When your a fat girl, a minority, an introvert, a strange individual who's only 5,2 in your 3rd marriage? I didn't even get my driver's license until I was 22 years old. I've been rejected far more than I've been accepted in my life. I've dated men in the past that have dragged me through the mud. One only married me for citizenship and most of the others I was just a pretty exotic object to wear on their arm and brag about to their friends.
I spent most of my life feeling absolutely worthless and wanting to die. Adding fuel to the fire I felt I was defective after being diagnosed with bipolar 2 disorder. For a very long time my only source of happiness was my first born son. The marriage was a farce but the arrival of my oldest son gave me a reason to live. I can share these things about myself with anyone because I have not the slightest bit of shame in where I come from and what I've gone through. I'm not easily affected by what people say about me behind my back because no one has judged me worst than I have. I am the type of person that when first meeting you I will start with my worst stories so you can reject me now so I don't have to waste time with you later.
My confidence started with exposing myself and waiting for the arrows to fly.
I believed myself to be unlovable after my first marriage. I felt completely ruined. I was a single mother with no car no job hitching rides to school. I believed that no man would want me with a child that wasn't his and a stretched out fupa belly that would never go away no matter how much weight I lost. I figured fine that's the way it is I might as well get used to it. I would go on dates just for good food because at that time I was limited in what I could cook and only owned 1pot 1pan and 3 bowls. I would wip out photos of my son right away on dates to deter men from getting interest in me. Alot of them ran for the hills but to my surprise most of them stayed. I didn't trust them still of course so I would then pull out the big guns and slam my celibacy card on the table. Like BAM! You ain't getting none of this player! Alot of them ran while I contently waved goodbye ..... but still some of them stayed. I was like that the hell why are you still here? I dated a little bit until I successfully ran them off and then met my second husband. My second husband was a very good and nice man from a wonderful family that accepted me whole heartedly. I still miss his family because they made me feel like I was a part of something. They gave me a graduation party after I graduated from college. It was the very first party I had ever had for just myself and they bought me my very first car. I cried for weeks in gratitude. I'm crying now just thinking about it because still to this day no one else has ever been as good to me as those people. Other than the family I have made for myself today I still feel like they are the only family that I had that actually wanted me and liked me. Unfortunately my exhusband and I were not in real love. There was no passion or chemistry there that I had hoped would grow eventually. I married him as payment for how wonderful his family was to me because I had nothing else to give to show gratitude. I ruined it hunting for passion and I felt wildly inadequate of their love the entire time because of my own self hatred. I dated alot after that and drowned my sorrows in bottles of wine in my nice apartment a single mother once more.
I've seen alot, I've suffered alot more... I meet my current husband and we went through alot as well. We didn't get to where we are today easily. We broke up for 2 years after he cheated on me. The load of everything throughout the years broke me down. It was what I needed though because I rose from the ashes like a phoenix and have been flying high and free ever since.
I spent sometime away in a recovery center and got back in therapy and started taking a hard look at myself. It was hard to try and date again but I tried and I approached it the same way I did in the past... with the candid truth of who I was but not with the self hatred attached to it like before. I did it with pride and dignity baring my battle scars. I declared right away that I was a mother with 2 sons, a fat girl approaching a divorce. I let them know my strange hobbies and nerdy ways. I didn't expect not one message back but it was fine if no one wanted me because I was finally accepting myself. To my surprise.... the line of suitors was out the door and around the corner. It was flattering but I have learned not to apply someone else's feelings to my emotional self esteem rather it be positive or negative attention because people will change their minds and are reckless with their heart.
I found my confidence by just accepting myself as I am and receiving only those that accept me as I am. If you don't want to love me don't love me. I dont want anyone to do what they dont want or have passion to do. It's okay if I'm too fat for someone , to black for others. When you stop worrying about what you aren't there is only room for what you are. I'm confident with my body and life flaws. I'm only interest in those that are comfortable with it too; so I always feel beautiful because I don't allow people in my world that dont value me and I don't go trying to be apart of theirs either. Whatever you are just be that. There are billions of people in the world so no matter what you think is wrong with you someone out there will see the beauty in it but it's not about anyone else it's about you. Look at yourself so long and hard until that flaw starts looking cute. Surround yourself with those that see you as beautiful and before you know it... you will see it to.
