The influencer

When I first started this social media thing  I was just posting selfies like all the other girls for fun and personal jumps in my self esteem. I did not expect it to grow into a business opportunities or that it could even be considered a real career. When people think of "influencers" they picture 17 to 24 year old girls with perfect bodies sticking out their lips and posing just right for their butt to look big. The media has exposed many influencers as spoiled brats with clout asking businesses for money and free merchandise and then not even completing or committing to the work required. OOOH...? I bet you probably assumed there is no work involved in just looking pretty in front of a camera! Well if you assumed that you would be wrong. There is a whole lot more to it when contracts are involved and that's not even the worst of it.... Staying relevantly marketable means you have to constantly grow your audience and stay current to be considered valuable by brands or social media careers. If you do not throughly understand how your social media platform works in detail down to each update staying current and growing is pretty much impossible. Expecially since social media sites have learned that they can make a profit by charging you to advertise to your own followers. Unfortunately influencer is a stigmatized career because those in the forefront of the business are usually still under 25 years of age and in most cases not educated in brand marketing and advertising. Many of them just want to have fun and look good in front of their peers and they do not take it seriously at all. They approach small businesses for free merchandise without professionally finding out if the business even has a budget for advertisment. They sign on with too many brands and don't meet deadlines or they never meet photo advertising requirements. It's the way it is because it's still a fairly new option in advertising and predominantly is made up of younger people with huge amounts of followers that did not plan to turn their platforms into a business in the first place. In the beginning brands chose social media influencer because it's cheaper than paying a whole team of photographers, models, hairstylist and for a shoot venue. It saved them lots of money and the naiveté of influencer was a plus as well because most of them do not know what they are worth to brands and are usually under paid. It's a crazy industry on both sides of the coin I assure you...  However, the influencer isn't going anywhere anytime soon because  it has become the necessity for advertising because social media has the most influential impact on society.

    So then there's me yall...

   I'm going to be 38 this November.  I'm a fat black girl and a mother of 2. I'm only 5'2 which is pretty much unheard of in plus size modeling who are always tall. That doesn't sound like an influencer at all does it?  I don't even have a big butt but I'm an influencer! Luckily every kind of subculture you can imagine there is an influencer for it because big business wants to reach everyone and everyone these days and in the future will be on social media.

I generally like what I do for the most part because I'm an artist at heart and I enjoy building a mood for other people to feel. I like nature and beautiful things and I absolutely adore costuming. Instagram gave me a place to showcase my creativity and tell my stories. I didn't expect it to be therapeutic both mentally and emotionally.  I didn't expect it to grow me as a person as much as it has either. In many ways becoming an influencer has positively affected my life and I am grateful for the experience. I have discovered that I can do great things with and for myself I had never believed in the past I have true potential for.  I have met many people who get me with the same interests and thoughts and feelings as I, after feeling like an outcast majority of my life. It has mostly been good to me but there is a dark side as well. 

      The worst dark side for me is stalkers. I have been sexually assaulted in my past long before I became an influencer. I had a gun pushed into my back before by a man I didn't even know at my job as a front desk attendant at a hotel and I have dealt with crazy men my whole life. So naturally I am not comfortable with being stalked because I know first hand it can be seriously dangerous. Sometimes I don't feel safe and the higher I climb in this career the more terrifying it becomes. It's the reason I don't post photos of my children anymore on my page and the reason I avoid large crowds and being noticed in public. I receive loads of messages everyday from people that can start off nice with compliments and support but the moment they aren't getting the attention they want from you or you tell them they have gone too far and have to set boundaries they become abusive and threatening and will troll you and try to hurt your career. I have had to learn the valuable lessons that friends and fans are not the same thing. Fans don't see you as your true yourself. They see you as a fantasy and they impose unreasonable expectations on you from their delusions. They began to think that just because they have read all your blogs and saw all your photos that they actually know you and understand you better than you know and understand yourself. They start to believe that just because they complimented you that you owe them something in return and will try and guilt trip and manipulate you to get what they want. Admiration and attention is not all that it's cracked up to be under the surface. Admiration can turn sour on a dime and calling attention to yourself always brings alot of negative attention with it. I have always known that but it's a whole other thing to experience first hand. 

   There's other things that suck too like people pretending to be brands trying to scam you. People stealing my photos of my husband and I to advertise dating sites or putting your photos on porn hubs. I've had people try and steal my whole identity and make a new page with my photos and catfish people.... smh... that was by far the funniest. 

    For those of you that think you may want to try this influencer thing I encourage you to go for it but please invest in marketing knowledge and research so you don't get used by brands or scams out there. For your safety never take photos of where you live, or your car with your plates showing. Don't post your location until after you leave that location. Don't take any brand deals that want you to buy something from them first. 

Being an influencer is and can be a dream job. You get invited to places often and sometimes companies will reach out to you for influencer trips to exotic locations. You get a ton of free stuff as well but don't get hooked on that if you want a pay check. It's great for those who has a creative talent of any kind to showcase to the world and it can take you far if you stay on top of educating yourself and learn as many avenues as possible so that one day you can transition out. Because like most advertising and entertainment careers it's extremely demanding work to have to constantly  put yourself out there in the limelight every single day. As you cultivate your audience learn to dream bigger and come up with things completely independent from someone else's brand and make your own. Start an online business, write a book or use all those social media marketing management skills you have learned and run someone else's social media business. There are tons of opportunities out there for influencers that doesn't require you to ever post your face in public.

         

  

Apologize to yourself for all the apologies you waited for

I used to believe that everyone will change into something better with time and experience. I waited in my heart to be rescued and resolved of my past pain. I fantasized about apologies that never came and I would wrap myself worth into it when they failed to manifest. I felt unloved and down on myself thinking I wasn't good enough to be given explanations or an apology. 

Growing up my Mom would tell me that my feelings didn't matter because feelings change. So for most of my life everything I felt that hurt me I ruled out as invalid and even though I was crazy for having feelings at all. I pushed my feelings away and waited to feel differently than I did because I believed I was just gonna mature and arive to a place where it would magically change because I was older. I found out the most difficult way that she was right about how feelings changed but wrong about how they did. 

I stayed so bottled up that it poisoned me into a prison of depression most of my life with unresolved pain. The feelings left unexpressed and unacknowledged ate through me like acid completely weakening my spirit and self esteem. I actually believed her and I would gaslight myself into believing that maybe I was wrong or misinterpreted my experiences because if I could be the blame then I could bring myself peace. To this day when someone hurts me I always blame myself because I need to find control to help myself process it. In the past I would verbally abuse myself by calling myself stupid and weak. 

Today I am not harsh and uncompassionate with myself but I still root back to my desions and illusions of what I thought it was to pin point the red flags I should have taken more seriously. I had to learn that the only person that was ever going to rescue me was myself and the only apology I was ever going to get would have to come from me as well. I've learned that not everyone grows up to a positive place from their experiences because some are too difficult to grow into good from. Many people grow into stone walls and lack the capacity to express their truest emotions so its no wonder they can't acknowledge the the feelings of others. If we don't have an example of how to love we fall short in how to show it to those we could have had loving connections with. I know better to wait for anyone to resolve or validate the way I feel and expecting it give someone else too much control of my life. I know now it wasn't because I wasn't loved. I just expected it from people that were deeply damaged themselves that knew nothing about love but pain. 

My only regret is that I had been living in an illusion for so long. If I had known sooner I might have found some kind of happiness alot sooner than I did in my younger years. One of the worst things any of us can do is wait for those that have been our source of pain to see it or acknowledge it at all because they seriously aren't paying attention to how you feel. The reason why is they are too consumed with pride and personal protection that prevents them from making a move to show you love. No matter how many times they may have reduced or rejected you they are not willing to risk being rejected by you. It's not because you aren't important, it's not be you aren't beautiful, it's not because you aren't deserving of compassion.... It's because someone did the same thing to them and deep inside they are so broken that they aren't able to humble themselves to take anymore risk with their heart....  not even for you. It wasn't until I learned to sympathize with those that hurt me that I learned to move on and love them from a safe distance. You can't be too close because hurt people don't know how not to hurt people, expecially people they actually love. 

Stop waiting and take control of your destiny now.  Your life is yours and that's why it's so important to learn to love yourself because in the end it's up to you to to set yourself free from dead end cycle of waiting for someone else to see you as valuable.

What doesn't kill you makes you stronger

It seems as if every post I read on instagram lately are all the same theme. We all are so over this pandemic shit and cannot wait for it to end. Some of us are depressed about it and over flowing with anxiety. Some of us like myself is just absurdly impatient and waiting. I think one of my worst character traits is how impatient I am. I hate to wait for anything and the longer I do it bleeds into negative intrusive thoughts that overshadows all the ways that I am blessed. I am grateful that I am conscious of it so that I can call myself out and be accountable for controlling those thoughts. We all are affected some of us far worst than others. It's not comforting in anyway to know that it can be worst; then guilt sets in when you witness the tired and sunken eyes of those that are struggling to keep from being homeless and feed their families. Alot of us are just bored and drowning in stagnation. I will admit reluctantly but accept that I am one of those people.
On my ungratefully impatient days I am frustrated with this small house, mad about the heat that has always been in Texas and annoyed by my own children arguing. It takes a great deal of mind power to confront myself and see the silver lining. My children are safe and healthy enough to give each other a hard time. This small house has allowed me to get my family financial stability and improved my credit for a brighter future to give my children what I have never had. I sometimes have to sit my youngest down who hasn't been able to play with his friends and hardly leaves the house and say to him all the truths that I too are struggling to deal with. My best friend has a second son that I have yet to know or even set eyes on. I had so intently planned to be there to share the experience with her. I can afford to actually go now and my presence is a health threat that both of us are too concerned with to risk. I put all of my effort into my work because I feel like much of my youth was wasted with distractions instead of being committed to bettering myself. I've never been more focused in my entire life than I am now. After my last near death experience who I used to be did not survive that crash. It's been 2 years ago now and I have finally accepted that she is gone but I still have not gotten used to myself but I'm content with my results. I have learned to protect my energy and I don't give myself away to what's too far to reach and what cannot exchange the energy that I know is required for me to be invested. I only crave what I can bring in close enough to truly feel and trust because I need all of my energy to propel myself farward to my dreams that I once was too afraid to even reach for. I hate this pandemic like everyone else does but I have to admit in many ways it has replaced alot of the time I have lost over the years when I was too broken to even have bright aspirations.
I think the best thing we all can do right now is dare to dream bigger and be honest with ourselves about who we were before this began and ask ourselves if we were truly satisfied. Sometimes we must be reduced and reshaped by tragedy and difficulty to build better versions of ourselves. I think this pandemic is just like my car accident but for the world. As horrible as it is out there the good changes are building a different world for us all. I suspect that many will get lost and descend beneath the rubble but those of us that survive will be stronger and better that it all happened. 

Forgive Who you were

When I was younger the only thing I ever really cared about was love. While everyone else was fantasizing about what they would be when they grow up I was thinking like a stereotypical 1940s teenage girl. It's why I was married with a baby at 18 years. I just desperately wanted to be loved by someone and have family that wanted me so I set out to make a family of my own. I assumed my life would be perfect when I found someone to love me and then everything else would just fall into place. My obsession with love was the beginning of my hardships and let downs. I learned that love isn't waiting for anyone and that most of us have a really messed up perception about what it truly is. 

The first lie I learned about love is that love conquers all. That lie lead me to believe that all I had to do is love harder and stronger with everything in me and that it would magically fix everything that's wrong. Love does not fix unhealthy people and in many ways it can make them worst because they will use your love against you. That lie is the reason lots of people remain in abusive relationships. In reality all that person learns is that you have no boundaries and that they can do anything to you and that you will take it because you are emotionally invested in them.  Instead of getting better they get worst because they will keep upping the abuse to find your breaking point while they build their ego around your love.

The second lie about love is love hurts.
What makes this a damaging belief is many people assume from this belief that love is supposed to hurt and so they sacrifice themselves to hurtful relationships because they think that their love has been confirmed real because they are in pain. The truth is love does not hurt it's people that hurt. We just can't let go of hurtful abusive people because we love them and nothing about that is romantic. I used to really believe because of that saying that love was supposed to hurt. I thought I was getting the rite of passage into love and would try to prove my love through my pain because of it. When I look back at all the things I allowed to happen to me to prove my love through pain I began to grieve for my younger self and experience feelings of worthlessness all over again . I have found it difficult to forgive myself for being too trusting and naively optimistic in my view of how people actually are. I was one of those people like all young people are without experience to support my beliefs that thought I knew where I was headed. The future higher self of us all lay waiting and judging us all very harshly for being wrong about what life is truly about and who we actually are.

I think it's the biggest problem for all of us middle aged people. We finally reach the age where we have the battle scars to prove that we are finally adults and we don't arrive to it happily. Now mostly all we do now is beat up on ourselves because we are still trying to work our way out of the hardships of our youth's decisions. We think, " damn! If had I been smarter or if I had been wiser." We live to cringe all the things we were so confidently ignorant about before.
I've gone through a lot but by far the hardest thing I believe I have done is learned how to forgive myself for not being who I thought I was and forgiving myself for mistakes I made when I truly didn't know any better. Learning the hard way knocks us off of our ego. It feels like an endless fall but we eventually crash into awareness shapeless and valunarably malleable ready to accept that we were wrong and for the first time in our life's being wrong feels right. We become anxious and proud to say that we don't know about something because it's easier to be incorrect about a state a mind in our assumptions than it is to prove that you are right with your life.

We have to forgive ourselves for who we used to be because our mistakes are a rite of passage into maturity to shape us into the best version of ourselves. If you have gotten far enough to learn through your own madness it's time to see it as a bage of honor. I used to have this friend that would tell me wild and embarrassing stories about her life and I would walk away thinking I would never have told people that about me . That was back when was still wrapped up in how other people saw me. Today I look back at her stories and I understand now through my own experiences that sometimes we can survive something so grim and difficult we want to shout it to the world because we are still surprised that we lived through it. I can tell people I have wanted to die and all the reasons why I did because I made it through and I have no shame in sharing my experience especially if it can teach someone else that those difficult things are possible to live through.

If you should find yourself today or tomorrow reflecting on who you were and the mistakes you made and you feel sad and regretful just close your eyes and wrap your arms around yourself and say despite what I have been I am better today by choice and will be even better tomorrow as I continue to grow forward.

Capable of Anything

So far it's been a really chill and rewarding summer for me dispite all the crazy going on in the world right now.
I've appreciated this time alone during quarantine and social distancing to really think and reflect on my past and plan for my future the right way.
I've been through a lot but I feel so greatful for it because it's provided me the resilience to get through a whole lot more flawlessly. I've begun to notice that although I am affected by these major changes in the world I am not responding the way many people are. I am not scared and not worried either. I am just waiting and constantly preparing for the worst the way I always have. I would like to hear that they found a cure for the virus and that the world is better than it was before; but if they say it's all going to hell and we are about to live like Mad Max I've got an outfit for that too.
During all this what I've learned is there is so much value in being alone because it's the only way to properly discover yourself and your true potential. I have realized that when I have too much outside interference it is much harder for me to express myself creatively because of all the outside opinions flowing in. I don't really discuss with anyone what I do in this career, the branches of this kind of work or how it works because everyone is a critic and thinks they know what other people should do with their life. However people still come with their 2 cents. Anytime I tell someone what I do they always have a suggestion without realizing that what I do has to solely reflect who I am and what's important to me because that's how artistic expression works. This is the kind of job that very quickly will sweep your whole image up in a direction you may not want to go if you don't steer it with authenticity of who you actually are.
Being alone has cleared me of the clutter that is other people's views. I thought I had found all of my confidence but when it came to people I know I still had a lot of fear associated with how I would be received. I didn't even know I had things I still needed to release until I would get in front of the camera all prepped up on my research and ready to go and then suddenly I couldn't move and couldn't speak. It reminded me of my first grade Christmas play the only school function my Mom ever made it to. I was so excited for her to come but when I saw her in the audience I completely froze up. All the other kids sang and smiled and I stood there and just put my head down. I was afraid that she wouldn't be proud or worst indifferent. I didn't see how that moment spread through out my life and how it was still holding me back from being who I was meant to be. Strangers that read blogs know me better than my whole family. I was always too afraid of what they would say or what they would think because nothing I had ever done was good enough for them to celebrate and I was the difficult child because I was "too sensative" so I kept my head in the sand. The way I over came that fear not to long ago is I heard something really fucked up about myself through my family's grapevine that made me laugh so hard I cried happy tears. I thought to myself damn.... If they believe that then I am free to do anything . I can get in front of that camera and act a complete fool if I want to. I've become comfortable with being the wild card weirdo because they actually believe I'm capable of anything and even though it's not in a positive way capable of anything is better than capable of nothing.

I don't think any of us are actually who we are meant to be until we find our own way in the world and create our own identity. We must all go out into the world and find our own meaning and our own motivations. I am just a fruit from a branch but I contain everything I need to grow my own tree. I am not my Mother, not my brother not my grandparents. We don't want the same things or even value the same things and that's okay because they don't belong to me no more than I belong to them . Being alone showed me I belong to myself and it's my job to create the life I want and live it. 

Into The Woods

I'm doing as well as I can be these days. Honestly I'm still sad I'm back from vacation to Colorado. I went from sleeping under a clear sky cradled in the serenity of the mountains to back home to the real world. Everytime there is a surge in racial tension I start receiving insults in my messages and comments and lots of discrimination for being married to a white man. People become hyper villigiant of the fact I'm in a interracial relationship. My children start experiencing the divide in their ethnicity and are bullied for not being dark enough or "black enough" to have an opinion on African cultural issues. It's a tricky place for me to be in because I'm very glad and I feel very proud of the steps black people are taking towards equality. However, I'm in mother bear mode right now for my family because people are acting really stupid in the world right now. Some people are seriously running up on others questioning their support ready to attack their character and platforms but proclaiming peaceful protest . There is nothing peaceful about trying to force your ideology on others. Personal growth is something that has to be personally realized through your own experience. The real truth is people that are already racist only get more racist during times like these because they have selective attention to support their racial bias. They aren't going to see all the actual peaceful protest, unity of the world and beauty of the changes. All they see is those weird videos of white people kissing black people's feet to support black lives, these crazy looters that all look black to them in the dark, and that black people think they are superior like they always have felt to begin with. What doesn't help change at all is the black people that are providing them with the fuel to fan their racist fires by seriously behaving as if they are superior because not all black people are focused on equality either.
I support what I know is right regardless of what color the truth rides in on and dispite this cause being designed with all the right efforts in mind there is a lot of fuckery going on that I do not support or agree with. I am not here to attempt to prove my "blackness" to anyone. I have been a black woman my whole life. I loved my natural hair before it got trendy when my black highschool sweetheart avoided me for wearing it that way because he was embarrassed by it. I was supporting the beauty of my blackness and the beauty in the brown skin women and men before it became a chain post.
I lead a very reclusive lifestyle because I am extremely sensitive to the emotions of others and the pain in the world .
Back in February on the 27th on Instagram I wrote:

Do you feel that? There's a scream unheard that rumbles the world. We all feel it but can't name it or tame the anxiety of the quake. Words are unspoken trapped in circling contemplation as we all hunt for the answer. Where does it come from? How is it I know how it feels without truly knowing it exist?

I wrote that before the pandemic was in America and I wasn't generally concerned with it coming here at the time because many things that start overseas never reach us. I just kept waking up with very bad anxiety sometimes crying in my sleep to a heavy sense of pain as if I could feel the world screaming and dying around me. I started feeling it before it came but I kept telling myself that I was tripping and I thought my depression was coming back. Turns out it wasn't me and to protect myself and my family I have retreated into the woods. I'm not on social media as much anymore because it's not fun anymore. My platform is moving away from just being fashionable and whimsical because I'm not feeling it. I use most of my time trying to get the most out of my life by conquering my fears and really shooting for the stars to reach my dreams before time runs out. I'm always looking really closely at my children when they are smiling so that I can remember our happy moments because I don't know where things are going and I'm afraid about what we may face in the future. 

    All in all dispite challenges I am still optimistic about the future but just incase we don't win this dangerous game of jumanji I'll remember the love I've lived and die happily complete. 

Growing through uncertainty

Life has changed for us all since the start of this pandemic and dispite a few things opening up things haven't gotten any better and in some ways it's worst. For me the days have become monotonously aggressive and boring waiting for the world to change. So I have been taking steps to change my own world.
I have been waking up at 5am most mornings. I drink some beet kvass to maintain my blood pressure while I play Elder Scrolls online and escape into a different world for a little while. By the time the sun comes up my husband and go hiking and or fishing. I haven't been that instrested in social media because honestly it just hasn't been realistically fitting into my current life style. When I get dressed for a photo shoot I always build it around a date with my husband or outing with my family so that it's more than just a photo for me.
Lately I have moved my efforts into my health to increase my strength and stamina so that I am prepared for the opening of the state and national parks. I want to be strong and have what it takes for a long camping trip with my family. Hiking has increased my endurance and overall has made me happier and more optimistic about the future.
I've discovered that fishing calms my anxiety and in many ways I have found it to be very much like meditation. That's both ironic and kinda funny because I was taught how to fish by my parents who are avid fishermen from a very young age and I absolutely hated it most of my life. My husband and I got so bored of sitting around the house just eating and sleeping in front of the TV that I suggested we go buy fishing licenses and gear. It's been really nice and therapeutic to see the sunrise most mornings and just sitting and watching the water ripple while the wind blows around the smell of the earth and water.
I've been so mellow and feeling so good that I finally started to record videos again. If you were wondering why I seldom post to my YouTube the secret is simply that I'm camera shy and wildly obsessive yall ! I also wasn't sure which direction I wanted to take my channel in. All I really knew is I wanted to do something to help people but I have a tendency to over think the process and then I get nervous and began to feel insecure about my abilities. All the videos I've done in the past had to have a very specific recipe of events to be executed. No one could be home, I had to already be dressed for something else because I really hate getting dressed just to get in front of a camera. My entire setup had to be ready a day ahead and nothing bad could happen or it would throw off my whole mood and I would have no motivation to move forward. There is no such thing as perfect anything or the right time. The time to do anything important to you is now no matter what is going on around you.
The state of our world is uncertain but dispite the challenges I'm greatful for how I'm growing forward and moving through personal obstacles that have always lead me to self sabotage. Though all of this the greatest lesson I have learned is that even if the world stops turning as long as there is life in my body the beat goes on and so will I because I have to.