meditation and or prayer and be greatful for the simple and beautiful things still around us. Most of us are quarantined in family units or groups of friends so really enjoy your time with your loved ones and avoid wasting that valuable time worried in front of a television. If you notice people in your group that are anxious or scared talk about it together and build each other up so that your unit is strong. I wish you all the best of luck and I pray we all make it even though reality is clear that not all of us will.  We have to be strong to prevent our children from being scared and we have to be strong to pick up the pieces and heal those who will experience loss.

This terrible pandemic

I woke up this morning alarm clock free to the stream of light from my bed side window kissing my face. I slept really well so I feel good and optimistic about the day. Before I can decide what I will have for breakfast I lose my appetite to the reality that the world is at the mercy of the coronavirus pandemic.
Logic and history dictates that this coronavirus situation is not at all unnatural and was bound to happen eventually. There has been many viruses worse than this one to plague our world before.... The most difficult thing to accept about it is the fact that it's happening to us right now! Learning about the plague , Spanish flu, smallpox and syphilis wiping out the native Americans sounds terrible. None of us are ever walking around thinking one day it will happen to us. We are just greatful we weren't here when it happened in the past and pray we will be gone before it happens again.


I don't mind self quarantining because I'm a introvert anyway. I don't mind the economy dropping because my husband and I are extremely inventive survivalist who have conquered more uncertain times than this. I'm not worried about myself or my family getting sick and dying because we are all generally healthy. My anxiety and worry is for the loss of our Sages and those we love with struggling immunity. Unfortunately already 3 members of my extended family have the virus. I keep them in prayer along with prayer for the world.

The whole world is shaken up right now. We all have the same concerns and fears and it's manifesting in alot of negative ways. People you thought you knew are looking a mess with their prejudices, ignorance, and selfishness sticking out. It doesn't matter though because some really beautiful and positive things are happening as well. I almost cried happy inspirational tears to seeing the Italians singing on the balconies with each other. They have it pretty bad right now but they are still here with their heads up high singing songs to unite and inspire motivation through this thing. The world has not ended and will not end with this pandemic because people will always find away to come together even if they can't touch as long as we can feel. We feel each other's anxieties, emotions and fears and those of us that are strong in body and mind will always rise to support those that need us.

During these difficult times if you have the positive energy, strength or extra to help someone that needs you be the light to shine hope in places without it. Many people are afraid right now and just because you can't touch them doesn't mean you can't help.

Free Spirited Limitations

 I'm only completely inhibited and free around people I trust and that's not alot of people at all. I want to be as free as it is possible for me to be. My freedom is at the top of my list only second to my family that is the most important thing to me. I've felt too scared to be myself most of my life and became imprisoned by that fear. Naturally it set my sense of freedom very high once I began to accept myself. I have intentionally look for ways to stretch so that I can relax inside myself by finding new ways to feel freer. I have danced at drum circles around fires in the moon light and on top of tables in rennisance taverns with pirates and fairies. I have jumped off of cliffs into deep waters and floated back up to the surface . I've had actual dance battles in the club back in the day were I have danced so hard and passionately I would be drenched in sweat. I would get this high as if it was only me, swirling colors and the music. I have run naked through the woods with nothing but a sheet and boots in the morning sun. I have been the loudest person in the room. I have brought the party inside myself and shared it with my world and it all was wonderful. I have lived.
I've heard negative but fun rumors about myself that are alot more interesting than I actually am. Makes me jealous of the persona of myself that's being created. It got me thinking about all the things I would do if it was possible for me to be 100% free.
I wish I was brave enough to join a nudist society or to have been a burlesque dancer. Nudist aren't nudist to be sexy they do it to be free of a constricted society. I've always been facinated by the idea of being naked and feeling whole at the same time instead of feeling valunarable. Being naked in front of someone for the first time is terrifying. All you can think about is your every flaw and being rejected. I imagine there would be a rush of relief, love and unconditional acceptance to be only what you are and accepted because of it. How different our world would be if we had never known we were naked in the first place. We put on labels and shiny things and get farther from who we are and ironically try to define who we are by how we dress. It's that moment of seeing someone see all of you for the first time and being accepted that really matters to me. On a larger scale and non sexual I believe it would be amaze balls!

I would have liked to be a burlesque dancer because dancing has always been a passion of mine but mostly because of how clumsily and awkwardly I came into finding my sexy. I hit puberty earlier than I should have so being considered sexy was terrifying at 11. It's confusing for little girls to grow breast and hips and then be bombarded with the most ridiculous, contradicting expectations of society. They want us to be beautiful and sexy and then they want to write notes all over us to restrict it for a comfortable level for them. You can find someone beautiful and sexy easily because to someone everyone is. Once you run a beautiful sexy person through the society edits you won't be instrested in them anymore. I have always found it weird that someone could want to hide you for all the reasons they love you physically, psychologically or emotionally. I'm glad my husband isn't like that because he wouldn't be my husband. I doubt he would want me to be a burlesque dancer but I would have liked to be before I got married just for my own confidence and learning how to feel sexy in myself. Growing up in a basic christian family made me feel handicapped for being a woman. When I got into relationships with men I didn't understand the value of a womans feminine energy. I saw women as the weaker sex and felt weak for being at the mercy of men honestly. Now I understand the beauty and strength in being soft, supple , powerfully nurturing and dangerously sexy. A powerful woman can build or break an empire with the passion she radiates and inspires and that is the real reason that sex sales.

I probably will never join a nudist society or become a burlesque dancer and you know why... because even though I accept my body I don't possess that kind of high and unadulterated confidence. I wish I did and I'm admittedly jealous of people that can because I know they are riding an ultimate sky ship party and I'm not there. I'm okay with it because I'm just glad I don't hate myself and that I don't feel ugly and wrong the way I used to feel. I don't hide my body from my husband, or avoid going to the beach so people won't judge my body. I'm gonna always wish for more free but I'm not mad at where I am. I'm actually perfectly content. If I should ever feel like I've toned down to much I'll just live vicariously through my persona... she's bad ass.