Love is a scary thing. We all want it even those of us that do everything in our power to avoid it out of fear. We're scared because we can't control it. Love will make you doubt your every thought and over analyze your actions. Even when I hug my children I get this feeling as if I'm falling and I feel light headed like I'm not getting enough oxygen to my brain. It feels really good knowing that they are mine but terrifying that they aren't immortal and can be hurt or lost to me.
I don't see love the way most people do. I think most people see it as an opposite to hate and bad but I believe love is a force far greater than good or bad because it has the ability to rule them both. For my children I am capable of great and horrifyingly terrible things if it means keeping them from harm. I don't have a limit and there is nothing that I can say that I wont do if it came to it for them. I'm willing to sacrifice myself completely for them. If it had not been for my children I'm not sure I would have ever learned to love with my complete self at all.
What makes love so scary is the surrender. You have to take a risk of confessing your heavy desperation for someone. It seriously hurts to contain love in secret. It's like your every exhale wants to blurt out I want you and can't live without you! Most of us don't do it though do we.... We swallow it down like burning bile provoking nausea in our stomach that spreads into our soul. I cannot count the times I have held back my affections and tortured my soul with secret loves in the past. That was until I first experienced romantic love reciprocated. It's sad for me to say that out of all the romantic connections I have had in my life the only man I can say without a doubt in my mind loved me back is my current husband. I have had men appreciate my love for them, infatuated with my body and what I can do for their egos, or their pockets but few real and honest loves. Well there was one guy friend I had reciprocated love with. I loved him so much I wanted him around forever so I wouldn't take the risk of being together then breaking up and losing him. I lost him anyway because he couldn't handle not loving me the way he really wanted to. I'm still glad it didn't happen though because I would rather it never happened at all than have him become a victim of someone too damaged at the time to love him the way he deserved properly. When I did start trying to love better it was unhealthy because it was codependent. I would find people more messed up in the head and heart than I even was and I would try and save them. I would be everything I knew they needed and over nurture them until they became dependent on my love and affection. It was soooooo wildly unhealthy because my want to be needed created emotional vampires. I had not even learned to love myself so I was just sacrificing myself to the needs of others. I would allow the drain to the point that I always felt dead and tired inside and had nothing left to even motivate myself for the kind of life I really wanted. I have put myself out there alot!
I have looked like a damn fool quite often and you know what... I'm not mad about it or regretful! Especially coming from where I come from and going through what I've gone through! I'm proud that I still tried to love and I still believe in love. If I had given up I may have never found it.
We chose the torture in silence as an option instead of revealing our love because being rejected feels like an instant death. To want someone and not be wanted back, appreciated or even acknowledged is a blow to our existance. It feels like dying over and over again but I have to admit it's worth it.
I have learned it's better to die and be reborn after rejection than constantly swallowing regurgitated love we can't express. Holding it in keeps you sick and I can't go through life sick on love I'm too afraid to admit is there. I try very hard to throw myself in and give it all I've got if there's room for a chance. Many time I've come up short and died from my love not being wanted. I emerge from the grave a cynical rotting corpse of a person but I come back to life. Life is about risk. If we aren't willing to take a chance on failing there is no chance we will ever win. I've gotten wiser about what's worth a chance though. I'll take the first step on opening my heart and allowing my feelings to flow and if I notice the other person doesn't move I don't chase I just pack up my efforts and move on. I don't die everytime I'm rejected anymore because I've resurrected myself so many times. It's comfortable to move on confidently when you you know you truly tried. Don't give up on love yall because there is no experience better than finally finding it and having it reciprocated. I watched this documentary the other night about a couple in Germany that did not find love until they were in their 50s! I cried happy tears watching them be so beautifully content and happy. I know in this day and age it's much harder to find but if you keep looking it will find you.
I don't see love the way most people do. I think most people see it as an opposite to hate and bad but I believe love is a force far greater than good or bad because it has the ability to rule them both. For my children I am capable of great and horrifyingly terrible things if it means keeping them from harm. I don't have a limit and there is nothing that I can say that I wont do if it came to it for them. I'm willing to sacrifice myself completely for them. If it had not been for my children I'm not sure I would have ever learned to love with my complete self at all.
What makes love so scary is the surrender. You have to take a risk of confessing your heavy desperation for someone. It seriously hurts to contain love in secret. It's like your every exhale wants to blurt out I want you and can't live without you! Most of us don't do it though do we.... We swallow it down like burning bile provoking nausea in our stomach that spreads into our soul. I cannot count the times I have held back my affections and tortured my soul with secret loves in the past. That was until I first experienced romantic love reciprocated. It's sad for me to say that out of all the romantic connections I have had in my life the only man I can say without a doubt in my mind loved me back is my current husband. I have had men appreciate my love for them, infatuated with my body and what I can do for their egos, or their pockets but few real and honest loves. Well there was one guy friend I had reciprocated love with. I loved him so much I wanted him around forever so I wouldn't take the risk of being together then breaking up and losing him. I lost him anyway because he couldn't handle not loving me the way he really wanted to. I'm still glad it didn't happen though because I would rather it never happened at all than have him become a victim of someone too damaged at the time to love him the way he deserved properly. When I did start trying to love better it was unhealthy because it was codependent. I would find people more messed up in the head and heart than I even was and I would try and save them. I would be everything I knew they needed and over nurture them until they became dependent on my love and affection. It was soooooo wildly unhealthy because my want to be needed created emotional vampires. I had not even learned to love myself so I was just sacrificing myself to the needs of others. I would allow the drain to the point that I always felt dead and tired inside and had nothing left to even motivate myself for the kind of life I really wanted. I have put myself out there alot!
I have looked like a damn fool quite often and you know what... I'm not mad about it or regretful! Especially coming from where I come from and going through what I've gone through! I'm proud that I still tried to love and I still believe in love. If I had given up I may have never found it.
We chose the torture in silence as an option instead of revealing our love because being rejected feels like an instant death. To want someone and not be wanted back, appreciated or even acknowledged is a blow to our existance. It feels like dying over and over again but I have to admit it's worth it.
I have learned it's better to die and be reborn after rejection than constantly swallowing regurgitated love we can't express. Holding it in keeps you sick and I can't go through life sick on love I'm too afraid to admit is there. I try very hard to throw myself in and give it all I've got if there's room for a chance. Many time I've come up short and died from my love not being wanted. I emerge from the grave a cynical rotting corpse of a person but I come back to life. Life is about risk. If we aren't willing to take a chance on failing there is no chance we will ever win. I've gotten wiser about what's worth a chance though. I'll take the first step on opening my heart and allowing my feelings to flow and if I notice the other person doesn't move I don't chase I just pack up my efforts and move on. I don't die everytime I'm rejected anymore because I've resurrected myself so many times. It's comfortable to move on confidently when you you know you truly tried. Don't give up on love yall because there is no experience better than finally finding it and having it reciprocated. I watched this documentary the other night about a couple in Germany that did not find love until they were in their 50s! I cried happy tears watching them be so beautifully content and happy. I know in this day and age it's much harder to find but if you keep looking it will find you.
