My life has changed so much I hardly recognize it and I'm often surprised by the changes of myself because of it. I have become the happy hermit in the little house in the Texas hills. My husband and sons are my clique and these winding roads through the hills filled with lakes, springs and waterfalls have become my stage. I don't hang out with alot of people and I personally communicate with only 3 other's outside of my home. It's so crazy to me that I have never felt more alive and more loved than I do now living a much simpler uncomplicated life. When I first moved here the quietness was disturbing and caused anxiety because I was hearing my own thoughts too loud and feeling my own feelings to much with no distractions to escape. I understand now that it was exactly what I needed to really get to know myself and figure out what I really wanted to do with my life. In the past I thought I was being me and I was even an arrogant know it all 🐝itch about it. I was overly demanding, too opinionated and throwing my weight around out of fear. Fear of being rejected the way I have been so many times before and fear of never knowing real and true love. I didn't know that was my problem at the time so I did all the wrong things. I ran away from the pain I felt and surrounded myself with as many people as I could and then I would exhaust myself trying to please them all so they would love me. What I got was used and loved for what I could do but not for who I was. It piled up years and years of unresolved conflicts inside me and what makes it even sadder is I wouldn't even allow myself to acknowledge it. The young girl inside me from my 20s had something to say and she brought other ages and phases of my life with her and they made me listen rather I wanted to hear it or not.
Are you tired yet? Because I am.
I'm tired of giving myself and coming up short feeling lonely in the world.
I'm tired of being misunderstood by those that I accumulate wounds from with my efforts to understand them.
I'm tired of watching other people's dreams come true while I watch sadly from the side lines.
I'm tired of being so caught up in the world around me with no private world of my own.
I'm tired of people expecting and assuming that I owe so much of myself to them even when I have nothing of my own.
I'm tired of waiting for a special kind of love from someone like a fairy tale romance or sacred friendship when I have not loved myself or been my own friend.
It was painful to finally acknowledge but I had taken the first step to listen to myself and after I did I think I may have cried every morning as soon as I woke up for weeks. I had been living a life I hated for years giving all of myself away and no amount of parties, fancy clothing and fake friendships added up to anything. I think people think in order to change our life we need a therapist or life coach which I did have most of the time I have been miserable! Don't misunderstand me therapy is great but it only works when you are deeply honest with yourself and some of us can't do that let alone be transparent with a stranger. The big bang of change starts with acknowledging what's the most true about yourself and the way you feel that you are desperately trying to avoid. The next step after you realize the problem is to go back through it and rewrite your narrative taking out all the victim mentality because if you don't your truth will sometimes bury you in depression. For example your truth can be the acknowledgment that your significant other doesn't love you the way you need to be loved, but during your spill of uncovering your truth you were unnecessarily hard on yourself and thinks no one loves you. Not everything you think about yourself is actually true both good and especially bad things. When I have trouble with the distinction I just go with flat logic.When you know your truth you can change the way you think about it, change the way you feel about it and ultimately change your life.
