Free Spirited Limitations

 I'm only completely inhibited and free around people I trust and that's not alot of people at all. I want to be as free as it is possible for me to be. My freedom is at the top of my list only second to my family that is the most important thing to me. I've felt too scared to be myself most of my life and became imprisoned by that fear. Naturally it set my sense of freedom very high once I began to accept myself. I have intentionally look for ways to stretch so that I can relax inside myself by finding new ways to feel freer. I have danced at drum circles around fires in the moon light and on top of tables in rennisance taverns with pirates and fairies. I have jumped off of cliffs into deep waters and floated back up to the surface . I've had actual dance battles in the club back in the day were I have danced so hard and passionately I would be drenched in sweat. I would get this high as if it was only me, swirling colors and the music. I have run naked through the woods with nothing but a sheet and boots in the morning sun. I have been the loudest person in the room. I have brought the party inside myself and shared it with my world and it all was wonderful. I have lived.
I've heard negative but fun rumors about myself that are alot more interesting than I actually am. Makes me jealous of the persona of myself that's being created. It got me thinking about all the things I would do if it was possible for me to be 100% free.
I wish I was brave enough to join a nudist society or to have been a burlesque dancer. Nudist aren't nudist to be sexy they do it to be free of a constricted society. I've always been facinated by the idea of being naked and feeling whole at the same time instead of feeling valunarable. Being naked in front of someone for the first time is terrifying. All you can think about is your every flaw and being rejected. I imagine there would be a rush of relief, love and unconditional acceptance to be only what you are and accepted because of it. How different our world would be if we had never known we were naked in the first place. We put on labels and shiny things and get farther from who we are and ironically try to define who we are by how we dress. It's that moment of seeing someone see all of you for the first time and being accepted that really matters to me. On a larger scale and non sexual I believe it would be amaze balls!

I would have liked to be a burlesque dancer because dancing has always been a passion of mine but mostly because of how clumsily and awkwardly I came into finding my sexy. I hit puberty earlier than I should have so being considered sexy was terrifying at 11. It's confusing for little girls to grow breast and hips and then be bombarded with the most ridiculous, contradicting expectations of society. They want us to be beautiful and sexy and then they want to write notes all over us to restrict it for a comfortable level for them. You can find someone beautiful and sexy easily because to someone everyone is. Once you run a beautiful sexy person through the society edits you won't be instrested in them anymore. I have always found it weird that someone could want to hide you for all the reasons they love you physically, psychologically or emotionally. I'm glad my husband isn't like that because he wouldn't be my husband. I doubt he would want me to be a burlesque dancer but I would have liked to be before I got married just for my own confidence and learning how to feel sexy in myself. Growing up in a basic christian family made me feel handicapped for being a woman. When I got into relationships with men I didn't understand the value of a womans feminine energy. I saw women as the weaker sex and felt weak for being at the mercy of men honestly. Now I understand the beauty and strength in being soft, supple , powerfully nurturing and dangerously sexy. A powerful woman can build or break an empire with the passion she radiates and inspires and that is the real reason that sex sales.

I probably will never join a nudist society or become a burlesque dancer and you know why... because even though I accept my body I don't possess that kind of high and unadulterated confidence. I wish I did and I'm admittedly jealous of people that can because I know they are riding an ultimate sky ship party and I'm not there. I'm okay with it because I'm just glad I don't hate myself and that I don't feel ugly and wrong the way I used to feel. I don't hide my body from my husband, or avoid going to the beach so people won't judge my body. I'm gonna always wish for more free but I'm not mad at where I am. I'm actually perfectly content. If I should ever feel like I've toned down to much I'll just live vicariously through my persona... she's bad ass.

In the company of the sick

If you haven't heard there was a cruise ship that was quarantined from Japan due to an outbreak of the coronavirus. I have prayed daily for those on board. They have been sent back to their nations and placed in a new quarantine. In an article from the Washington post a woman described the cruise as a floating penitentiary because they were not allowed to leave their rooms to prevent the spread of the virus.
It got me to thinking about how a virus is very much like negative energy. Those people went on vacation with the intention to live their best life's docking in exotic places, eating good food and drinking mixed drinks with umbrellas in them. One sick person has spread the virus to almost 300 people. Everyone is fearful and they have taken all the precautions to keep themselves from contacting the virus. I'm sure those people were doing everything recommended to them to stay healthy along with being extra careful not to touch anything or breath too deeply. It doesn't matter though because when a virus is in the very air you breath you won't avoid being affected. Even if you don't get infected your life is limited because you have to confine yourself to avoid being contaminated. Being confined is torture enough.....
Think for a minute how you felt the last time you were surrounded by negative energy. When you are in a space where people are ridiculed and all the subjects around you is negative in nature you don't feel safe. As a child I hid in my room to avoid being debased. As an adult I pack up altogether and leave any situation I'm not comfortable in because hiding doesn't keep you from being affected. When there is no safe place to relax into being yourself you simply lock up inside yourself and your life is negatively impacted just like those people on that cruise. You have to hide yourself and it stuns all the beauty and creativity you where meant to share with the world. When you feel sad there is no one you can trust to share it with. When you feel happy you fear sharing that as well because you fear that your happiness will be picked apart to shreds like Cinderella's dress when she happily showed her sisters and step mother.

Hiding is not coping. Hiding is a symptom that you have already been affected.
It's not natural to get used to hiding everything that you are. Many of us become accustomed to it because we are trying to avoid getting hurt by those we have learned will hurt us but we max it out and extend that energy to everyone... even those that do love us. It will hurt your friends who go out of their way to try to show they love you. It will hurt your children because they will be robbed of being nurtured emotionally and feeling safe with you. It will hurt your romantic relationship because you don't know how to give of yourself. Without even noticing it's you who have become the negativity you have been desperately trying to avoid and protect yourself from. It becomes a curse and just like a virus it spreads into your lineage and infects generations of different versions of you. Worst of all the ones you wish you had protected because their yours that came from you. The world can be a painful place but we must love something important enough to protect it and provide for it the love and nurturing it deserves.

I admit I was affected. I grew up where sarcasm and insults take a front seat while inspiring hope, love of one self ,and faith in your ability went out the window. It prepped me for a never ending fight and I lived in constant defense of myself even long after I was on my own. Too early in my life I had began to feel that life was only suffering. Today I finally understand that suffering is what happens when we can't let go of the rope that is tearing the skin from our hands and wrist. When we can't let go of what's been said about us that shrink our souls. When we can't let go of what's been done to us to dampen our spirits. We hold on to abuse, neglect and ridicule believing that we have won when we stop responding to it and we go numb. Truly it's a sign that we have lost the ability to respond accordingly to ourselves and our own emotional needs.

My husband and his children from his first marriage healed me from blocking my emotions in a crash course of being overly clingy and running wild and rampant with their emotions. It was like everyday someone was crying and talking about their feelings and being all over me constantly like I was a body pillow. I was so annoyed and overwhelmed but they pushed me to accept the love until one day I cracked. It came out angry at first and then I burst into the most relieved tears I've ever cried my whole life. They have all grown up now with lives of their own. I miss them saying I love you a thousand times a day for no reason, and the way we would fall asleep on the couch watching movies huddled together. It was hard being a step mother to someone else's kids with a prejudice mother... but I wouldn't trade the experience for the world because they saved me and in doing so saved my children as well from having an emotionally absent mother. Many of us are sick because we grew out of sick places filled with negative energy. If you really want to free yourself just let someone love you and be thankful enough to give it back and start allowing yourself to feel again. When we don't allow ourselves to feel life is an old black and white tv. Don't you want high definition HD color? Let that shit go.

Love. The torture worth fighting for

Love is a scary thing. We all want it even those of us that do everything in our power to avoid it out of fear. We're scared because we can't control it. Love will make you doubt your every thought and over analyze your actions. Even when I hug my children I get this feeling as if I'm falling and I feel light headed like I'm not getting enough oxygen to my brain. It feels really good knowing that they are mine but terrifying that they aren't immortal and can be hurt or lost to me.
I don't see love the way most people do. I think most people see it as an opposite to hate and bad but I believe love is a force far greater than good or bad because it has the ability to rule them both. For my children I am capable of great and horrifyingly terrible things if it means keeping them from harm. I don't have a limit and there is nothing that I can say that I wont do if it came to it for them. I'm willing to sacrifice myself completely for them. If it had not been for my children I'm not sure I would have ever learned to love with my complete self at all.
What makes love so scary is the surrender. You have to take a risk of confessing your heavy desperation for someone. It seriously hurts to contain love in secret. It's like your every exhale wants to blurt out I want you and can't live without you! Most of us don't do it though do we.... We swallow it down like burning bile provoking nausea in our stomach that spreads into our soul. I cannot count the times I have held back my affections and tortured my soul with secret loves in the past. That was until I first experienced romantic love reciprocated. It's sad for me to say that out of all the romantic connections I have had in my life the only man I can say without a doubt in my mind loved me back is my current husband. I have had men appreciate my love for them, infatuated with my body and what I can do for their egos, or their pockets but few real and honest loves. Well there was one guy friend I had reciprocated love with. I loved him so much I wanted him around forever so I wouldn't take the risk of being together then breaking up and losing him. I lost him anyway because he couldn't handle not loving me the way he really wanted to. I'm still glad it didn't happen though because I would rather it never happened at all than have him become a victim of someone too damaged at the time to love him the way he deserved properly. When I did start trying to love better it was unhealthy because it was codependent. I would find people more messed up in the head and heart than I even was and I would try and save them. I would be everything I knew they needed and over nurture them until they became dependent on my love and affection. It was soooooo wildly unhealthy because my want to be needed created emotional vampires. I had not even learned to love myself so I was just sacrificing myself to the needs of others. I would allow the drain to the point that I always felt dead and tired inside and had nothing left to even motivate myself for the kind of life I really wanted. I have put myself out there alot!
I have looked like a damn fool quite often and you know what... I'm not mad about it or regretful! Especially coming from where I come from and going through what I've gone through! I'm proud that I still tried to love and I still believe in love. If I had given up I may have never found it.
We chose the torture in silence as an option instead of revealing our love because being rejected feels like an instant death. To want someone and not be wanted back, appreciated or even acknowledged is a blow to our existance. It feels like dying over and over again but I have to admit it's worth it.
I have learned it's better to die and be reborn after rejection than constantly swallowing regurgitated love we can't express. Holding it in keeps you sick and I can't go through life sick on love I'm too afraid to admit is there. I try very hard to throw myself in and give it all I've got if there's room for a chance. Many time I've come up short and died from my love not being wanted. I emerge from the grave a cynical rotting corpse of a person but I come back to life. Life is about risk. If we aren't willing to take a chance on failing there is no chance we will ever win. I've gotten wiser about what's worth a chance though. I'll take the first step on opening my heart and allowing my feelings to flow and if I notice the other person doesn't move I don't chase I just pack up my efforts and move on. I don't die everytime I'm rejected anymore because I've resurrected myself so many times. It's comfortable to move on confidently when you you know you truly tried. Don't give up on love yall because there is no experience better than finally finding it and having it reciprocated. I watched this documentary the other night about a couple in Germany that did not find love until they were in their 50s! I cried happy tears watching them be so beautifully content and happy. I know in this day and age it's much harder to find but if you keep looking it will find you.

Social media is not a game

When I first started gaining recognition on Instagram I started looking at it from a business perspective. I even took my closest friends off of my page and basically told them to follow at their own risk because I was ready to play the social media game to win. I didn't want them to start to believe for a second my life was candy and unicorns so it wouldn't affect our relationship. I had planned to play the superficial rainbows and lollypops way because that's what most people respond to. It's very easy to do... all you have to do is do what most everyone else is doing. Dress trendy, use current celebrity quotes, act like everyday is the best day ever and pretend to be interested in everything everyone else is intrested in. 😑🤭😖 Yea that didn't last 5 minutes!🤣 I should have known better because everything I'm made out of goes against that act. I'm a scorpio with bi polar disorder for goodness sakes! That's like dressing Eeyore up for a never ending rave. I can only lie well when I believe the lie or really want to believe it to avoid a painful truth. I can't knowing pretend anything especially happy or interested when I'm not.
I do love fashion but only fashion between 1920 to 1960s and bohemian flowy feminine wear. I am also obsessed with costuming and fantasy designs. I hated the 90s when it was the 90s and I hate this new reproduction of it in 2020 even more. I listen to mostly old music like the BeeGees, Elton John, Jason Mraz, old school R and B and 20s jazz. The only new music I'm really instrested in is vulgar dirty gritty gangster rap. The rawer the better.🤗 I love Megan thee Stallion! She's from Houston and a Texan and acts like she kills men on the side for fun while wearing stripper wear. I can't do what she's does but I dig it!  It sounds kind of odd that I walk around dressed all primp and proper like a lady in the 50s listening to gangster rap but that's just my reality. When I really want to be comfortable I dress like a new age hippy witch. What you see is what it is and what you gonna get. I don't worry about it making sense to people. As much as I love fashion I don't love it enough to talk about it everyday or advertise every company that approaches me when I don't love what they want me to sale. I have alot of clothing, jewelry, wigs and stuff..... it's all just stuff yall. On days when I'm struggling to get through the day and I'm all dolled up somehow all the stuff makes me feel sadder somehow. Fashion is fun, trends and pop culture is something to talk about to distract us from monotonous days. At the end of the day they are all things outside ourselves that we won't really enjoy if we're not happy inside. I just require more and I know there are lots of people out there that require it too. My whole life I have always been driven by my pursuit of knowledge and finding the meaning of my existence. I guess you can say I'm a true saposexual. I need someone to teach me something I don't already know or say something so wise and true that challenges my believes enough to have me flip my mind over to redisect myself again. It's why I have always been attracted to older men and my crushes have always been professor types. I get bored easily when there is no meaning behind words and the older I get the less entertained I am by what my options are out here.
I have to be true to myself and nurture my true talents and abilities . I've always been good at helping people through the hard stuff even when I didn't know how to help myself. In the past before I learned to value myself I used my talent to try and get people to value me because I wanted to feel needed and wanted by anyone that would. I don't need or even want everyone to like me now, it's too stressful to even consider attempting to please everyone. The more popular I become the more uncomfortable being a social media influencer becomes for me but I'm coping with it. I won't quit this because it holds me accountable for keeping myself in check and emotionally healthy. There are days I need the pressure to stay motivated and positive to practice what I preach. I'm extremely grateful to my true fans and I want you guys to know that you have helped me see that I am capable of great things when I doubted that I was good at anything at all.
I get asked all the time how to become a social media influencer. Along with the dick picks and guys asking for my what's app number (I don't have a what's app) the other half of my messages is people wanting to be a social media star. I promise you guys that it is not as glamorous as it seems. It starts off fun and then after a year it becomes so monotonous and heavy. It's difficult to have to refresh yourself every week. Lots of people are refreshing and repurposing themselves by the day! Brand companies are seriously out to get you to do the most for the absolute least, and everyone that doesn't understand that what you do is more than taking photos and looking pretty doesn't even take what you do seriously. Trust me it's far more serious than I ever imagined it was and to be honest if I had to do it all over again I wouldn't because I wasn't ready for the responsibility of how much of my time and my life it requires. I've finally reached the threshold where I narrowed it down to a level that doesn't overwhelm me mentally. What I appreciate the most about social media is how it grew me as a person. I didn't know what I was doing at first and I was just winging it and having fun and then it became a job. The pressure was constantly pushing me to confront myself about what I wanted. All I can really do comfortably that I won't get bored with is help people and be honest about who I am so that is what I do. For those of you that really want to do this this is my advice to you.
1. come as you are.
You are going to attract both positive and negative attention no matter what you are doing but if you are being true to yourself it's easier to deal with. People have millions of examples of what fake looks like. They will see right through your bullshit if you pretend to be someone you're not. What's worst is pretending to be someone else at any time for any reason even actors will tell you that it can be damaging to your authentic self over time and cause depression. No amount of money or recognition is worth being miserable for.

2. Do what you are good at and passionate about even if it's not common.... especially if it's not common.
A few good people who are faithful to your cause is better than thousands who just follow you so you will follow them. An influencer is about your faithful audience not your pretend audience. The more real you are to your unique talents the more people you find that truly value you because you are like minded with them. Finding your tribe is in my opinion the best thing about social media. It feels good to know you are not alone and there are people that understand you.

3. If you don't love and enjoy what you are doing enough to do it only for yourself then I dont think this is for you at all. The numbers are up and down. People will come and go and you must remain unfazed and loving what you are doing anyway. You cannot get too emotional attached to followers to the point you are negatively affected if they go. You may form connections you really want to keep forever and they can decide to stop following you if you eat meat and they go vegan. Most people are committed to what they like reflected about themselves. The moment they see something they dont want to see that doesn't fit their vision of what they have decided to believe you are they are gone and you have to be okay with that.

4. Do not respond to negative attention!
You better have a thick skin because people will come at you with ridiculousness. It's a waste of energy to be fighting people everyday that you don't even know that are trying to get you to participate in nonsense. I've gotten so used to this it's taught me grace and patience so well I don't even fight with people I do know anymore. Use your energy towards your goals .If you get a troll in social media world that's a signal that you are doing something right. A troll is really a super fan that is so thirsty for your attention that they are dedicated to make time for stalking you everyday. You must learn to be greatful for them it's a milestone and a reality that just comes with the job.

5. Do not allow money and fame to shape you against who you actually are, what you stand for and have been telling your audience about you. If you are body positive and you start selling diet pills be prepared to fall hard. Fame is like the Aztec Gods... it will lift you up and shower you in riches and then cut out your heart for sacrifice and throw your body over a cliff. Social media seems like a game but a bad move can ruin your real life. Even those pretending to be someone they aren't are still real people behind the mask and real people find away to affect each other.

6. Social media is not just for fun it's a billion dollar business. If you really want to be an influencer invest in business classes and educating yourself so you can be prepared to defend yourself against those out to just use you. Brands will throw free clothing at you while they pay others that know the business and get what they deserve.

Your truth will set you free

Let's just be honest..... Being different sucks. It's not as cool as people think it is and it's alot to get used to. I'm an outcast of my extended family. I open my mouth and their heads start to tilt while puzzlement takes their faces. I tried really hard and pretended to be something I thought that they could love but that wasn't good for me. I spent much of my childhood alone escaping my life of feeling empty into books looking for characters like me to inspire me to accept myself.
It took too long to learn to accept myself.... I've lost years I can never get back so I won't wait for someone to see my worth and appreciate me. I'm not going out of my way to prove I'm worthy anymore either. I have learned to move on without resentment or anger about it because for all I know maybe it's the same for them. I practice staying in a state of acceptance of what is and not what I wish for it to be. I don't want anyone stressing about how to understand me and it's too late to want to get to know me now because I have responsibilities to the family I've made for myself. I realize that the way my family has evolved we just don't have the building blocks or the emotional stability to be better together so I don't blame them for the way things are. Unfortunately for us all we just never came together right. Generations of teenagers for parents from broken abusive homes does not build beautiful family structures. It's not easy being so different from them but I believe that I'm supposed to be because it's my job to break the cycle and build a family that knows how to love. I'm going to focus all my energy on being honest with myself and living in my truth.
The reason I'm so candid about my life experiences is because I have had to deny to myself what's happened to me so that I could be strong the way my family always enforced that I be. It did make me strong but also hardened me because I never had a safe place to share my pain. I've been drowning inside on my past mistakes, traumas and wishing for things that will never be. I don't blog about any of this for sympathy, I do it because it liberates me and I feel better for doing so. It sets me free from the shame of my past mistakes and hardships to share my stories. Shame is an enemy that whispers to you in the dark that everyone sees your tainted even when your not we are all only human. Long before I ever opened my mouth or applied words to a page I've felt like the whole word watched me burn contently appreciating my torture because shame made me believe it. I refuse to be harassed or controlled by my shame or my past trauma anymore. I am not afraid to be criticized, spoken negatively about,or being rejected by anyone anymore. So I speak my own truth and I set myself free from the burdens I've kept reliving over and over again.