I didn't know I would be away so long it's good to be back! I had what I thought was a common cold and thought I was invincible hot stuff; so I would be just fine partying it up at Pride. Well I was dead wrong yall! Last week was a rough one for me because I was sick! The body aches, fever and the worst my migraines. Every time I'm sick it really screws with my head emotionally more than the physical issues. It reminds me that I'm in an aging body that's slowly dying everyday. It makes me think back to days when I felt stronger and could recover from a bug in 3 days tops! I think about the things I've been able to push my body though regardless of how I felt physically. I have a very high tolerance for pain mostly due to really hating taking any kind of medication dispite the fact that I've had on going migraines throughout my life. They stopped for a while like almost a year and the last 3 months they are back. Sometimes the pain is so bad it feels like I freeze in time in the dark and there is only me and the pain. It has no face but still it's such a thick and sophisticated presence. It seems like it worsens if I try and avoid it so I've learned to accept it. I shut my eyes and go walking in the dark to the sound of my own pulse. The strangest thing is after awhile if I can focus I don't feel anything anymore. Long before anyone had ever mentioned meditation to me I had taught myself to do it to cope with pain. I hate my migraines but I thank them for the lessons. They have taught me how to face pain on the high levels. When you have to go set with pain for days at a time to even function and you finally get released you see the world differently than before each time. Before the pain took me I was worried about money, I was irritated by silly trivial things of the past, I was generally wrapped up in my constant need to be working and solving my every problem possible every second of the day! Pain sets in and everything else you though was painful or you thought that really matters just doesn't matter at all anymore. I think that's what pain is really for. It's here to make us see what we would have never seen had we not spent some time in the dark.
There was a time when ever I faced pain I I would fight it with everything in me in an effort to be strong. My migraines would come and I would throw things and get angry and act really crazy and embarrassed myself. The pain would eventually stop and I would look up to find that I had made a mess of my life. Broken things would be thrown about and some things I would have to fix but many things irreparably damaged. I would sit there looking like a fool and feeling sorry for myself. These are embarrassing things to even share with you all but I think it needs to be said. Lots of people won't say what needs to be said even though we are all going through the same thing in different ways at the end of the day it all boils down to how you process your pain. We all experience pain and it's a challenge to us all. Instinctively we try to fight it or run from it. What it takes to win the battle is bravery to stand there with it, recognize it, and analyze it until it loses power. You can choose not to give your power away or make a mess of your life due to an inability to accept that pain is a necessary reality to grow us into who we really want to be or harden us to self destruction. Pain isn't the enemy I used to believe it was. I see now it can be used as a tool to stay villigiant of my blessings and get the most out of my life with the people I love while I have them.
