The worst thing that ever happened to me

Once upon a time after a 19 year old girl's first suicide attempt she was released from the hospital. The very next day she meet a really attractive man who was 30 years old who looked exactly like Ricky Martin but hetosexual and hotter. He seemed like the most charming guy she had ever meet. He started out what seemed like just overly concerned for her but that turned into  controlling fast. He constantly criticized my body and made me feel ulgy. He would tell me how I wasn't his type and flirted openly with other women so I broke up with him after 4 months . He started calling excessively and even showed up to my house drunk yelling for me in the yard. I avoided him at all cost. He came back while my family wasn't home one day and brutally raped me after throwing me through a glass coffee table and threaten to kill me if I tried to leave him again. I was so scared of him I was with him another 3 months completely against my will. He was a coke head and everytime he got high which was everyday, he would get really mad at the smallest things and go into rages and push me down and rape me whenever he felt like it. He would follow up on his threats if I didn't listen to him so I stopped fighting him so he wouldn't hurt me as bad. I didn't tell anyone what he was doing to me. I was still in complete disbelief of what was happening to me and everyone loved him so I didn't think they would believe me anyway. He spent alot of money on me and my family. He even paid for my sophomore year in college. He gave my son a huge party for his first birthday and was constantly showering me with sorry I abuse you gifts. He would tell me he loved me everytime he would do it and even cry like he was really sorry.  I spent some time away over the summer at my aunts house to get some distance between he and I and he started seeing another girl he told me about. He wasn't around everyday after work when he started seeing her except when he wanted sex with me. My family was renting and the landlord had to suddenly sale the house and my parents didn't want to buy it so we moved within a few weeks is how I escaped him. I was never the same after him. I still feel sick if I see Ricky Martin on tv or magazines to this day.  I have an aversion to overly attractive men or men that want to spend money on me because I see it as a way to gain to gain control. I told my Mom what happened to me a year later and she pretended to believe me but told other people in my family that she didn't.  He had always told me that no one would believe me. I haven't really talked about the full story until this year and there are still things I'm too embarrassed to say out loud about it even to myself. After that happened to me my mind got really distorted and I didn't realize then but I know now that it had completely blocked my ability to both see when I was loved and give love properly.

I had a very close friend who was madly in love with me and loved my son as well. Sadly I actually was in love with him too but I didn't believe he loved me I thought he just wanted to sleep with me so I was mean to him. I didn't take affection very well from anyone. I had started to believe that no one could love me because I was dirty from the rapes and tainted forever. I still don't know why I thought that I just did. When I finally did have sex after him it had turned into a dark experience for me. First I was just scared and then when I did learn to enjoy it again it got worst. I would use sex to torture myself everytime I felt worthless. I would crave just being used and then afterwards I would cut myself or hurt myself some kind of way out of shame. I had begun to only be attracted to unhealthy relationships. When I finally met a decent man (my second husband), Our relationship was kinda sexless and he was good to me but mostly invested in his music. I think the lack of sex made me feel safe in away but it didn't stop me from craving my sexual bad habits. Within our 4th year I cheated on him eventually.  I got pregnant and had a very regrettable abortion. I was a prolifer in the abortion clinic. I felt the child would become a pariah and be hated for my mistakes. I couldn't afford to take care of it either and I couldn't support my son and work while I was pregnant to put it up for adoption. A few months after the abortion I was held at gunpoint by a stalker I was wishing had killed me . I didn't even know the man I had only saw him at my work. I wasn't allowed to stay at my appartment when the man was released on bail. The police department requested I stay with family or a friend for a little while if I didn't want to be in protective custody until they were certain I was safe. I decided to stay with a man who I believed to be my best friend at the time. He took full advantage of my vulnerability and gave me the torture my soul was looking for and used me like I believed I deserved. I had no one but my son. My family had moved way, my best friend moved away and I was alone. I was drinking and partying all the time to make myself believe I was okay to numb out. I was constantly dripping drama and confrontation and that was just how I was through out my 20s. Just a broken damaged girl.

The reason I'm sharing this horrible story is because it's things like this that takes us away from love and if we don't heal we stay that way. I'm not the only one who has lived things like this. One in 3 women has or will be raped in their life time. It's the kind of thing that kills something inside of you forever. 

If you read my blogs often you know that I'm very happy now and is madly in love with my husband. I live a completely different life now I never thought I would ever have. It wasn't always this way though. It's still a hard story to tell and I still struggle discussing it to this day. Every couple of years I tell a little more to my husband about it when it starts hunting me again. 

I sometimes have the tendency to go numb out of no where sometimes without even being triggered. It has taken so many years of my life from me and made it difficult for me to accept and experience healthy love.

I used to hate for people to touch me. I used to be very feisty and felt easily threatened. I didn't trust anyone and doubted all the love around me. I see now today that when I look back I wasn't as alone as I thought I was. My grandmother took care of my son through the week while I was in college. My second husband's family loved me like I was part of their family. My best friend although she was states away stayed intouch and would come and see me and has always been a gentle and loving person I could confide in and be myself with. 

I didn't see any of them. They were all just distant voices in the dark. That is how broken people see the world around them. I slipped back into the same behavior again during the time my current husband and I were separated for 2 years. I understand that I returned back to it because I still had not learned to love myself yet or see myself worthy of love. Once my heart was broken again I thought of myself as just an object for consumption and that I would forever be punished for my ruin and that God would never forgive me for killing my own baby. I was right back in the car with my demons making my own living hell. 

I did the work this last time though. I have dedicated my life to staying health and villigiant of my thoughts and nurturing of my own feelings. I don't worry about returning there again anymore even though I'm living a healthy lifestyle now I'm still processing it. I know it's never going to go away. I wish I could extract it all from my memory and forget it forever but I finally accepted that is never going to happen. I have to work through it and remind myself that even though my experiences have not been good I can be good. What I'm most greatful for today is how I have learned to receive love from those who love me and how to give it back. I don't over extend myself to people that don't want to show me love anymore to torture myself out of guilt and shame of my past mistakes. I don't involve myself with others that are still riding with their demons that aren't ready to free themselves and are a bad influence on me maintaining a healthy life style and positive attitude. If you are still riding with yours I'm sharing my worst and deepest secrets to show you that it is possible to let it go and heal. When we don't see our worth and that we are worthy of love we constantly perpetuate negative behavior. 

I used to be the kind of person that always had something negative to say. I was dead set on protecting myself because I had been hurt and pushed people away from me that loved me. I was wapped up in childish behaviors and revenge and hatred toward men because I had been abused by men. I had killed the notion that love was possible for me but I was wrong. The key to the door of a completely different life can be opened by changing our perception of that life. Bad things happen to us all but its us who chooses if we want to allow those things to make us bad people. I choose to use my stories to help those like me who are stuck in the dark see the light. What has happened to me has and will help others. It made me a strong person and I think I owe it to myself and others to use my experience for good.

No regrets!

Yesterday was one of those ultra perfect days when everything was good and right in my world. My husband and I went for a walk at the University of Texas campus for my photo shoot, and just to hang out and see some cool shops. I found myself realizing how much I miss school. If I had not had a child so early I think I may have become a professional student and never left.
As we walked the campus we reminisced about those long forgotten college years of our life. Mostly I remember being really scared. I was scared to get out there in the world because I didn't know what I wanted to do with my life yet. I wasn't confident and didn't know or see my potential. I became a mother at 18 and all the fear remanifested it self into fearing not being able to support myself and my child if I didn't get a degree. I did alot of settling in chosing a career just to get enough financial security to support myself and my son. Through my 20s I lived in a state of perpetual regret for not thinking bigger. I finally achieved something for myself and had a decent career and got pregnant with my second son.
I became a stay at home mother after my youngest son was born. It was not what I had wanted to do and was completely unheard of in my family. All the women in my family are workaholics. I hated it and I lived another many more years into my earlier 30s hating it.
My story isn't at all special. Most of the people I have experienced in my age range and older feel as though their lifes just went to hell due to obstacles and they were left with shitty options that built where they are today. We all get caught in the thought trap wishing we had known then what we know now and that we had done better with ourselves. It's one of the big reasons so many people are unhappy. We all have great difficulty forgiving our old self for not taking the path we think would have been better for us; and we believe that a chance to change our life is lost in our past mistakes. As I walked that campus for a little while I felt myself slipping into that though process and then as I picked up the energy of those students I realized that they are as afraid now as I was then. It's a special kind of torture to have to decide what to do with your life before you have even figured out who you are which is why I think many of us end up not satisfied. These young people will live to doubt their choices just as I have. As My husband and I walked past some of the students they smiled sincerely and hopeful at how cute they thought we were together. I was looking back at them and for a second thinking they were the dream while they looked ahead at us seeing us as the dream. Isn't that ironic......
I think the most that we can all hope for is that we gather the strength to be accepting of our choices instead of rolling in our past mistakes and forsaking our futures.
My life didn't turn out the way I thought it would . I don't know for certain it would have been better had I not had a child so early or not taken a break to be a stay at home mother, because I know people with no children that have it harder than I do . I do know I wouldn't be so close with my children and I would have regretted missing that and it would have affected them negatively as well. I may have never made it without their love to motivate me forward being who I was back then. I'm not wealthy but I'm rich in the love and support I have always longed for and wanted so I have no regrets.

New year new me is a myth

Year 2020 is literally in 2 days..... It came so fast. Most definitely before I was ready. I can't complain really because 2019 has been a really awesome year for me. I taught myself alot of new skills and learned a ton of information about advertisement and marketing myself. I think bigger now and have learned how to conquer my fears in pursuit of my goals. I used to be a shopaholic but not anymore! I have everything I need and no available closet space; but mostly it's because I have done the deep diving into myself and finally figured out what makes me truly happy. Other than traveling and exploring new places everything else that makes me happy is free. My only real struggles this year was my inherited high blood pressure and my migraines. I put alot of time,energy and research into getting those under control and dropped all medications in exchange for ayurvedic solutions. I'm so happy it's working 🤗!

I don't do new year resolution because in my opinion it's a quick way to failure and self disappointment. To try and fail without a properly organized goal just drains us of our self esteem and willpower. You truly end up doing more harm to yourself. It's not enough to decide to change your life or behavior just because the year is new and everyone else is doing it. Most people fall off of their new years resolution before the spring even arrives. If you just have to make a new years resolution I think the only resolution that would truly make sense at changing your life is a resolution to be honest with yourself about what you truly want and constantly evaluating yourself in your pursuit to get it. Yes it is really that easy. It's our self doubt and avoidance of doing the hard work and sticking to it that's hard. Or really deep down it's just not that important to us.

My high blood pressure was not important to me mainly because of ignorance. Many people in my family have hypertension but I never thought of it as serious because my Granny made a soap opera out of it so the rest of my family made a joke out of it. She would behave like she was fragile to disappointment as if she would die if you upset her. When I was a child my cousin's and I would do drama impressions of her and our parents did too.🤣 When I was first told I was pre hypertensive years ago I just though... oh damn I got the drama disease. I didn't do research or anything which I know better that I should have because my family doesn't take anything seriously. Well turns out it's no laughing matter and I can seriously die!

During all of my migraine testing and treatment they put me on high blood pressure medicine to rule hypertension out for being the reason for my migraines. Hypertension turned out not to be the reason but I had a new problem....the high blood pressure medicine made me miserable. You could slap me in the face hard and I wouldn't have felt it. I couldn't feel anything. My body felt numb and dead. They had taken my wine from me, I had already stopped my cannabis consumption long before that and now they had taken my sex life too! It had me on the edge of depression. I was like Awwww Hell Naw! So I did what I always do and fell into research looking for a solution to get off of those meds. There was a lot of trial and error and a lot of tears but I finally found a way. It takes a whole lot more discipline and commitment going the ayurvedic way and honestly a pill is easier but I refuse to live my life in a perpetual state of numbness physically and mentally. Unfortunately for many of us life threatening circumstances or valuable losses is the only thing that motivates us to change and some people are so stubborn they will still chose death and loss over bettering themselves.

The truth is we are going to change rather we like it or not but we have a chance to chose rather we want that change to be for the good or the bad. I have seriously seen memes and quotes that say things about it being exhausting to be constantly working on yourself all the time; and I think to myself... that's so ignorant because even if you don't decide to better yourself it's still going to be work but it's going to be a worst situation. Life is going to be hard rather you want to be good at it or not and if I'm going to be struggling at it anyway it makes more since to be going in a direction I want to go instead of drifting along waiting for my next downfall that I likely self induced.

New year new me is a myth we become someone new over and over again and if we want to we can decide who and what we become. We are all forever changing until we are just dust. Start small and grow your dreams into the life you want to live. Happy New Year Everyone and Cheers to Positive growth and success. 

Hope on red wings

 There's a small tree outside my window and during the winter months a group of cardinals gather there. I would not have ever noticed if it wasn't for the pecking at my window that has awakened me a few rare times in the morning. I make a note of it in my journal everytime it happens. It's only been 3 times. Twice last year and once this year so far. All of the times it has happened I went to bed late and in my feelings with worry and confusion and woke up earlier than I expected to the knocks on my window.
The winter months tend to bring the blues out of some of us. For me it's the melancholy weather and the energy of Christmas can sometimes be overwhelming that makes me feel im in a world of my own. For the most part I am and have grone very accustomed to it. I'm grateful to have my husband and children with me but my circle used to be a lot bigger and my holidays used to be grander. I've come to understand that bigger and grander does not equal better. Lots of people gets noisy and conflict overshadows and breaks down Chrismas spirit into things you spend the rest of your life trying to forget. Being alone in a crowded room is always more uncomfortable than being alone with yourself. I used to be one of those people that sent everyone I know a Christmas card, make homemade gifts and turn my house into a Christmas wonderland. None of that stuff seem to make a difference or brought the love and closeness I longed for from my relationships with people.... Eventually I would find myself sitting on the floor trying to get old Christmas lights to work thinking of my Poppo screaming at the wrestling Chrismas special with my Step dad laughing while they drank beers. I would give some days of my life away to just be a fly on the wall back in that moment watching them interact for my entertainment. Back in the day at my Granny's house we would play spades and drink while my mom and aunt's cooked, and all the children watched Christmas movies late into the night. Those days have passed now and my husband being white causes all kinds of hurtful problems so we don't even feel welcomed there anymore. It's just us four now and we have managed to make our own traditions and build our own holiday cheer. Each time the cardinals came to me I felt down the night before just thinking about my family and things that will never be again. The cardinals cleared the heaviness from my heart and reminded me that I am loved and watched over by my Bubba and my Poppo. It won't be that easy for all of us to come out of the winter blues but for those of us that want to find hope sometimes it's in the syncronitcity around you. Maybe it's a bird at your window, waking up at 5.55 or hearing that right song at the right time. Sometimes finding hope only requires that we pay attention. 

I'm Good Today and optimistic for tomorrow

I woke up feeling amazing this morning. I'm grateful for it because I have been in a mood for a little while now and completely overlooking my blessings. We all do that sometimes and the very thing we complain about now we live to wish we would have appreciated later. I'm tired of wishing for moments I forgot to live and enjoy.
The past year my life has changed in ways I never imagined it would. I look back to my old self now and then for reference points to find a grip on myself but my past self has no answers. I remember my old self so well and yet I admit I sometimes miss my old shell because I don't quite feel my current self is as tailored as I would like to feel.
Change is very hard regularly but we do better when change just happens to us against our will because we have no choice but to adjust. Changing with purpose takes the same strength but requires courage and bravery on top of the rest of the struggle. Courage and bravery need extreme amounts of will power and determination and somedays I just don't have it and I finally understand that that's okay. I get so frustrated I want to just shatter into a fit of rage and drown into pool of tears. Rage is usually counterproductive and anger is just a mad mask for pain we want to suppress. Drowning in self pity feelings sorry for myself or hunting down someone to throw the blame at won't build a better me either. So.... I've just had to sit with myself and rest and reevaluate what it is I want to do and why. I don't feel the same way I used to feel when I started all of this. I don't even care about the same things I used to care about. It's been pressure because I sometimes feel like I have to keep doing what I've been doing because it's what people expect...... but Hell No! I refuse to ever live my life ever again for the expectations of people. I don't want be known by everyone. I just want to help people that struggle like I do and understand my vibe. As I get closer to my purpose and grow into my current evolution I have begun to feel lighter again so I am harnessing it and expressing it in a way to grow it. It's not easy at all to do but the way I do it is by keeping a rational mind and focus my energy on my goals. I can be sad today if I feel like it or mad tomorrow but I will not stay there and make it a lifestyle or character trait. I will not create dialogue in my mind against myself or others. If I do I remind myself I'm only human and the same for everyone else. We all make mistakes, we all back slide or stumble along the way through out our journey. We aren't all bad and we aren't all good. Even if we have done the best things we can turn the tide with the worst decisions. The worst things are eventually forgotten and everything only last a day even if the consequences last a life time we can chose to be triumphant and change our stars. We are all only as good as we decide to be today. 

Protect yourself with self love to avoid mistreatment and manipulation

If you stand for nothing you will fall for anything. My Granny has said that to me a million times. I don't think there is anything more valunarable than a person that lacks self worth. When we don't love ourselves we look for validation from others. We will allow people to talk to us any kind of way, treat us like we are optional and misuse and abuse us. It's because they are aware of the control they have over our self esteem. They will manipulate us around their wants and needs. If we feel good about ourselves they will find away to drag us down to keep us in lack mentality and insecurity about who we are to be sure we don't build ourselves up beyond their control. If we are feeling down they will pretend to be our savior and drown us in emotional debt that we can never pay back and make slaves out of us in our attempt to redeem ourselves. 

You are valuable because your consciousness is valuable. Some people may want your body, beauty, or your money but they gotta get to your mind in order to keep it. The control over a mind has been desired all through out our history because if you can manipulate someone you can get anything you want. 

Advertisements build fantasies and make billions off of us all by selling us imagery that makes us question the quality of our lifes. You may not even have a viral disease; but these commercials of happy people riding bikes and dancing with their friends at a bar dressed up smiling makes you wonder sometimes if you need one so you can take what they are selling and get happy.

 Our interactions with people around us are no different. You may be offended sometimes by being bombarded with advertisement to buy things but have you noticed the same tactics from the people you invite into your life? People who you know to be absent of emotions and display of feelings as long as you have known them are suddenly crying to keep you from walking away? People who compliment you constantly and claim to love you but does not know a single thing about who you actually are. Even though they have miles of information readily available to them about you? People who undermine what's important to you all the time in the guise of it being about someone else to subliminally plant feelings of worthlessness in you about it.             When I was struggling with my self esteem I fell for all of these kinds of things. I was constantly seeking approval. Everything I would attempt to do with my life I would walk around with it looking for feedback. I put alot of things I truly love down because the people I wanted to support me the most thought it was stupid, strange, or they just simply didn't approve because it wasn't their vision for me. I don't look back at it in regret because I've learned what real love and support is from seeing what it is not.

         I have 2 beautiful sons 10 years old and 18 years old. Like all parents I had my own vision for them but I learned quickly what I wanted for them and who they actually are does not mix. I could push my agenda and manipulate them into feeling their ideas and dreams are useless like lots of parents do but that would bring up a question..... Do I love them for who they are or what I want them to be? They are my children with destinies of their own not my private possessions to control. I'm just a lucky guide to give them options by teaching them all the things I've learned.

 My point is people that truly value you do not wish to manipulate and control you. Real love is nurturing, teaching and guiding you along the way and wishing you happiness. Not all of us were so lucky to get that kind of unconditional love. Unfortunately it puts alot of us out in the world with the belief that we aren't good enough and we are scared to make decisions for ourselves without approval because we have never been approved of. It creates low self esteem and self worth and we become victims of others that will exploit and misuse us because we so badly need someone to say it's alright to be ourselves. I'm here to tell you that it is perfectly alright to be yourself and I hope you really hear me if you have been needing to to recognize it.. It's alright to be yourself because I believe that our true self is the one that makes our dreams come true and bring us happiness. It's your true self that is destined for greatness. You may go far being who people told you to be but your gonna wake up one day... hopefully not on your death bed wondering why you allowed them to manipulate you into not being you. 

It's Wanting more.... That's gonna bring me to my knees.

The whole of last week was a rather challenging one so it turned out for the best I was in insta-jail during most of that time. I've been working on trying to get these migraines under control and it's been extremely frustrating. I have lost many of my pleasures. I don't smoke anything at all, and I can't drink anymore at all. 😔 It really sucks because I love wine and I really enjoy pretty sophisticated mixologist drinks when I'm out. I have to watch my salt in take as well so it's made eating boring and bland. I hate doctor's, medication's and all these test and crap I have to go through to find a solution that seems to still be evading me. It's had me feeling really down and on the edge of depression but on the edge is as far as I will permit myself to go. 

I've discovered that there is always a valuable opportunity to ascend into a greater understanding of self and life through pain and darkness. I don't push it away anymore because it's the most important classes any of us will ever attend. I get so frustrated at times rushing my progression and questioning why this or that hasn't happened yet. Like John Mayer says in Gravity, "It's wanting more that's gonna bring me to my knees." The more we want the less time we spend appreciating what we have. The desire to have more moves what we can and do enjoy too quickly to remember that we enjoyed anything at all. When the pain in my head starts it kicks me right back into wishing for the day before. That day seemed so boring and routine just hanging out on the couch binge watching Titans and Doom Patrol laying on my husband. In the throws of pain all I want is to be back there again encapsulated in a good story with my husband's hand in my hand and the sound of the laughter of my family. I feel ashamed of myself everytime pain has to remind me of goodness of my life I miss over and over again reaching for more of this and that, that would ultimately not make me happier at all. Would you still hate your hair if you had cancer and it fell out and you were fighting for your life to just be there with your family as long as you possibly can? Would you still hate your job if you lost it and had to separate your family to try and get on your feet again? Would you still hate your life if you spent all the rest of it in pain waiting to die? Those things are the reality of many people right now today. 

Alot of things we focus all of our energies on in pursuit of just aren't as important as we believe. Money can't buy you time with those you love when that time is gone. Luxuries are worthless when you are too sick or too lonely to enjoy them. I'm sure you have heard it all before but really put it into perspective the next time you are wanting so much that you can't see what's really valuable. As difficult as it is for me I'm grateful that my pain keeps me in check.

It's ironic how I thank it now when I have spent so much of my life running from it. I don't go into the dark intentionally with self pity or self loathing because it's responsible to the life I'm trying to live and disrespectful to those I've chosen to give my life to. I do however respect the hell out of my dark times for building me into who I am and growing me further. The darkness is where we grow up and find our truth and see ourselves. If you are in the struggle right now today pull yourself out of the victim mentality and ask yourself what is my darkness trying to teach me that I should learn? I promise you if you start looking at it like a blessed challenge you will come out of it even brighter and better on the other side.