My Husband and I

I'm messy with my love like a mad child in paint. I throw myself in deep in hope of an exciting adventure. It's because I'm an emotional thrill seeker which is the definition of the scorpio zodiac. Both my husband and I are scorpio Sun signs and Sagittarius rising so I can't imagine I could be more compatible with anyone else. We give each other so much we are in constant intoxication with each other. You know what I'm talking about...... It's the stuff that is the air around you when you have a special moment and I don't mean sex I mean something spiritually connected. A moment like sitting outside all day listening to my radio with you talking about life, making inside jokes no one else would even understand and after almost 11 years you still make me laugh hard enough to cry almost daily with your beautiful silliness. It's the moment you lock eyes with someone and know what they know and feel what they feel without words. It's the signal you give me through touch that all is right in the world if you should feel me doubt it for a second. You always feel the moment when love grows because right before you sleep you smile about it and with that smile the memory is saved in your heart's replay list forever.
I love my husband more than my heart ever knew was possible and for a long while it scared the hell out of me. I only knew the love of fairytales and had no real examples of how to allow someone to love me or how to properly love them back. I used to be the kind of woman you couldn't hold too long because I wasn't accustomed to affection. I had been hard all my life but it wasn't until I allowed myself to be soft that I found my strength.
When my husband and I first met he was instantly dazzled by me and knew right away he wanted me for the long ride. No that's not my big head confidence 🤣 it's his words not mine! He is a very gentle affectionate person with me that comes from a traditional family with parents who love each other.
I come from 2 teenage parents who were 15/16 when I was born that never married who were both emotionally and physically abused by their families severely. I don't even know my biological father that well and what I do know isn't very good. My Mom is a solid ice queen wall of a woman who is really good at being a workaholic blocking everything out to cope. I wasn't show much affection growing up from anyone but my grandparents one of which I didn't see that much. So basically I grew out of a stone wall. I used to absolutely hate for anyone to touch me and for many years of my life I could only cry if I was really angry. So when it came to love I learned about that stuff from Disney movies and watching TGIF in the 90s. In my family the value is placed on strength and strength alone. This is true among alot of African American families which has created the stereotype of the angry black woman in our culture. I'm not ashamed to say that for many year I was the poster child for the stereotype. If I was interested in a man the more I liked him the meaner I was to him because feeling fond of someone felt like weakness to me. When you want someone you can't control it. You think of them all the time and get in front of them and are too afraid to speak. I was like what the hell is this! I ain't got time for this fluttery heart palpitations sweating and nervousness over someone's stupid face! The more I loved him the more afraid I became and the smaller I got. I would shrink away and fold up when he touched me out of fear of losing myself control. Love is funny in the way that it only feels good when you give up control and allow it to flow naturally. Giving your heart always requires the sacrifice of releasing control.
How do you allow someone to love you and how do you love them back when you were build tough for survival and have no love skills?
For me the first thing I had to do was accept that he loves me. That sounds easy but it wasn't for me because I was always wondering and asking him why he did because I didn't get it! When you don't love yourself you think people are weirdo for loving you. When I first fell in love with him I loved him for loving me especially since I saw myself as a mess and unworthy of love.
The second thing after accepting his love I wanted to prove that I could be worthy by giving him love back even though I didn't know how I pushed myself. When he would touch me I felt nervous but I stopped pulling away. I made a promise to myself not to use abusive language with him and to try and give something back to him everytime he showed me affection. I was the worst about affection so I just did what ever he did for me until I learned my own love language. I didn't realize the burden I was carrying trying to be strong all the time and in time I made him my sanctuary. I don't even try to be strong with my husband anymore I'ma big ole spoiled princess now and I just roll in the love like a cat getting a belly rub. I have learned that in order to really experience love you have to drop the wall completely down. I allow him to love me, protect me and comfort me instead of running away like I used to do . I've found that love requires a daily commitment of choosing your person everyday. Not all of us were taught how to love but the awesome thing is you can create your own love style along the way out of practice and commitment. If you are one of those women like me who have struggled with not getting the love you want in life or have not been able to drop your sword in love I challenge you to write down what you would like your love to be like . If you have a partner do this together and make a commitment to give each other more of what each other need. If you are single this is a good way to manifest the kind of love you are looking for and help you set a standard for the love you find in the future. Most of all never give up on love. You are worthy of love and there is someone out there for you that will love you the way you want. Get ready in advance to develop your love language to give that love back when it comes.